Disarming hostility with words

One afternoon I received a call from the City of Berkeley, a charming little city right next door to the one where I work. The person calling asked, “Would you like to give back to the community?”  I said I would love to.

He told me that there was a group of teenagers who were in an “alternative program”.  They needed to learn communication skills and would I teach them for free?  I said, “Sure.”

Then he told me they had all been charged with violent crimes with weapons and were now in a program that was an alternative to prison to help them learn how to deal with life so they wouldn’t resort to more violence.

The City felt communication skills should be a big part of what they needed to learn.  I said, “Absolutely”, I was happy to help.  I donated a series of Saturday mornings.

On the first Saturday morning, I arrived at the office and they were outside waiting for me. 17 large, much larger than me, and sullen.  Eyes filled with resentful distrust. They filed inside the training room and sat down, refusing to make eye contact, looking around the walls, at the floor and out the window. Acting like they couldn’t hear me.

It was easy to see none of them wanted to be there. I quickly figured out they must have been told, “You can do this program or you can go to jail.  And you have to do this communication training as part of the program.”  I started to laugh because I was suddenly struck by the thought, “Well, given the choice, I really am better than jail.”

They weren’t in prison, but they had the sullen faces and defiant eyes of prisoners.  And now they were my prisoners.

I wasn’t in a rush.  My eyes took them all in.  They were from a part of Berkeley I had never seen.  They weren’t from the tree-lined neighborhoods, nor were they from 4th Street where so many charming shops are.  No, they lived in a world I had never encountered.  A world I knew nothing about.

How do you cross from one world into another?

I said, “Communication is about how people exchange ideas.  There’s nothing more powerful than an idea, your idea.  But only if it’s effectively communicated.” 

“I’m going to teach a communications course now. People tell me it’s pretty good. That does not mean that you’re going to like it.”

“I only teach people who want to learn. It’s perfectly okay with me if you don’t. If you’re not interested, feel free to take off.  Or you can check out the rest of the office or hang out outside.   Out back there’s a large deck and a grapefruit tree with a lot of grapefruit on it. The grapefruit are really good if you like grapefruit. Feel free to take some grapefruit with you when you go.”

“I only want the people to stay in the room who really want to learn about communication. The rest of you should feel free to leave or wander around.”

I honestly thought they would all get up and go.  About half the class left.  I went around the room with the ones who stayed and found out what each had done to get them into the program. Pretty scary stuff.  

I began to understand their world.  And I understood them.  Then I started to teach them.  In their language, for their world.  And I began to teach them my language.  And a new world.

It went well.

The next Saturday, the whole class was back. Turns out the ones who stayed told the others they had to come back, “and learn this stuff”. It was funny because there was one girl who literally dragged this really huge guy into the room by the ear, sat him down in the chair and sternly poked her finger at him and told him to pay attention saying, “You need this!” She kept him in line.

It was funny, they actually kept each other in line. When one of them started to act up, the others would get on them and tell them to pay attention.

Anyone who’s had coaching with me knows my students do a series of challenging drills or exercises that demand tremendous communication competence.

I put these kids through the toughest of drills.  Their communication skills needed to match up to the world they lived in, a world that cut them down every chance it got.  I demanded more, got more and only passed them on a drill when their ability was stable and would hold up to and penetrate the fierce violence they faced every night.  It was a lot of practice.  Scenario after scenario.

In this way, they developed some heavy-duty communication skills, one skill at a time, with me challenging, challenging, challenging.  We did this until they could get their ideas across and make themselves understood.  Until they could understand others.  Until they could confront and disarm hostility with communication alone.

As we went on, they treated me with more respect than I usually get from a typical corporate audience. When you earn their respect, it’s powerful.  They treated me like a queen.  They really made me feel special.

Then, the funniest thing happened. The class would be over around 12 PM and I would go to my desk to work on my weekly admin.  And they would hang around, cleaning the place. They would straighten chairs, empty trash, pick grapefruit up from the ground and put it into bowls (laughing here – turns out they hated grapefruit and never took any home after the first time they tried it).  They put order back into the place.

They liked the space.  They took care of it.  They hung out and would occasionally wander into my office to talk to me.  They asked a lot of questions.

We soon finished the series of training sessions and came upon their graduation. They were walking out as people who could handle the world around them, their world, with communication, as skilled communicators. There was a feeling between us that’s impossible to put into words.  Respect, admiration, love.  And, most important, hope.  There was hope in their eyes.  I wished them well.  We were all a little sad.

