Most people have a lot of attention on themselves, what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they want, what they’re going to say, etc. etc. etc. etc. It’s a deeply trained-in self-consciousness that makes the most important question in their mind when they’re giving a presentation the absolutely wrong question and that is, “How am I coming across?”
It’s a common mistake - I’m always coaching people on this point.
John sat down in front of me with a sour look on his face.
We were filming his first video in the Causative Communication training session. I have the students role-play a real situation with me, a situation from their lives that’s challenging for them so I can see how they handle pushback. We hadn’t even started and he was already looking at me with resentment.
It didn’t help that the look on his face was overlaid with a thin veneer of artificial civility. The first words he said to me were the forced polite, “Hello, how are you?” with a small, tight, fake smile. The look in his eyes told me he didn’t care.
John had no idea he looked this way.
Then John told me what he wanted from me in a tone of suppressed exasperation. He was restraining his frustration, but it was unmistakable. His face and tone betrayed him.
This made his communication feeble, the outcome hopeless. It made him powerless.
When we were discussing it afterwards, I asked John what he was thinking when he first sat down with me.
He said, “The last two times I tried to talk to this person, it really didn’t go well. I got nothing but resistance. I was expecting the same resistance again.”
And this was exactly what I was seeing – his overwhelming anticipation of a person he couldn’t influence, anticipation of an unsurmountable problem. Which is the same as saying that he came into this situation dragging the past into the present and anticipating failure.
John had no idea he was doing this. And he had no idea the impact it was having on his outcome.
Why is this important?
Last week I wrote about Victor, a VP I was coaching on Executive Presence. I wrote about the effect Victor’s facial expressions were having on others and how it diminished his Executive Presence.
Victor’s BIGGEST realization was when he saw a screenshot of his face during a moment he didn’t think he had any facial expression, when he was feeling neutral, not one way or the other, not positive or negative, not really feeling anything.
What shocked Victor when he saw his face was that his “neutral” expression looked COLD.
People don’t realize that when you put a neutral expression on your face, you look cold. Try it in the mirror and see for yourself. Get your neutral face on and then look.
Neutral has no warmth in it. Zero.
And no warmth equals cold. There’s no way around it.
When it comes to human relationships, neutral leaves them cold about you. Possibly even defensive. You are discouraging them from warming up to you.
Larry, the Senior Vice President, was horrified.
It was an important meeting with important people. He was watching Victor, a newly promoted Vice President, and was completely horrified by what he saw. It wasn’t about what Victor was saying…he wasn’t saying anything. The problem was what Victor was doing.
Larry sent me an email saying, “You’ve got to coach Victor on his Executive Presence immediately!”
I said, “What specifically?”
It turned out to be something I’ve been coaching a surprisingly large number of people on, so I decided to write about it.
Larry said, “Victor is doing great work. But when he’s in a meeting, Victor looks totally bored, completely disengaged. He’s too relaxed, leaning back in his chair, totally disinterested. And often he has a disgusted look on his face. He’s creating a horrible impression.”
I told Larry, “No problem, it’s an easy fix.”
It was. It was one of the fastest coaching transformations in the history of the world.
A couple of days ago I started the first Executive Coaching session with Marcos. I asked him to tell me about his goals for the coaching and he said, “I really want to learn about Executive Presence.” I asked him why.
As he was telling me his goals, he apologized three times.
“I’m sorry, this probably sounds like a silly thing. But what I’d really like is…”
“That probably doesn’t make any sense, but what I was thinking was…”
“I’m sorry that was such a long-winded explanation of what I am looking for, I hope that makes sense…”
He’s not the only one apologizing. If I count the number of times each week that someone apologizes to me for communicating, it’s quite a number.
“I’m sorry if I’m coming across opinionated…”
“I’m sorry, I just have to say this…”
“I’m probably taking too long to explain this …”
This is a new phenomenon in society. Somehow perfectly wonderful people have been made to feel they need to apologize for communicating.
I could spend an entire article talking about how this came to be, but I want to get right to the point:
It’s not healthy.
Many people ask me what happens when TWO people who totally disagree, but who have BOTH learned Causative Communication skills, come together? In other words, when they each know how to make what they want happen, but both are super intent on achieving their own opposing or competing outcome? Wouldn’t that just cause a fight? Do they get stubborn and persistent? Does it go on forever? Does it stick in an unresolvable stalemate? Does it get ugly?
