Leon: “How do you talk to people who don’t want to hear it? When I give them feedback, they immediately get defensive.”
Me: “How do you start the meeting?”
Leon: “I say: I need to give you some feedback.”
Me: “Any other way you start the conversation?”
Leon: “I might say: What we’re doing isn’t working and we need to change. Or I might say: You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect it to work, that’s insanity. Or I might say: “I’ve told you all this 3 times already but nothing’s happened.”
Leon: Sigh. “I’m just so frustrated. They’re just not open to anything.”
I know very, very, very few people you could walk up to and say any of these things to who would happily listen to you. If you want to test how to make someone immediately defensive, just try walking up to someone and saying, “Is it okay if I give you some feedback?”
Or if you’re really feeling adventurous, you could see what happens when you say, “You know, you really need to change.”
The only other way I know to make them even more defensive is to say, “I don’t want you to get defensive when I tell you this …” That’s guaranteed to create an instantly defensive reaction from even the nicest person.
On the other hand, it’s pretty easy to initiate challenging meetings and difficult conversations and get them rapidly rolling in a positive direction when you understand that the most powerful human motivating force is purpose.