Causative Communication

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How to have Executive Presence, even when you're not talking

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Larry, the Senior Vice President, was horrified.

It was an important meeting with important people. He was watching Victor, a newly promoted Vice President, and was completely horrified by what he saw.  It wasn’t about what Victor was saying…he wasn’t saying anything. The problem was what Victor was doing.

Larry sent me an email saying, “You’ve got to coach Victor on his Executive Presence immediately!”

I said, “What specifically?”

It turned out to be something I’ve been coaching a surprisingly large number of people on, so I decided to write about it.

Larry said, “Victor is doing great work.  But when he’s in a meeting, Victor looks totally bored, completely disengaged.  He’s too relaxed, leaning back in his chair, totally disinterested. And often he has a disgusted look on his face.  He’s creating a horrible impression.”

I told Larry, “No problem, it’s an easy fix.”

It was. It was one of the fastest coaching transformations in the history of the world.

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Curing yourself from unnecessary apologies

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A couple of days ago I started the first Executive Coaching session with Marcos. I asked him to tell me about his goals for the coaching and he said, “I really want to learn about Executive Presence.”  I asked him why.

As he was telling me his goals, he apologized three times.

“I’m sorry, this probably sounds like a silly thing. But what I’d really like is…”

“That probably doesn’t make any sense, but what I was thinking was…”

“I’m sorry that was such a long-winded explanation of what I am looking for, I hope that makes sense…”

He’s not the only one apologizing. If I count the number of times each week that someone apologizes to me for communicating, it’s quite a number.

“I’m sorry if I’m coming across opinionated…”

“I’m sorry, I just have to say this…”

“I’m probably taking too long to explain this …”

This is a new phenomenon in society. Somehow perfectly wonderful people have been made to feel they need to apologize for communicating.

I could spend an entire article talking about how this came to be, but I want to get right to the point: 

It’s not healthy.

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Why Causative Communicators don’t fight

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Many people ask me what happens when TWO people who totally disagree, but who have BOTH learned Causative Communication skills, come together?  In other words, when they each know how to make what they want happen, but both are super intent on achieving their own opposing or competing outcome? Wouldn’t that just cause a fight? Do they get stubborn and persistent?  Does it go on forever? Does it stick in an unresolvable stalemate? Does it get ugly?

Let me answer that question with something that just happened.

When Rick came to the Causative Communication workshop, one of his prime motivations was a situation with someone he called “the difficult guy”.  We’ll call this guy Philip. 

Rick and Philip completely disagreed on important details of a big project. Up to this point, every single meeting turned into an argument. They never agreed on anything. They never came even slightly close to achieving the outcomes they wanted.  All they managed to do was irritate each other.

During the Causative Communication workshop, as part of his practical assignment to apply what he was learning to real life situations, Rick decided to try what he’d learned in his next conversation with Philip. A real test.

Rick decided to initiate a conversation about a previously unresolved topic, but this time he would strictly follow the full process of the Communication Formula and see what happened.

Rick wasn’t going to give an inch on what he wanted, he was just going to follow the specific process of the formula while they talked about it.

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The power to lead from anywhere in the organization

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Paula was a young “Early in Career” engineer, her first job out of college. She was excited to land in a successful corporation filled with 80,000 employees.  As a new member, Paula was at the very bottom of the towering command chain.

While her position was small, her vision and her dreams were big. More than anything, Paula wanted to do good in the world around her. 

She came to Causative Communication to learn how to communicate effectively with the whole world where everything was new to her. She was young and wide-eyed and innocent, no accumulated failures pulled back her confidence. She was driven by her dreams, not by her fears.

Paula knew she had no command power over anyone, but she could already see that communication is a powerful force, and had concluded by watching others that the ability to communicate is the most powerful ability she could have when it came to working with a whole lot of people.

She was part of a small team that was part of a larger team that was part of an even larger team. Paula often attended meetings with 40 others from her division. Everyone had seniority and experience over her.

With the communication skills she developed in the workshop under her belt, Paula spoke up with confidence in these larger meetings. She voiced her thoughts, she acknowledged others, she participated. She didn’t try to control the meeting. She just wanted to be a part of it.