Let me answer that question with something that just happened.
When Rick came to the Causative Communication workshop, one of his prime motivations was a situation with someone he called “the difficult guy”. We’ll call this guy Philip.
Rick and Philip completely disagreed on important details of a big project. Up to this point, every single meeting turned into an argument. They never agreed on anything. They never came even slightly close to achieving the outcomes they wanted. All they managed to do was irritate each other.
During the Causative Communication workshop, as part of his practical assignment to apply what he was learning to real life situations, Rick decided to try what he’d learned in his next conversation with Philip. A real test.
Rick decided to initiate a conversation about a previously unresolved topic, but this time he would strictly follow the full process of the Communication Formula and see what happened.
Rick wasn’t going to give an inch on what he wanted, he was just going to follow the specific process of the formula while they talked about it.
Paula was a young “Early in Career” engineer, her first job out of college. She was excited to land in a successful corporation filled with 80,000 employees. As a new member, Paula was at the very bottom of the towering command chain.
While her position was small, her vision and her dreams were big. More than anything, Paula wanted to do good in the world around her.
She came to Causative Communication to learn how to communicate effectively with the whole world where everything was new to her. She was young and wide-eyed and innocent, no accumulated failures pulled back her confidence. She was driven by her dreams, not by her fears.
Paula knew she had no command power over anyone, but she could already see that communication is a powerful force, and had concluded by watching others that the ability to communicate is the most powerful ability she could have when it came to working with a whole lot of people.
She was part of a small team that was part of a larger team that was part of an even larger team. Paula often attended meetings with 40 others from her division. Everyone had seniority and experience over her.
With the communication skills she developed in the workshop under her belt, Paula spoke up with confidence in these larger meetings. She voiced her thoughts, she acknowledged others, she participated. She didn’t try to control the meeting. She just wanted to be a part of it.
Benjamin: “I used what I learned and I changed two teams.”
Fred, George and Sam disagreed and simply said, “No. That’s not what happened.”
These were corporate leaders attending a virtual online Causative Communication workshop. Their assignment, after the second training session, was to spend several weeks using their new communication abilities and observing the results.
The teams that Benjamin was talking about had been stuck in an argument for weeks prior to the training. Their meetings never moved beyond stubborn debates and were disappointingly unsatisfying and unproductive, much disgruntled grumbling on both sides. They were each “right”, but unable to unite to solve the bigger problem the organization needed them to solve.
There were extremely smart people on both sides. Genuinely good people who all believed they were doing the right thing.
Unfortunately, their communication ability was nowhere near up to the challenge of solving the heated, disagreement-filled situation they were all in.
Benjamin was the one person who decided to do something about it. He arrived to the training tremendously motivated. Benjamin was frustrated because the lack of cooperation seriously interfered with his ability to be productive and move forward in his own job.
In the first two training sessions, he worked on his own ability to communicate. He learned how to create a real human connection and a level of understanding that uplifts every conversation. He developed the ability to transform any conflict into harmony, then lead discussions into creative, productive and satisfying outcomes.
He had 3 weeks to put his new skills into action and make them hold up in this hurricane.
When we got together again at the start of the third day of training, they all were reporting back on what they had done, and the results they had produced.
Benjamin: “I used what I learned and I changed two teams.”
The others: “No, Benjamin. You changed the whole organization.”
Matthew: “I saw it work 40 times in a row. It saved me endless hours. I’ll never go back.”
Matthew negotiates contracts for a large general contracting construction company. I’ll give you an example of what that means. Matthew’s organization won a contract to build a very large, very beautiful, very modern new building for a prestigious university in California. It’s a big deal.
What Matthew’s organization does is hire all the people who are going to do the work: the builders, the electricians, the plumbers, the landscape gardeners, everyone involved in construction. Matthew’s company oversees all of the work, and is held responsible for the ultimate success of the project.
Once they select all the people they’re going to hire to do the work, Matthew negotiates all the contracts with each of those individuals.
For this particular project, Matthew had to negotiate 40 contracts.
