Communication

Coaching with candid screenshots

I take many candid screenshots during the virtual training, and a number of videos with small enough groups when the workshops are in person. A candid photo is a photo where the person is not posing, they don’t even know a photo of them is being taken.

As people go through the workshops, and they see their faces change in their screen shots, especially when they see the anxiety replaced with affinity, they almost can’t believe how good they look.

Your face alone has 42 muscles. Some sources say it has up to 60. Every single one of them reflects your attention and your affinity.

The power of dignity

How do you teach the principle of dignity? Most people wouldn’t know where to start.

I start with the word. People don’t know what it means. And if you can’t define it, you can’t do it.

Think to yourself, do you have crystal clarity on dignity?

I use a revolutionary new process called Word Clearing to teach extremely powerful concepts, including executive presence.

Navigating the maze when the other person is stubborn

People make a huge mistake thinking that just because they said something, that the other person “got it”.  That it registered.

When the person you’re talking to is solidly stuck in a particular viewpoint, when they have an obstinately fixed idea, there can be a time lapse between the time you say something and the time it registers.  Why? 

Your communication hasn’t ARRIVED.

How to change someone without saying a word

He was a hard-driving senior executive everyone was terrified of.  His criticisms were plenty, immediate and penetrating. Even so, the people in his division were fiercely loyal. He demanded, and they achieved.

Yet even the ones who had worked with him for years trembled with fear when they were called into his office. Most of his people don’t know what real listening is. They are too terrified of him to really listen, too terrified to really be there for him. You’re not hearing anything when you’re terrified. You’re focused on your own survival. You’ve got to really be there for someone for them to open up.

How to change everything with a single presentation

Most people have a lot of attention on themselves, what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they want, what they’re going to say, etc. etc. etc. etc. It’s a deeply trained-in self-consciousness that makes the most important question in their mind when they’re giving a presentation the absolutely wrong question and that is, “How am I coming across?”

It’s a common mistake - I’m always coaching people on this point.

How to avoid the anticipation trap

John sat down in front of me with a sour look on his face.

We were filming his first video in the Causative Communication training session. I have the students role-play a real situation with me, a situation from their lives that’s challenging for them so I can see how they handle pushback. We hadn’t even started and he was already looking at me with resentment.

It didn’t help that the look on his face was overlaid with a thin veneer of artificial civility. The first words he said to me were the forced polite, “Hello, how are you?” with a small, tight, fake smile. The look in his eyes told me he didn’t care.

John had no idea he looked this way.

Then John told me what he wanted from me in a tone of suppressed exasperation.  He was restraining his frustration, but it was unmistakable.  His face and tone betrayed him.

This made his communication feeble, the outcome hopeless.  It made him powerless. 

When we were discussing it afterwards, I asked John what he was thinking when he first sat down with me.

He said, “The last two times I tried to talk to this person, it really didn’t go well. I got nothing but resistance. I was expecting the same resistance again.”

And this was exactly what I was seeing – his overwhelming anticipation of a person he couldn’t influence, anticipation of an unsurmountable problem.  Which is the same as saying that he came into this situation dragging the past into the present and anticipating failure.

John had no idea he was doing this. And he had no idea the impact it was having on his outcome.

Why is this important?

Affinity magic at home

We all had tears in our eyes.  Elizabeth is an exec in the C-suite of a successful organization. Their senior exec team did the Causative Communication course together, and now, a month later in our follow up session, they were talking about the successes they created in the preceding month.

For Elizabeth, who was a stunning success in her professional life, this was personal.

Elizabeth‘s 12-year-old son, Matthew, had hit a stage where he wouldn’t talk to or look at her anymore.  He defiantly turned his head away from her whenever she was talking.

You can imagine the pain wrenching her heart.  Physically he was still in the house, but she’d lost his eyes.  She’d lost his heart. She’d lost his trust. She’d lost all connection.

What I love about Causative Communication is that you learn simple truths that require very light energy and produce powerful outcomes.

We spend a lot of time on the concept of affinity. This is one of the most misunderstood, undervalued, underutilized, and yet most INDISPENSIBLE elements of deep, rich, emotionally satisfying human relationships.