Then, a couple of weeks later, to my surprise, they started showing up again.  I would be working in my office and they would come around. They would clean up around the place, straighten things up, pick grapefruit.  Sometimes they would wander over to tell me something.  Sometimes they would just hang out.  I loved listening to them chatting, talking, good naturedly teasing each other, laughing.  Their voices created a music that only the voice of friendship creates. It was a completely different tone than the first time.  They were doing well.

As far as I know, none of them ever got into trouble again.  My purpose was to help them live out what C.S. Lewis meant when he wrote:  Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. 

I know that the ability to communicate gives people that chance.

Our two worlds could not have been more different. The first time we looked into each other’s eyes, we were looking into very strange territory for each of us.

What united us was a hard-won understanding.

Only understanding enables us to cross into another’s world, and for them to cross over into ours.  And only communication enables us to build that bridge to cross.

Once we crossed over, we found ways to help each other.  It’s help that seals the deal in any relationship.  It’s help that builds our strongest relationships.

I helped them.  They helped me.

Understanding and then help.

I started this series with an article about How to Melt Resistance.  It’s clear that understanding is the key.  It’s always the key.  And it’s communication that makes that key turn in the lock.

You can fight.  Or you can communicate.

You can fight.  Or you can help.

They taught me as much as I taught them.  They understood me as much as I understood them.  They helped me as much as I helped them.

I don’t know if I gave back to my community. 

I do know that we became community.  A beautiful one.

Communication, understanding and help.

Be the cause!

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Mastering the outcome before the outcome

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been writing a series about what real listening and acknowledgements are all about.  The emails I’m getting from readers as they put these ideas into action are nothing short of celebrations.

 I’m also still getting emails from people who think the reason I recommend this approach is because it “works”.  Well, it does “work”. But I want to give new definition to what “works” means.

“Works” to most people means getting the outcome they want.  

My definition of “works” is simple.  “Works” means I’ve reached a tremendous understanding between me and the other person.

Yes, I am outcome-driven and others are never misled or unclear about the outcome I want. 

But what I MOST want from a conversation or meeting is a real depth of understanding to flow between us. 

I simply believe in and value the magic of understanding.  It’s what drives me.  When that happens, the outcome takes on a life of its own and it’s always good.

But my definition of understanding is frequently much deeper than most people’s.

I’ve heard others say, “We understand each other, we just don’t agree.”  But I can tell from their tone that they’re missing that great feeling REAL understanding brings.  They haven’t gotten the other person to fully understand them and they don’t understand the other person sufficiently to feel REALLY good. Real understanding results in feeling REALLY good.  You can check your own feelings to see how good you feel.

Agreement is a byproduct of incredible understanding. The outcome you achieve is also a byproduct of understanding.  When you know this, you can focus on making happen what’s really important.

And then you can create profoundly excellent, beautiful communication between you and the other person that results in real understanding.

That is such a beautiful outcome in its own right.  The outcome before the outcome.

Yes, it’s true that when you have another person thus engaged, you can persuade them.  Their minds are open.  And so is yours.  And so, good outcomes happen.

When you step back and study the natural laws that apply to all human beings, to all humanity, it becomes clear that what really creates agreement is the depth of understanding you create.

I see often how people distract others from really understanding them.   They’re filled with anxiety, they’re tense, uncomfortable.  They overwhelm others with details.  They’re demanding, forceful, their affinity is too low.  They’re not clear.  They’re not listening so no one listens to them.  They’re not acknowledging others’ point of view and so others get resentful.

I don’t have room in one article to list all the mistakes people make.  They are TRYING to be understood.  They are TRYING to understand.  But unknowingly they put barriers in their own path and then don’t know how to overcome them.

They stop SHORT of achieving the depth of understanding I’m talking about.  And then they’re unhappy about the “outcome”.

When you really learn how to express yourself, and how to respond extremely well to what others say, they relax and begin to understand you, they become open.  It looks like a miracle.  It is.

This week try this:  Pick a conversation.  Go for a deeper level of understanding.  Make THAT your “outcome”.  Wait for the magic.

Tell me about it.

Next week I’m going to tell you a story of something people said “couldn’t be done.”  And it was.  Way better than expected.  With understanding. 

Be the cause!

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The two most powerful words in any language

Fred burst in like a tornado 15 minutes late for the workshop, disrupting the flow.

“Sorry I had to be late,” he said.  His voice carried no tone of apology.

Then he went on to explain that “they” were mandating that he take this workshop. But as an SVP with great experience, he’d already taken thousands of workshops “just like this one” and didn’t feel like it was “a good use” of his time.

Then he sat back and waited for my reaction.