Negotiations are ferocious and ungiving, and there can be endless hours of wrangling spent over one clause.
After many hours of negotiating contracts, Matthew completed Causative Communication training a couple months ago. He was thrilled by the difference in his negotiations after the class.
In the past, when the subcontractor would explain why he didn’t want to commit to a particular clause, Matthew wasn’t really listening to him. He had already heard it 30 other times. He already knew what they were going to say. Matthew simply wasn’t interested in hearing it. As a matter fact, he was slightly irritated having to listen to it over and over again.
But this time, Matthew changed.
Last week, during an in-person workshop, Benjamin said:
“Something deep inside me is relaxing.”
And with that, everything about Benjamin was different.
His face changed. His tone changed. His posture changed. Everything spoken and unspoken about Benjamin changed.
And that’s when Benjamin’s ability to create a real human connection surfaced. Along with that appeared his ability to create deeply satisfying communication with anyone.
The corporate world around him combined with happenings in his personal life had pressed Benjamin into an anxiety that never let go. An ever-present undercurrent of disquiet had spread to every muscle in his body and was most clearly seen in his tense face.
But now, Benjamin radiated not only a calm, but a beautiful state of natural cheerfulness that was delightful to everyone around him.
On my morning run this morning I ran into Margret, one of my neighbors, and I stopped to talk with her. There was something bothering Margret and I stopped to really listen.
As Margret talked, more and more frustration bubbled up. I listened intently. My mind was still. The world stopped at that moment, and Margret filled it.
Margret spoke passionately of what had happened. I could feel it all. It was a rich experience to have someone else’s world fill mine. I felt honored to receive it.
The tension gradually released from Margret’s face as she spoke. Her eyes searched mine and found understanding.
She said it all, and then looked quite different. She looked complete.
I let Margret know I could really understand how she was feeling. Margret saw in my eyes that it was true.
There was an instant smile on Margret’s face. A BIG one. And it stayed.
Then, after a brief moment of silence, with both of us smiling, Margret said, “Thank you so much! I feel lighter.”
Jennifer: “They’re only giving me two minutes in front of senior leadership to present this big idea! TWO minutes! I need your help! How do you present this in two minutes?”
Me: “Let’s take a step back. What do you really need?”
Jennifer: “I need 20 minutes!”
Me: “Good. Why don’t we work on how to successfully communicate so that you get the 20 minutes?”
Jennifer: “Oh my gosh, could I do that? That’s what I really want!”
Brad: “I’ve been waiting for this promotion for so long and I went to talk to my boss about it and he wants to give me a stretch assignment that has nothing to do with where my career is headed. I feel like I’m going backwards and being seriously delayed. And I’m going to be heading up a team that’s dysfunctional! How do I convince them to get this project done, and do it fast so I can get this stretch assignment over and get back on track?”
Me: “How about if we develop the skills you need to get your boss to see that there’s a better idea than the stretch assignment and that is to promote you to vice president?”
Brad: “Oh, wow! Could we do that? That’s what I really want!”
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times, in my coaching sessions, I help a person achieve, NOT the goal they initially state, but the real goal they actually have.
Moral of the story: To be truly causative you need to make sure you are working on the goal you want to achieve, not a goal someone has given you.
This is how people sacrifice their integrity and their basic purpose, bit by bit, until they are running under someone else’s control. It never goes well.
These are tricky situations that take a lot of skill. Getting others to agree with you. Getting others to change direction. Getting others enthusiastic about cooperating with you.
People think that when they rise to positions of authority, they’ll have more control. The opposite is true: When you have more control, you will rise to a position of authority.
You don’t need authority. You need skills.
Do you have a favorite photo of you?
If you’re like most people, you have many photos of you that you’re not crazy about, and only a small handful you like.
That photo of you that you really like captures for forever something wonderful about you. It’s the one photo of you that makes even you smile. You know the one I mean.
A really good photographer knows how to bring that out in you. That’s what I do while coaching people. I help bring something amazing out of each of them. My genius is in knowing how. In this article, I want to help you see WHY you like that photo of you and why you hate the others. And how to bring that amazing quality out of yourself and loving how you look, especially when you’re giving presentations.
I’m going to use Alessandro as an example. Alessandro is a senior executive I coached this week, helping him prepare for a presentation he’ll be making for an audience of thousands.