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The one person who decided to do something about it

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Benjamin: “I used what I learned and I changed two teams.”

Fred, George and Sam disagreed and simply said, “No. That’s not what happened.”

These were corporate leaders attending a virtual online Causative Communication workshop. Their assignment, after the second training session, was to spend several weeks using their new communication abilities and observing the results.

The teams that Benjamin was talking about had been stuck in an argument for weeks prior to the training. Their meetings never moved beyond stubborn debates and were disappointingly unsatisfying and unproductive, much disgruntled grumbling on both sides. They were each “right”, but unable to unite to solve the bigger problem the organization needed them to solve.

There were extremely smart people on both sides. Genuinely good people who all believed they were doing the right thing.

Unfortunately, their communication ability was nowhere near up to the challenge of solving the heated, disagreement-filled situation they were all in.

Benjamin was the one person who decided to do something about it.  He arrived to the training tremendously motivated. Benjamin was frustrated because the lack of cooperation seriously interfered with his ability to be productive and move forward in his own job.

In the first two training sessions, he worked on his own ability to communicate.  He learned how to create a real human connection and a level of understanding that uplifts every conversation. He developed the ability to transform any conflict into harmony, then lead discussions into creative, productive and satisfying outcomes.

He had 3 weeks to put his new skills into action and make them hold up in this hurricane.

When we got together again at the start of the third day of training, they all were reporting back on what they had done, and the results they had produced.

Benjamin: “I used what I learned and I changed two teams.”

The others: “No, Benjamin. You changed the whole organization.”

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The really smart way to get others to listen

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Leon: “How do you talk to people who don’t want to hear it?  When I give them feedback, they immediately get defensive.”

Me: “How do you start the meeting?”

Leon: “I say:  I need to give you some feedback.”

Me: “Any other way you start the conversation?”

Leon: “I might say:  What we’re doing isn’t working and we need to change.  Or I might say:  You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect it to work, that’s insanity.  Or I might say: “I’ve told you all this 3 times already but nothing’s happened.”

Leon: Sigh.  “I’m just so frustrated.  They’re just not open to anything.”

I know very, very, very few people you could walk up to and say any of these things to who would happily listen to you.  If you want to test how to make someone immediately defensive, just try walking up to someone and saying, “Is it okay if I give you some feedback?” 

Or if you’re really feeling adventurous, you could see what happens when you say, “You know, you really need to change.”  

The only other way I know to make them even more defensive is to say, “I don’t want you to get defensive when I tell you this …”  That’s guaranteed to create an instantly defensive reaction from even the nicest person.

On the other hand, it’s pretty easy to initiate challenging meetings and difficult conversations and get them rapidly rolling in a positive direction when you understand that the most powerful human motivating force is purpose.

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Putting yourself in command of an outcome

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Sean was one of several hundred employees in a division of a very large corporation. He reported to a Manager who reported to a Director who reported to the Vice President.  Sean “commanded” no one.

The Vice President issued a directive to Sean’s division that, after being in place for two weeks, was extremely unpopular within the ranks. Despite major grumbling, the division Managers told their people that they understood their frustration, but to try to deal with it best they could.

Sean was so bothered by this directive, he was seriously thinking of quitting a job he loved and looking for another one outside the company. 

Since he had just taken Causative Communication, he used what he learned to ask for a meeting with his Manager. It took COURAGE for Sean to approach her on this hot topic. 

As he suspected, the Manager knew people were unhappy, but it wasn't totally REAL to her how bad it actually was. It often happens that the other person has some idea of the situation, but it's just a glimpse and not the full force of it, it’s not as REAL to them as it is to everyone else.  They don’t really get it.

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The power of taking yourself off automatic

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Carl was walking out the door.  Over his shoulder, walking away from me as he was talking, he was tossing off a goodbye, “Thanks a lot!  I’ll be in touch!” 

Carl had just completed an intensive 3-day Causative Communication class.  In just 2 sentences he had forgotten everything he learned.  His tossed-out comments sounded insincere, or at best, meaningless, just something you’re supposed to say because you’re leaving.

I said, “Carl, do you have another minute?”   He said, “Sure!”  Turned around and came back to me.

I said, “Carl, you’ve already lost everything you learned.”  

