Larry, the Senior Vice President, was horrified.
It was an important meeting with important people. He was watching Victor, a newly promoted Vice President, and was completely horrified by what he saw. It wasn’t about what Victor was saying…he wasn’t saying anything. The problem was what Victor was doing.
Larry sent me an email saying, “You’ve got to coach Victor on his Executive Presence immediately!”
I said, “What specifically?”
It turned out to be something I’ve been coaching a surprisingly large number of people on, so I decided to write about it.
Larry said, “Victor is doing great work. But when he’s in a meeting, Victor looks totally bored, completely disengaged. He’s too relaxed, leaning back in his chair, totally disinterested. And often he has a disgusted look on his face. He’s creating a horrible impression.”
I told Larry, “No problem, it’s an easy fix.”
It was. It was one of the fastest coaching transformations in the history of the world.
As a Vice President, Victor knew he needed to have Executive Presence. However, when most people think about Executive Presence, they don’t think about what they’re doing when they’re sitting down. They think about themselves standing, walking and talking.
Most people don’t think about their poise when they’re sitting down.
And most importantly, people don’t think about their Executive Presence at all when they’re listening.
Most people think that when they’re listening, “I’m not doing anything.”
That is FAR from the truth.
The coaching was virtual because Victor is on the East Coast. We both had our cameras on. If we were in person, I would have videoed him.
I asked Victor to tell me examples of things he found really boring that people talk about in meetings, and examples of things people say that he really disagrees with.
That was easy. Victor gave me a list of things for both, and said he is especially disgusted when people are complaining.
I said, “Very good.” And I told him that next I wanted him simply to listen to me. He said, “Okay”.
For the next three minutes, without being theatrical at all, just being very realistic, I talked about all the things on Victor’s list and made it sound like I really meant it.
Victor “listened” for three minutes.
As we were doing this, I took multiple screenshots of Victor‘s face. I wish I could show them to you.
All I did was show Victor the screenshots of his face while he was doing what he thought was listening.
The look on Victor’s face in every screen shot was bad. Really bad.
Victor looked totally disengaged, totally bored, occasionally looking like he was suffering, some of the time extremely skeptical, always very disapproving.
Victor was horrified. He said, “I look like that????” I didn’t say anything. I just let it sink in.
I went over the principles of listening from Causative Communication. REAL listening, not what “everyone thinks is listening”. Victor was all ears and paying attention.
I talked a little bit about Executive Presence, and the important way that fits in.
And then I said, “Okay, let’s practice. Same list, but this time listen applying the Causative Communication principles!”
Initially, it was painful for Victor.
But I pointed out to him that you unlock the door to listening with willingness. If you’re not willing to listen, the ability will not be there.
The hardest thing for Victor was to decide that he was willing to listen. He was so clear that he hated what he was hearing that he was completely unwilling to listen. With no willingness, no ability to listen was possible.
I wasn’t trying to teach Victor to listen just so he would “look good” in the meeting. That is ridiculously superficial. I had to have Victor come up with a deeper meaning, and a deeper purpose for listening. A genuine purpose that came from him.
Victor realized that when he was in the meeting, he didn’t really care about his relationship with the other people there. During our coaching session, he started to care about them. When he started to care about them as individuals, everything changed. Now he was willing to listen to them. When he was willing to listen to them, he was able to listen to them.
We practiced and I took screenshots.
Magnificent.
Victor looked like a completely different person. He actually looked more handsome, a LOT more handsome.
And the way he was now listening to me, with real interest and affinity, made it really difficult for me to be boring or ugly in my conversation, or even complain. The way he was looking at me was irresistibly uplifting. I found myself spontaneously smiling at him. It was very hard to be negative, and even impossible, with him looking at me like that. The way he was looking at me transformed me. It’s going to change every relationship Victor has.
People don’t realize that you’re actually doing A LOT to the other person when you’re listening. It’s the opposite of, “I’m doing nothing”. You are doing something extremely powerful with the way you are looking at them and HOW you are listening. It ALWAYS has an extremely powerful impact.
I’ve “fixed” this issue hundreds of times simply by showing people screenshots of themselves while doing what they think is “listening”. People just need to SEE themselves.
It's a “blindspot” that few people ever find out about because you never see yourself when you’re listening!
But if you want to unlock the ability to transform others without having to say a word, this is where to look. Once you “see” it, you can’t unsee it. You’ll get immediate change.
Listening is not Executive Presence. But without it, there’s no hope of having Executive Presence.
REAL listening is an art. Once you master it, you can make the impossible happen.
Be the cause!