As a high level executive and technical leader, Alessandro has a unique 40,000-foot view of the industry and the future of the industry. He’s super smart and he’s innovative. None of this come across.
Alessandro comes across “corporate” and dry. Disappointingly uninspiring. After 3 minutes, you’ll wish it was over.
How do you bring out the charisma of someone like this?
Anita and Kevin made everyone in the meeting uncomfortable. Their disputes were legendary. As the heads of different departments, they stubbornly fought for what they believed were conflicting priorities. They argued even the smallest points. Neither one would give in an inch.
Attending a meeting with them was torture.
Anita’s boss finally told her it was affecting her career. Although she was a top performer, her confrontational approach was forever going to stop her from getting promoted to Senior Director and then VP, her passionate objective.
It didn’t matter how “right” Anita was, or the fact that she “won” every argument and was ultimately proven right, people flinched when she was in the room.
Anita couldn’t believe they wouldn’t promote her! “How can they justify holding me back when my performance is outstanding?!!!! I’m only doing what they told me to get done!!!!”
That’s how Anita found herself in front of me. A strong, smart woman in a super dilemma. What should she do when she was right, the other person was wrong and they wouldn’t back down?
Jesse is used to doing the impossible. He just applied for a position that everyone told him he couldn’t get. He’s been told many times that “usually” people need to “prove” themselves for several years before they’re considered for these higher levels.
Jesse long ago decided that “usually” was not for him.
He applied for the position … and got it. Right away too, I might add.
Jesse has gotten every position he’s applied for in the last 5 years, and there have been a good number. Many more than “usual”. His career is on the fast track.
I have a client in my life who makes unreasonable requests. I know, you’re thinking, “You’re lucky it’s just one unreasonable person in your life!” Well, there are more, but this is about a particularly prickly one.
The requests are always over the top, and sometimes they're impossible. At a minimum, they're "make-your-team-bend-over-backwards-to-make-this-happen".
I was always caught off guard by his demanding and harsh attitude. I used to try to reason with him, but was always a little off balance. I never came out of the meeting feeling good. Afterward I was always thinking, "Oh, I should have said ....."
I think it was uncomfortable for him too.
I decided one day, "No more of that!" (I hate feeling like an idiot.) I realized I wasn't giving myself time to think through what he was asking. My immediate reaction was always, "You have got to be kidding!" and I never had time for a second thought before he was demanding an immediate answer.
So, I changed my operating basis.
The look in your eyes tells me everything I need to know. Way in advance of it happening, I can tell by the look in your eyes if you are going to win, barely maintain, or lose.
What is it I see? I see the strength of your intention. It tells me everything about how it’s going to turn out for you.
Intention is something I teach, so I know a lot about it. It’s the secret ingredient of all success.
But, intention is not generally well understood.
Leo, a newly promoted Vice President in a major corporation, came to me for coaching. He said, “I want to be compelling.”
I said, “I can help you with that. What’s the message you’re trying to get across?”
Leo said, “Oh! Do you think I need one?”
Leo wanted to be compelling because, well, he wanted to be compelling. That was it. He had no real message.
We see too much of this. All show and no substance. People who want to be powerful only to get attention. Or status. Or admiration. Or to be told they’re compelling.
2022 was an amazing year. I’ll bet you discovered abilities you didn’t even know you had. These last several years have required your strength, grit, determination, resourcefulness, intelligence, and all the internal resources you could muster.
Well done!
Now we look ahead to 2023.
Starting the first week of January, you’ll pick up your brush and paint the first stroke of color on your blank canvas that will, day by day, turn into the next year of your life.
How do you manifest a beautiful year?
I’m a first generation immigrant. My parents came from Lithuania, right across the sea from Sweden.
We have a beautiful Christmas Eve tradition I think you’ll enjoy hearing about. It creates a very special moment.
Each person at the dinner table receives a large wafer of unleavened bread and we have communion.
You might have heard of “Holy Communion”, which is different. That’s when a Priest blesses the wafer and gives it special religious significance.
This Christmas Eve tradition of communion is not religious. If you look the word communion up in the dictionary, without the word “Holy” in front of it, it means:
The sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.
You can see it’s something special.
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