Carl looked thunderstruck.  He wasn’t expecting that. 

There was a long silence as he looked into my eyes.  I said nothing.  Then he said, “Oh wow.  You’re right.”

Then he said, “I can see I’m really going to need to deliberately and consciously practice this.” 

Knowing Carl’s commitment to becoming a truly great communicator, I told him what I’ve told many of my students: “If you really want to master communication and achieve its highest strata of excellence, you’ll need to apply what you learned in every conversation, every single day.”

Then Carl said what I’ve heard from many:  “I’ll keep practicing and it will become automatic.” 

No, it won’t.

And you don’t want it to.  That was the problem that Carl was already having.  Too many things on “automatic”. 

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How to change a corporate culture in 2 hours

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The members of the senior leadership team of a large Silicon Valley company were good people, they were just adversarial.  Facts were instantly disputed and ideas were challenged and criticized.  Their weekly meetings turned into antagonistic confrontations, they were unpleasant and rarely ended well.

The General Manager had a tendency to become overbearing and repeat himself to the point where the team tuned him out.

They were the kind of meetings that left you feeling bad for a couple of hours after they were done.

Two of the nine on the team attended a Causative Communication workshop.  Neither one of them was particularly liked or respected by the others (no one was) at the time they started the workshop.  Neither one had any authority relative to the others. What they did have going for them was an eagerness to create change.

In the next senior leadership meeting after the training, they both did something they’d never done before, that no one on the team had ever done before.

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My one-day communications "experiment"

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A man in Silicon Valley known to grit his teeth and multitask through everything shut his phone off a moment before the meeting started.  A woman on the East Coast relaxed, slowed down and took her time getting her ideas across. A usually distracted woman in Europe in yet another meeting was fully present, focused, giving 100% of her attention.  In India, a man who talks too fast, in a different meeting, took his time, spoke clearly and paused throughout to let his ideas fully resonate. They all paid attention when others were speaking and took time to reflect on what was said.

They were all in different meetings, but what they all had in common was their decision to participate, along with hundreds of others in their company.

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The secret to successful high-stakes communication

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Flashback to three years ago – Susan: “I don’t think it’s going to work.”

I was looking at a beautiful, strong and successful corporate attorney. Susan wasn’t being defiant. She genuinely didn’t think what I was teaching was going to work.

Susan faces tough negotiations.  No one backs down, no one gives an inch, they aggressively fight for every possible advantage.  They pounce at any hint of vulnerability.  Warmth is construed as weakness.

It’s a high-stakes game played with millions of dollars. It’s not an arena for taking risks lightly. It’s certainly not one where you would try something that you didn’t think was going to work just to see if your communications instructor was right about it.

What were we talking about? Acknowledgments.  Susan was my student in a communications class and I had just covered the power of acknowledgment.

The key to a really good acknowledgment is the listening that precedes it.

In difficult situations people’s minds are usually racing around too much to really hear what the other person is saying. They’re too busy disagreeing or trying to figure out what they’re going to say, manufacturing a winning rebuttal.

A really good acknowledgment starts with really good listening.  And real listening always includes being interested.  It always includes understanding.  By definition, it must.  Whether or not you agree.  And ESPECIALLY when you disagree.

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How to negotiate anything

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Matthew: “I saw it work 40 times in a row.  It saved me endless hours.  I’ll never go back.”

Matthew negotiates contracts for a large general contracting construction company. I’ll give you an example of what that means. Matthew’s organization won a contract to build a very large, very beautiful, very modern new building for a prestigious university in California. It’s a big deal.

What Matthew’s organization does is hire all the people who are going to do the work:  the builders, the electricians, the plumbers, the landscape gardeners, everyone involved in construction. Matthew’s company oversees all of the work, and is held responsible for the ultimate success of the project.

Once they select all the people they’re going to hire to do the work, Matthew negotiates all the contracts with each of those individuals.

For this particular project, Matthew had to negotiate 40 contracts.

Negotiations are ferocious and ungiving, and there can be endless hours of wrangling spent over one clause.

After many hours of negotiating contracts, Matthew completed Causative Communication training a couple months ago.  He was thrilled by the difference in his negotiations after the class.