I simply said, “I understand.”

His eyes searched my face.  But all they found was understanding.  Why?  

Because I understood.

He looked at me disbelievingly, waiting for more.  Waiting for argument. Waiting for disagreement. Waiting for me to defend what I was doing.  Waiting for me to “sell” him on the benefits of the workshop. 

I simply said, “Let me tell you what we’re working on.  I’m coaching each person individually.  You can observe to start and then decide if you’d like me to coach you.   You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, feel free to multi-task or take off whenever you want.”

Then I went back to where we had been, working with the other VPs and SVPs in the workshop.

I coached each one and then it was his turn.

I asked him, “Is there anything you’re interested in learning?”

By this time, he’d seen some miracles with the others and he said, “Yes, whatever you think it is I need to learn.”

So I told him what abilities he needed to develop and started to coach him as he practiced.

He completely changed.  He turned into the nicest guy.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had anyone more attentive or studious.  He worked hard, even harder than the others.  He was respectful towards me.  Almost like it was sacred.  He did well.

At the end of the workshop he asked me, “So what’s next? What’s our next step?”

I said, “We’re done for this workshop, that’s all they’ve scheduled.  If you’d like additional coaching, just let me know.”  And he said he did want more.

It was a beautiful rapport between us.

Do you see the trap I didn’t fall into?

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been publishing a series of articles . Articles about having conversations with people who are defensive, stubborn, not open to your ideas. (Read series from the beginning - The secret to melting resistance...)

We’ve been focusing on listening, something that’s often done poorly. There’s a lot of pretend listening and pretend understanding going on that would never produce the result REAL listening and understanding create.

I’ve been talking about the importance of suspending your own point of view while you listen and creating the outcome of really pure listening: you fully understand life from the other person’s point of view. 

Just as when you’re talking, you want them to fully understand life from your point of view.

Understanding is magic.

The word understand comes from an old English word understandan which literally means stand in the midst of.

This means that, for a moment, you are standing in the midst of their reality. Their reality SURROUNDS you.  Imagine that for a moment.

It’s not shallow.  It’s not superficial.  It’s not quick so you can get to your point.

It’s immersive.  It saturates your being.  It’s deep.  It penetrates your awareness. 

Once you do that, and your understanding is complete, and BEFORE you shift over to your own point of view, to expressing your ideas, it’s important to let them know you understand.

The two most powerful words in any language, when they are genuinely, sincerely spoken, are, “I understand.”

HOWEVER, they’re only powerful if they’re true.

They’re said many times a day with no understanding, no affinity, and this is reflected immediately, instantly in an inevitably and unmistakably dismissive tone of voice.

The other person can tell by your tone of voice exactly how much you understand them. And no number of words can convince them otherwise.

When someone’s talking to you, what they really want, more than anything in the world, is for you to receive their communication.  And what they long for is for you to understand it.  To stand in the midst of it with your whole being. 

The trap I did not step into with Fred was this:

After he said what he said at the start, I simply moved forward in the conversation toward my goal without making him wrong, without pushing back, without making myself “right” or making the workshop “right”.

I skipped it.  

I listened. I understood.

I really do understand. I’ve been imprisoned in many classes I didn’t want to take, in high school and many in college. It was painful.  Believe me, if there’s one person who understands the agony of sitting through a class you don’t want to take, it is me.  I felt for him.  I knew how awful it felt for him to be there.

So when I said, “I understand,” it was true.

And when he searched for some sinister element in my response to him, there was nothing there but pure understanding. I simply understood. I didn’t feel a need to prove it. Because my understanding was real and true, I knew he would see it.  When it’s real, you don’t worry about “projecting” it.

It was simple.

I understood him.  I let him know I understood him.  I invited him to observe.  Free to make up or change his mind.  Then I just moved on.  Forward.    

Because I didn’t step into the trap, he didn’t either.

That left him free to observe.  When people are truly free to observe, without being told what to think or see, they observe for themselves and you don’t have to “convince” them. 

When you let go of the lies we’ve been told about “what people are like”, when you master the ability to create REAL communication, when you fully grasp the power of REAL understanding, when you have the ability to receive their ideas and the ability to reach other human beings with your ideas, magic will happen.  It will surprise you.

Go for it.  Try it out. Let me know your success stories.  I love reading them. 

Be the cause!

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The results from the listening experiment

In last week’s article I suggested an experiment.  The experiment was to choose a conversation and listen in a way that is very, very uncommon.  To fully tune in. To forget about time.  To stop all thinking and just listen.  To listen with 100% of you.  For no other reason except to really hear them.

