“I get stage fright so bad, my mind freezes up and my ears start to burn.” So said Matt.
Janet, our Lead Trainer, and I were coaching Matt, preparing him for an upcoming in-person presentation he will be giving to 500 leaders from his company, gathered together for a quarterly meeting in a large convention center. Matt is a Senior Vice President, responsible for $6.2 billion worth of annual revenue. He knows his stuff, he’s a good man. Yet terrified of public speaking.
Put Matt in front of 500 people, his expertness, confidence, talent and intelligence drain right out of him.
“I feel all alone up there, completely disconnected. Even when I know what I want to say, it all leaves me.”
Matt thought his problem was facing 500.
What I could see from observing him, was that he wasn’t even really facing 1.
What do I mean by that?
Matt, like most people in the world today, has been carefully taught to not really LOOK at people.
“It’s not polite.”
The prevailing attitude is that it’s okay to look at them a little bit and not too long, but not okay to really LOOK. And it’s definitely not okay to look the way a child likes to look, the way a child EXAMINES the world around them, unselfconsciously inspects you, studies you, takes in everything about you when they look at you.
Adults glance. A child looks.
Which one is more “natural”? The adult? Or the child?
Which is the one you do when left to your own devices? Which is the one you’ve been “taught”?
Here’s the problem that not being able to look creates: When you can’t really look at people, you can’t really talk to them.
Matt thought he was afraid of 500 people.
What I saw was that he was a little bit afraid of even 1.
If even 1 person can make you a little bit afraid, and then you multiply that by 500, it completely overwhelms you.
There was an undercurrent of anxiety in Matt that was always present, even when he met me, that it had become “normal” to him.
But it’s not normal to a human being to be afraid all the time. It’s not normal to have chronic anxiety.
Just because a person has it all the time, does not make it normal. Just because everyone around you has it all the time, doesn’t make it a normal human condition.
Your natural reaction is to look. It’s only when you can’t look at people that you become afraid of them.
It’s not that hard to move beyond the fear to something MUCH more natural.
Staring is not polite. Looking is fine. It’s not important how LONG you look at someone. Your intent is what’s important.
Staring has questionable intent. Looking does not. Looking, per all dictionaries, is “The act of directing the eyes in order to see”. To LOOK has the simple intent of “to SEE”. No more intent beyond seeing. Seeing is good.
I had Matt sit in a chair across from Janet, a comfortable distance apart, not too far, as close as they would be if they were having a conversation. I asked him to just look at her.
At first It was uncomfortable for Matt. He was squirming. You could see his mind take over, the look on his face said he was hoping it would be over very quickly indeed.
All of the little voices in his head that told him, “You really shouldn’t look at people” went into hyper drive. You could see the tension in his shoulders. He made awkward and nervous little smiles, his eyes blinking too much.
The battle raged fiercely between Matt and the little voices.
I knew that Matt just needed to continue and the voices would be quieted. And so he did.
Janet was simply sitting across from him very comfortably, filled with affinity for him and enjoying the moment, just looking at him, not saying anything.
After five minutes, the miracle happened. Matt actually SAW Janet for the first time. All at once it became SIMPLE for him. Matt saw a woman, a very friendly woman, a nice woman with smiling eyes, a woman with no sinister intent, was simply sitting across from him and looking at him. For the first time he SAW her. Not through a filter of fear. Not through a filter of anticipation. Not through a filter of anything. Direct looking. Direct seeing.
With a little surprise in his voice, Matt said, “There is no threat there.”
The voices in his head were defeated.
Matt relaxed. ALL of his body language, shoulders, hips, legs, face, shifted into something comfortable. Then Matt truly opened his eyes and REALLY looked at Janet. With GREAT natural curiosity, as that of an innocent child. Matt suddenly discovered he was REALLY interested in seeing what was over there. He didn’t restrain it. He looked and looked and looked and looked.
It was almost as if he’d never really seen a human being before.
As Matt kept looking, he started to smile, gradually bigger and bigger. The next thing you knew, he and Janet were sitting there, looking at each other and smiling big, both of them. Totally comfortable, totally relaxed, totally in the moment. No words necessary.
We let that go on for a little while until the transformation in Matt felt complete.
Next I had Matt stand in front of the room and just look at both Janet and me sitting in his audience, no one speaking, just being there. There was a little bit of embarrassed tension in the beginning, awkward stiffness in the way he was standing, but Matt very quickly got over it, relaxed and started enjoying simply looking at us. Enjoying just the seeing. Enjoying the moment.
No need to fill the space with nervous chit chat. No need for self-conscious embarrassment. No need for restraint. No need for holding himself in. For holding himself back.
Matt’s chronic anxiety was gone.
Then Janet and I taught him how to own the room, which gives you a terribly amazing and wonderful aura. And then we taught him how to connect with the audience. I asked, “How ‘ya doing?” Matt said:
“I never have to be afraid again, it doesn’t matter if it’s an audience of 5, 500 or 5000.
“I can just really look at them, see each person, really absorb them, drink them in and really connect. There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. I can face anyone.”
I wish you could have seen his face. The tremendous relief this man experienced to be rid of the horrid burden of choking, ear-burning anxiety that viciously attacked him every time he went to speak was indescribable. Matt was so happy, I thought he was going to levitate.
This was the beginning. Now we went to work on the other skills Matt needs to be truly compelling. His “Before” and “After” video that day showed a night and day difference. Matt has released his inborn powers to now enjoy being a naturally compelling and charismatic speaker. A power we all have. A power you have.
It gives me great joy to see people be released from the false ideas and restraints that hold them down and hold them back from being able to be themselves and to communicate. To release those chains and set their spirits free.
To me, that’s what it’s all about, the magic of setting our spirits free. And connecting with each other to create new understandings.
Be the cause!