In the past, when the subcontractor would explain why he didn’t want to commit to a particular clause, Matthew wasn’t really listening to him. He had already heard it 30 other times. He already knew what they were going to say.  Matthew simply wasn’t interested in hearing it.  As a matter fact, he was slightly irritated having to listen to it over and over again.

But this time, Matthew changed. 

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Getting that something deep inside you to relax

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Last week, during an in-person workshop, Benjamin said:

“Something deep inside me is relaxing.”

And with that, everything about Benjamin was different.   

His face changed.  His tone changed. His posture changed. Everything spoken and unspoken about Benjamin changed. 

And that’s when Benjamin’s ability to create a real human connection surfaced.  Along with that appeared his ability to create deeply satisfying communication with anyone.  

The corporate world around him combined with happenings in his personal life had pressed Benjamin into an anxiety that never let go. An ever-present undercurrent of disquiet had spread to every muscle in his body and was most clearly seen in his tense face. 

But now, Benjamin radiated not only a calm, but a beautiful state of natural cheerfulness that was delightful to everyone around him.

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Stopping the world to listen

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 On my morning run this morning I ran into Margret, one of my neighbors, and I stopped to talk with her. There was something bothering Margret and I stopped to really listen.

As Margret talked, more and more frustration bubbled up.  I listened intently. My mind was still. The world stopped at that moment, and Margret filled it.

Margret spoke passionately of what had happened.  I could feel it all.  It was a rich experience to have someone else’s world fill mine.  I felt honored to receive it.

The tension gradually released from Margret’s face as she spoke.  Her eyes searched mine and found understanding.

She said it all, and then looked quite different.  She looked complete. 

I let Margret know I could really understand how she was feeling. Margret saw in my eyes that it was true.

There was an instant smile on Margret’s face. A BIG one. And it stayed.

Then, after a brief moment of silence, with both of us smiling, Margret said, “Thank you so much! I feel lighter.”

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How to disagree

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Laura:  "I would like to make a change in the process to improve it."

Me:  "We’ve always done it this way, it's been working fine. I don’t see why we need to change it now."

Laura:  "I understand." 

(Said coldly, with absolutely no understanding in tone of voice)

I was coaching Laura how to acknowledge others. As she practiced scenarios that were challenging for her, like the one above, her words were right, but her tone destroyed her acknowledgement. 

Your tone of voice is MUCH more important than your words.  Your tone of voice reflects what you're really thinking and you can't fake it. 

I asked Laura, "You said you understand.  DO you understand?"

Laura laughed and said, "No! I can't understand it!"

I said, "How come?"  Laura said, "I think what they’re saying is a really stupid reason."

I said, "Oh! You’re too busy disagreeing to understand!" 

Laura laughed and said, "Precisely!”

And this is what happens between people.  When they don’t agree, they withdraw their understanding.

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The power of one person listening

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Nothing changes a person faster than the way you listen to them.

One of my students, Carl, has a coworker named Marty. Marty is loud, stubborn, arrogant, and acts like he is the only one who knows the right way to do anything, whether he does or not.  Marty also says, “No” when you ask him for resources, time, help, anything.

Marty has managed to alienate just about everyone. He also talks a lot.  When he starts to talk, people leave.  If there's no escape, they endure Marty’s speeches, but always with a look of pain on their faces. 

No one has managed to get Marty to listen.  Every point they make about an issue triggers a counter-point from Marty that easily turns into an argument if they respond to it.

The problem is that Marty has influence and he can't be ignored.  People like Carl rely on him for resources and cooperation.  Marty's been there a long time, he’s knowledgeable, he’s just utterly unwilling to hear to anyone else's viewpoint. 

As Carl asked me for help, it was obvious to me that Marty was unable to receive ANY incoming communication from others – he rejected all of it.

I also knew that no one was listening to Marty. They already “knew” what he was saying was wrong, so they would shut him out the moment he started talking and not hear him. They didn't realize they were doing the exact same annoying thing to Marty that he was doing to them.

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Pulling a star down from the sky

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“Hi Ingrid,

Just wanted to let you know I’ve been promoted to VP, due in no small part to your coaching. I wanted to thank you. I’m looking forward to great things ahead.