It was an experiment because it suspended any anticipation of what the results would be. The results would simply be what they were.

Well, I’m glad I asked you to do it.  My inbox has been a pleasure to open and to read about the results people all over the world wrote me.

They wrote they were surprised.

Surprised by the dramatic change of heart in the other person.

Surprised by the sudden and beautiful closeness they felt with the other person.

Surprised by the evolution of an extremely positive outcome, way more positive than they ever expected or hoped. 

Surprised by the other person’s overwhelming willingness and generosity.

Surprised by the incredible harmony between them.

Surprised by how fast it happened.

Surprised by how effortless it felt.  How natural.

It was a joy to read about all of the responses.  Each one unique and amazing.  Beautiful.

Keep in mind, and this is very important, none of these wonderful outcomes were WHY they did it.

They had no idea what to expect.  They weren’t anticipating anything.  They listened for one reason only – to hear the other person.  To feel they were really, truly communicating fully and well.  To create REAL communication.

Real communication is magic. 

The good news is that this magic has a recipe…a formula that you can use wherever you go. (This ”listening” phase of the Formula we’ve been focusing on is extraordinarily powerful.)

The Communication Formula is what we teach here.

Once you master the Communication Formula, it will never let you down. 

Trust the process.  Then let the magic of the moment simply sweep you away.

Next week I’ll talk about what to do next.

Be the cause!

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The only reason to listen to someone

I was staggered by the intensity and number of fiery responses that last week’s article provoked.  The article was about “using” listening as a “technique to get the outcome you want”.

The question I asked was, is it possible that when this is done, the relationship is damaged in some subtle but essential way?

I experienced two striking observations as I read all the responses.

The first is that absolutely no one likes to have this (the other person “using” listening to get to what they want) done to them.  No surprise if you think about it.

The second observation was this. The most impassioned responses were from people who are negotiating high-stakes outcomes. The ones who stand an extreme chance of winning or losing, whether in their professional or personal lives.

They recognized themselves in my article. They wrote that the article hit them in the head like a ton of bricks.

I admire these people. They’re focused. 

They hit on something fundamental, the reason many people stop listening. And that is this:   People stop listening because it feels like listening is moving you further and further away from the outcome you want.

Quite understandable.

And in these important situations, all you have to do is add the element of compressed time, and you drive quality listening out the door faster than you can chase out the speed of light.

The recipe for a listening disaster is when you have an outcome you MUST have, the other person disagrees, they’re not listening to you, they’re talking a lot about things you don’t want to hear … and you don’t have time. 

Now listen.

Few people can.

And why would you listen in that situation? It looks POINTLESS. 

You can easily see why people turn listening into a technique.  NOT listening doesn’t work (we find that out the hard way) and we feel we desperately need a technique in that moment to help us out.

I don’t use the word desperately lightly. What happens is people start feeling like they’re losing control. This makes them desperate.  And when they’re feeling like they’re losing control, they struggle to regain it with techniques and unusual solutions. Too many to list.

Here’s how it goes down.  As you listen it feels like the other person is controlling the conversation.  You’re losing more and more control. It feels horrible. You don’t want to let them control the conversation anymore.  It looks like suicide to listen because they’re driving toward a different outcome. You don’t want them to have any control at all. You get desperate to control it.

A person thinks, I need a technique that’ll get me back in control and get them to listen to me so I can get the outcome I want.

And then it’s a short step to, I’ll pretend to listen to them.

I understand how that feels. We all do.

The thing is, I deal in transformation, REAL transformation. And there’s a world of difference between techniques and natural laws.

I’ll write more about natural laws one day. They help you understand human beings, all human beings.  And they always work.  They’re much more grounded than techniques.  They’re filled with truth.

Today, we’ll touch on just one of these natural laws. Let’s examine the reason for high quality listening. The REAL reason, the only workable reason for humanity.

What does high quality listening mean?  ALL thinking gets in the way of listening. When you’re listening, really listening, you’re not thinking about your outcome. You’re not thinking about anything.

During REAL listening, you’re focusing 100% on totally understanding the other person. In three dimensions, seeing the world through THEIR eyes, their perceptions and their emotions, understanding them as richly and as fully as you can. It’s a FULL-TIME job for you to LISTEN while they’re speaking. There’s no room for thinking.  No room for anticipating.  It’s very in the moment.

The way it works, the way it’s SUPPOSED to work, is that during this time, the other person is 100% in control of the ideas on the table. You are simply receiving and understanding them as deeply as you can. That’s listening.  You’re letting them control it.  While they are speaking, you’re giving them full control. They control time.