Affinity ISN’T what you’re thinking. Affinity is what you’re FEELING.

The alternative to walking away

I was explaining to Emily why I was not able to attend a meeting where I was not essential. The acknowledgement she gave me was a very resentful, “Bummer”.  

I then tried to tell her what I had already booked during that time, and also why the meeting would be fine without me.  Emily’s face was sour as I talked and she gave me an even more resentful, “Bummer.”  She clearly was not listening to me.

My first impulse was, “This is not fun.  I don’t like talking to you. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

And Emily was about to walk away herself.

At first, I was happy it was over, and then I thought to myself, “What would I tell a student to do in this situation?” 

They already know how to walk away.  But what they don’t know is how to transform an impasse like this.

How to be a hero in a distracted world

If you look at the list of skills that make a hero, the ability to be in the moment is at the top.

When Dillon Reeves was asked how he knew exactly what to do to stop the bus to avert a catastrophe, it turns out he’s been carefully watching his father drive for years. His father said, “He’s always been very attentive to his environment.”

This extraordinary boy stands out. In a distracted world, he is awake, alert, aware.

Awareness is king.

The problem people have, when they’re not aware, is they don’t know what they’re not aware of.

How one person can unite thousands

Sometimes humanity is lucky enough to have a single individual who is able to break through all the preconceived notions of despair, hopelessness, and impossibility that overwhelm the rest of the world. They release in humanity the most powerful of forces, the force of love and harmony.

At that moment we see with great clarity what being human really means.

At that moment, we find what we are seeking, what seemed impossible the moment before. We reach that distant shore that we as humanity long for.

The video below is one such a story.

How Ahmet lights up a room of executives

Ahmet: “Are you hungry?

Would you like half my dinner? I’m happy to share it with you. My wife made it and it’s very good.”

It was the end of a long day.  His homemade dinner was steaming on a hot plate, it looked good, and it smelled good. And I was smiling as I said, “It looks delicious!  But no, thank you. I’ll have dinner when I get home.”

Ahmet is a parking attendant in the basement garage of a tall, stunningly gorgeous building with floor-to-ceiling windows and spectacular views of the San Francisco Bay and the city’s financial district.

Everyone he serves has a lot more money than he does. But Ahmet has more heart than 100 people put together and he extends every bit of it as he invites me to share his dinner.

I can’t remember the last time someone made an offer like this to me.

What to do with someone who never lets their guard down

We were meeting for the first time. Her face was hard, stern. She had her head tilted back and was looking down her nose at me. Her voice was uncompromising.

“I am the Chief of Staff here. We are responsible for billions of dollars of new product development and I report directly to the Chief Operating Officer.  Everything to the COO goes through me. I make sure everything gets done. I have global responsibility.”

Her eyes challenged me, daring me to top that.

I looked into the heart of this woman and said, “Very nice to meet you. You must have done a lot to get there.”

I wasn’t flattering her.  I was understanding her.

She looked into my eyes and changed into a different person.  Her eyes softened and she smiled very slightly. 

She thought for a moment and said, “Honestly, it’s a tough job, they don’t always listen to me.”

I thought about that for a moment and quietly said, “I can really understand that. That would be tough.”

I was in no rush.  I wasn’t being sympathetic.  I was understanding her.

She looked into my eyes to see if my understanding was true. Being understood was new to her. She saw it was. 

Transforming Henry: the worst communicator in the room

Some people think you have to be “born with” the skills and charisma that make a really great public speaker.  Not true.  Let me tell you the story of Henry.

I was invited to give a two-hour talk on presentation skills at a technical conference for a highly specialized professional association.

At the banquet the night before my presentation, I told the President of the association, Steve, that I wanted to line up a volunteer to coach during my talk.  He asked what qualities I was looking for and I said, “Someone who really needs to improve in their presentation skills.” 

Steve enthusiastically told me Henry would be perfect and I said, “Let’s go meet him.”  Well, meet him I did.  Henry hardly took his eyes off the floor while we were talking, and for the brief moments they did come off the floor, they went straight to the ceiling or the wall on our right.  Turns out, Steve interpreted my request as, “Who is the absolute worst communicator in this group?”