Sincerely, Henry”

I got this email this week. It’s the email I love getting, when my clients reach for the stars in the sky and experience the powerful satisfaction of pulling one down.

I especially smiled big on this one. I remembered how it all started.

 Tom, an SVP, that I’m coaching, told me, “I have someone reporting to me that I want to send to you. I want to promote him to VP but let me tell you what’s happening.  Henry’s been with the company for over 20 years and deserves to be a VP.  He rubbed me the wrong way when I first met him, but then I saw what a good job he does. He’s really good at getting business results.  I talked to the Executive Vice President but he nixed Henry’s promotion to VP because of his communication skills – he spent 20 minutes talking about how terrible they are. Henry has no executive presence, he rubs a lot of people the wrong way, he thinks he knows everything, he’s smug, dismissive, he interrupts, he’s always rolling his eyes when others offer up their ideas.  He shows up for virtual meetings in shorts, tank top and bare feet.  He leans back in his chair when others are talking and looks totally disinterested and even disgusted.  It’s hard enough to become a VP in this company, but Henry really has the deck stacked against him.  I want you to help him if he’s willing.”

The first time I met Henry, he said, “I’m open to trying your coaching, but I gotta warn you - this is not going to be easy. I’ve had coaching before, and I hated it. They keep trying to change me and I’ve got to be me. I don’t know how you’re gonna do it. I am me and I don’t want to be anybody else and I’ve gone through life feeling like if they don’t like it, it’s their problem.” 

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A "thank you" to these rock stars of corporate America

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Executive:

“Regarding that conference in Miami next week, I changed my mind and decided to go after all.  I want to stay in that fabulous hotel everyone talks about.  I know I’m booking that hotel at the last minute and I know the hotel is completely sold out and has been for weeks, but I need you to get me a suite there with a king-sized bed, with an ocean view and make sure it’s far from the elevators and above the seventh floor.”

Executive Assistant (60 minutes later):

“You’re all booked.  Room 1050.  Refrigerator will be stocked with all your favorites. And I let them know you’ll be checking in late and to hold the room no matter what.”

My article today is a tribute to my heroes in the corporate world: Administrative Professionals, also known as Administrative Assistants and, at the higher levels, Executive Assistants.  It’s especially appropriate today, because today is Administrative Professionals Day.

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How to create transformation without having to speak

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“I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate our conversations. It’s an honor to work for you.”

This is what Ann told Patrick after their third conversation. It might seem like a natural thing to say to a very good manager. But let me fill you in on the actual context.

Patrick is a Vice President. Ann was a Senior Director reporting to him and she wasn’t cutting it.  Ann had been promoted prematurely, wasn’t qualified and was falling short on key projects.

Patrick would never have put Ann in her role, would never have promoted her to a senior level. Patrick had inherited Ann from previous VPs and others who continuously promoted Ann, despite the fact that her results were always sketchy at best.  She had never been held accountable.  Now it was Patrick’s problem as he took over as her new VP.

After his initial assessment, Patrick’s three conversations with Ann were intense. The first was when he told her he was demoting her from Senior Director to “Individual Contributor”.

“Individual Contributor” is a nice term that is used to mean no one reports to you.

Patrick told me, “I walked in to our first conversation prepared. I knew it was going to be a tough conversation and I walked in ready for it.”

It would have been very different even one month ago.  Patrick would have confronted Ann with the blunt facts of the situation, very directly, a very “no nonsense” approach, a very “deal with it and let’s move on” kind of attitude.  And Patrick would have gotten a very different reaction and a very different employee.

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The magic of trading in small problems for big problems

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Susan was sent to me by her boss. She is a very competent Senior Director and they want to prepare her to become a Vice President.

The Senior Vice President told me that what is holding Susan back is that, “She doesn’t have enough executive presence and she doesn’t come across like a leader. She is very confident in what she does, but she doesn’t have that leadership quality and that executive presence needed at the senior level.”

It turns out Susan was terrified of communication. Especially with her peers, the other Senior Directors, who intimidated her. Even worse with people higher up. When she faced an upcoming meeting, Susan was stressed solid the whole week leading up to it and did not sleep at all the night before.

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