We all had tears in our eyes. Elizabeth is an exec in the C-suite of a successful organization. Their senior exec team did the Causative Communication course together, and now, a month later in our follow up session, they were talking about the successes they created in the preceding month.
Mostly we had focused on professional situations, but communication is vital in every area of life and people always love using what they learned especially at home. For Elizabeth, who was a stunning success in her professional life, this was personal.
Elizabeth‘s 12-year-old son, Matthew, had hit a stage where he wouldn’t talk to or look at her anymore. He defiantly turned his head away from her whenever she was talking.
You can imagine the pain wrenching her heart. Physically he was still in the house, but she’d lost his eyes. She’d lost his heart. She’d lost his trust. She’d lost all connection.
The most painful moment was the moment after Elizabeth said, “I’d like you to look at me when we talk to each other” and it produced a look of resentment you never want to see in your son’s eyes.
What I love about Causative Communication is that you learn simple truths that require very light energy and produce powerful outcomes.
We spend a lot of time on the concept of affinity. This is one of the most misunderstood, undervalued, underutilized, and yet most INDISPENSIBLE elements of deep, rich, emotionally satisfying human relationships.
Affinity ISN’T what you’re thinking. Affinity is what you’re FEELING.
It’s how much you like or love the other person in that moment. And how much you’re feeling or are filled with it.
Elizabeth loved her son desperately and said, “But I have so MUCH affinity for Matthew! I couldn’t possibly have more!”
I asked, “Yes, I can see that, but are you feeling it when you talk with him? What are you feeling when you talk with him?”
Elizabeth said, “I’m feeling complete frustration, utterly disappointed, like a total failure, and about as miserable as I’ve ever been in my life.”
I said, “All of that is showing in your eyes when he looks at you and that’s why he looks away, because that is exactly what he sees when he looks into your eyes … and it’s too hard to look at.”
She looks stunned and said, “What should I do?”
I said this. “Just feel that affinity for him. Feeling affinity for him will push out the other feelings. See what happens.”
A month later Elizabeth told us what happened.
She decided to do it right away. At the dinner table, Matthew was eating, saying nothing. Head down, not looking at her.
Elizabeth looked at Matthew in between bites, watching him eat, looked for things she liked about him, found a couple, started to feel genuine affinity, and with no pressure pushing down at her to say anything, suddenly felt overwhelmed with affinity and love for this boy. She was filled with it.
Elizabeth said absolutely nothing, she was simply feeling it. And feeling that beautiful feeling grow.
Matthew glanced up, his eyes accidentally caught hers just for a split second, and as usual, he immediately looked away. But this time, his head whipped back up, and he looked back at Elizabeth. Stopped eating and looked and looked, exploring her eyes, trying to identify what he was seeing, because it was so new.
Elizabeth said nothing, she just let the emotion of love fill inside her. She couldn’t help smiling at him. Just feeling affinity and periodically looking up from her meal, just looking at him, no words. It was all very natural. Her love was real.
And this time, it was not tainted by any other emotion.
Wide-eyed, Matthew looked at her. Neither one of them speaking. Then, magically, his eyes slowly filled with affinity.
And then Matthew started to talk. She listened with affinity. He talked some more. She listened. He had so much he was holding inside, it all came tumbling out. Elizabeth simply listened.
They kept talking after dinner. Matthew moved closer and let her put his arms around him, and he leaned into her. They kept talking.
She came back to the follow-up session and said, “My son is back.”
For the past month she has been enjoying her conversations with her son. It’s much easier to talk about everything with affinity. They’ve tackled the tough topics and, with the other skills Elizabeth learned in Causative Communication, they’re all going well.
A mother often looks at her newborn baby with love pouring from her eyes. The baby looks back, matching her affinity. This affinity, these looks, diminish over time. Parents often give their growing children, especially teenagers, very critical looks. Totally different. And they get totally different results in their relationships.
I’m talking about parents who LOVE their children. Sometimes the more they love, the more critical they are. Being honest is a good thing, but something’s not right when it destroys a conversation. Really having that affinity whatever you say sends a completely different message.
Don’t get me started at how we look at each other when we work in large corporations! People don’t realize how cold their looks are.
Do we need this affinity when we’re babies, but discard that need as adults?
Hardly.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to bring these beautiful looks, these beautiful eyes, back. All you have to do is really feel affinity for the other person, and it will show in your eyes and create magic.
Affinity is one of the most powerful forces in the human condition.
Affinity is nonverbal. It’s not what you’re saying. It’s not constant smiling. It’s not being happy. You can’t fake it. It’s not something you project.
It has two simple elements. You have to feel it. And it has to be real. That’s all.
Start small and work up to more. The more you focus on it, the easier it all is.
And the more you are filled with it, the more people around you will be filled with affinity for you also.
Affinity always creates magic. Gently, over time, even the most drastic of relationships can be restored. And good relationships can flourish like never before.
You can’t wait for the other person to go first. You’re the one reading this.
At one of our coaching sessions this week, one of our students asked, “Should I have affinity even when I’m talking to senior executives?”
Answer: It doesn’t matter if it’s your 12-year-old son, your CEO, a colleague you haven’t been getting along with or your best friend. Affinity always produces the most magical effect. Senior executives and all human beings need it more than you might ever guess.
You don’t need to take my word for it, you can prove to yourself that it works. It’s easy enough: Feel it. Then go talk to them.
You will be amazed at what can happen. If you didn’t believe in magic before feeling affinity, you certainly will after you master it.
Be the cause!