Henry didn’t look like someone who liked to be told what to do. I told Henry, “You know, I’m going to be coaching you in front of 300 people.”  He glared at me for a brief moment and said, “What does THAT mean?”  I said, “I’m going to be telling you what to do and you’re going to have to do it.  Are you okay with that?”  He mulled it over a little (looking at the ceiling) and then said, “I guess that’s okay.”  Neither one of us was sure that it was, but with these words we locked in our next day’s destiny.

After Henry left, Steve said, “I hope you’re going to coach him on looking at people!” And then laughed for 2 minutes straight. 

How to light up the virtual meeting room by subtracting

Tamara was nervous.  In two days, she had to give a presentation to 400.  Her first really big one.

It was Day 1 of Mastering Virtual Presentations and it was difficult for Tamara to practice without her teeth chattering.

The problem with being nervous is it makes you lose touch with everything good about you. Sometimes to the point where you can’t see anything good about yourself.  The things you tell yourself at these moments tend to be dreadful.

Tamara was doubting whether she could speak without forgetting what to say, without everyone seeing how nervous she was.

There was a lot riding on how well Tamara did. If the Salespeople got excited about the new product, the revenue it would generate would be tremendous. But they had so many other products that they were selling, one new one often didn’t register. Tamara was one of many speakers throughout the day that would all turn into a blur.

As one doubt piled on top of another, Tamara doubted even her own ability to speak coherently.

She was a nervous wreck.

It was a truly exciting product she was going to present. If only the Salespeople understood what it did.

In Tamara’s case, it was not a matter of adding anything to her presentation. It was a matter of subtracting.

You’ll never get the outcome you want if your face looks like this …

Last week I wrote about Victor, a VP I was coaching on Executive Presence.  I wrote about the effect Victor’s facial expressions were having on others and how it diminished his Executive Presence.

Victor’s BIGGEST realization was when he saw a screenshot of his face during a moment he didn’t think he had any facial expression, when he was feeling neutral, not one way or the other, not positive or negative, not really feeling anything.

What shocked Victor when he saw his face was that his “neutral” expression looked COLD.

People don’t realize that when you put a neutral expression on your face, you look cold. Try it in the mirror and see for yourself. Get your neutral face on and then look.

Neutral has no warmth in it. Zero.

And no warmth equals cold. There’s no way around it.

When it comes to human relationships, neutral leaves them cold about you. Possibly even defensive. You are discouraging them from warming up to you.

How to have Executive Presence, even when you're not talking

Larry, the Senior Vice President, was horrified.

It was an important meeting with important people. He was watching Victor, a newly promoted Vice President, and was completely horrified by what he saw.  It wasn’t about what Victor was saying…he wasn’t saying anything. The problem was what Victor was doing.

Larry sent me an email saying, “You’ve got to coach Victor on his Executive Presence immediately!”

I said, “What specifically?”

It turned out to be something I’ve been coaching a surprisingly large number of people on, so I decided to write about it.

Larry said, “Victor is doing great work.  But when he’s in a meeting, Victor looks totally bored, completely disengaged.  He’s too relaxed, leaning back in his chair, totally disinterested. And often he has a disgusted look on his face.  He’s creating a horrible impression.”

I told Larry, “No problem, it’s an easy fix.”

It was. It was one of the fastest coaching transformations in the history of the world.

Curing yourself from unnecessary apologies

A couple of days ago I started the first Executive Coaching session with Marcos. I asked him to tell me about his goals for the coaching and he said, “I really want to learn about Executive Presence.”  I asked him why.

As he was telling me his goals, he apologized three times.

“I’m sorry, this probably sounds like a silly thing. But what I’d really like is…”

“That probably doesn’t make any sense, but what I was thinking was…”

“I’m sorry that was such a long-winded explanation of what I am looking for, I hope that makes sense…”

He’s not the only one apologizing. If I count the number of times each week that someone apologizes to me for communicating, it’s quite a number.

“I’m sorry if I’m coming across opinionated…”

“I’m sorry, I just have to say this…”

“I’m probably taking too long to explain this …”

This is a new phenomenon in society. Somehow perfectly wonderful people have been made to feel they need to apologize for communicating.

I could spend an entire article talking about how this came to be, but I want to get right to the point: 

It’s not healthy.

Why Causative Communicators don’t fight

Many people ask me what happens when TWO people who totally disagree, but who have BOTH learned Causative Communication skills, come together?  In other words, when they each know how to make what they want happen, but both are super intent on achieving their own opposing or competing outcome? Wouldn’t that just cause a fight? Do they get stubborn and persistent?  Does it go on forever? Does it stick in an unresolvable stalemate? Does it get ugly?

Let me answer that question with something that just happened.

When Rick came to the Causative Communication workshop, one of his prime motivations was a situation with someone he called “the difficult guy”.  We’ll call this guy Philip. 

Rick and Philip completely disagreed on important details of a big project. Up to this point, every single meeting turned into an argument. They never agreed on anything. They never came even slightly close to achieving the outcomes they wanted.  All they managed to do was irritate each other.

During the Causative Communication workshop, as part of his practical assignment to apply what he was learning to real life situations, Rick decided to try what he’d learned in his next conversation with Philip. A real test.

Rick decided to initiate a conversation about a previously unresolved topic, but this time he would strictly follow the full process of the Communication Formula and see what happened.

Rick wasn’t going to give an inch on what he wanted, he was just going to follow the specific process of the formula while they talked about it.

The power to lead from anywhere in the organization

Paula was a young “Early in Career” engineer, her first job out of college. She was excited to land in a successful corporation filled with 80,000 employees.  As a new member, Paula was at the very bottom of the towering command chain.

While her position was small, her vision and her dreams were big. More than anything, Paula wanted to do good in the world around her. 

She came to Causative Communication to learn how to communicate effectively with the whole world where everything was new to her. She was young and wide-eyed and innocent, no accumulated failures pulled back her confidence. She was driven by her dreams, not by her fears.

Paula knew she had no command power over anyone, but she could already see that communication is a powerful force, and had concluded by watching others that the ability to communicate is the most powerful ability she could have when it came to working with a whole lot of people.

She was part of a small team that was part of a larger team that was part of an even larger team. Paula often attended meetings with 40 others from her division. Everyone had seniority and experience over her.

With the communication skills she developed in the workshop under her belt, Paula spoke up with confidence in these larger meetings. She voiced her thoughts, she acknowledged others, she participated. She didn’t try to control the meeting. She just wanted to be a part of it.

The one person who decided to do something about it

Benjamin: “I used what I learned and I changed two teams.”

Fred, George and Sam disagreed and simply said, “No. That’s not what happened.”

These were corporate leaders attending a virtual online Causative Communication workshop. Their assignment, after the second training session, was to spend several weeks using their new communication abilities and observing the results.

The teams that Benjamin was talking about had been stuck in an argument for weeks prior to the training. Their meetings never moved beyond stubborn debates and were disappointingly unsatisfying and unproductive, much disgruntled grumbling on both sides. They were each “right”, but unable to unite to solve the bigger problem the organization needed them to solve.

There were extremely smart people on both sides. Genuinely good people who all believed they were doing the right thing.

Unfortunately, their communication ability was nowhere near up to the challenge of solving the heated, disagreement-filled situation they were all in.

Benjamin was the one person who decided to do something about it.  He arrived to the training tremendously motivated. Benjamin was frustrated because the lack of cooperation seriously interfered with his ability to be productive and move forward in his own job.

In the first two training sessions, he worked on his own ability to communicate.  He learned how to create a real human connection and a level of understanding that uplifts every conversation. He developed the ability to transform any conflict into harmony, then lead discussions into creative, productive and satisfying outcomes.

He had 3 weeks to put his new skills into action and make them hold up in this hurricane.

When we got together again at the start of the third day of training, they all were reporting back on what they had done, and the results they had produced.

Benjamin: “I used what I learned and I changed two teams.”

The others: “No, Benjamin. You changed the whole organization.”