The SKILL of listening is knowing this and granting them control while they’re talking.  You’ll get your turn.  But it’s their turn now.  If you’re never willing to give them 100% of this control, you’ll never really listen, you’ll never really hear.

I know, I know.  Give up ANY control?  That’s HARD!

So, why do it?

People who wrote me do it because:

• Then they’ll listen to you.

• It’s the only road to creating the outcome you want.

• It’s the only chance you have.

All of those may be true. But having these as your reasons perverts real listening.

There’s only one reason to listen to someone.

Listen because listening is sacred.

I don’t mean that in a religious sense.

Listening is a ritual that’s older than any civilization we have.  A ritual is a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.

Sacred means never to be broken, infringed, or dishonored.

Listening is a sacred ritual between human beings.  Recognized as such by every culture, all the way from primitive to civilized. 

Listening is sacred to humanity. 

No other reason. 

All cultures recognize this.  All humanity.

And when listening is held sacred by you, not because I say so, but because it’s a natural law of humanity, when listening is sacred to you, an amazing magic happens.  To you.  To them.  And I’m not talking about your “outcome”.  I’m talking about a magic between you and that other person that words could never express, a magic in that moment that transcends the “normal” human experience.  Communication starts to really work and real communication is magic.

Yes, it’s true. When the other person sees that you are treating their communications as sacred, they start treating yours as sacred also. Yes, that happens.  And it’s true you get a much better outcome.  Yes, it even opens the path to an outcome that turns out to be magical.

But don’t do it for that reason.  Those reasons change you in ways that aren’t really you.

Just do it because listening is sacred. That was decided long, long ago.

One amazing woman wrote me this after doing this with her daughter.  She wrote: 

“After listening to her, I found it impossibly easy to acknowledge her communication. I think my magical ingredient was 'interest'. I was genuinely interested in what she was saying. I also found it very easy to understand what she was saying. This occurred several times during our call. Each time I acknowledged her, she relaxed. I could feel it. I was happy that she felt understood. That was all that mattered. It was bliss.  Overcoming that reactive inclination to defend was bliss.”

Here’s an experiment for this week: 

Choose one of your conversations. When the other person is talking, forget about time.  Stop thinking.  Listen.  Listen with 100% of you.  For no other reason except to really hear them.

Let me know what happens.  I love getting your emails.

Next week I’ll write about what happens next.

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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How did this dark imposter get here?

I received such powerful responses to last week’s article, it became clear to me it’s time to take the next step on our journey into listening.

People wrote me they had tears streaming down their face. One person wrote that they made a decision “beginning right now and in this moment, to begin really listening again.” And what was most powerful, she wrote, “I think that will help me to feel more alive again.”  Wow.  I’m sure it will.  In very profound ways.  I look forward to hearing.

I had many people write.  I read them all.  So beautiful.  Voices raised in humanity.

There was one thing, however, that stopped me in my tracks, and this is what I want to take up this week, something that many, many people wrote.

Many good people. Very good people.

Good people who don’t realize they have been led into a trap of false ideas camouflaged as instructive.

Many people wrote something along the lines of, “Listening is the best way to achieve your outcome.  It’s a great formula for getting the other person to change their mind.  It really works.”

This is a problem that we are going to solve. But first, can you see what’s wrong with that statement above?

On the surface it sounds effective.  Practical.  Something you could “use”. Right? 

But let’s dig deeper. Let’s examine the core of it.

Imagine this: 

Think of something that’s really important to you right now, really important.  Something you really want. Now imagine that I want something very different from what you want.  Imagine you need me to say, “Yes.”  You really need me to understand and say, “Yes”.  Really get that feeling for a moment.  We’ve all felt this.

Now imagine you’re earnestly and sincerely telling me about it and I’m listening to you. Imagine that I look really interested.

Now Imagine that you suddenly realize the reason I’m listening to you is BECAUSE I want you to think I understand so that I can then get you to listen to me and change your mind.  I’m listening to you only so I can get you to change your mind to the outcome I want.  I don’t really want to listen to you but I am making myself listen to you because I don’t see any other way to get you to the outcome I want.  That’s why I am listening to you.  That’s why I look interested. I’m using listening to get to you.

Can you see what’s wrong with that? Have you ever experienced it?  How did you feel?  Can you imagine how this type of listening might damage the relationship in some very subtle but ultimately essential ways?

Where did we ever learn to listen this way?  Where did we ever learn the lesson that listening is something you use?

Tell me what you think. And next week, I’ll write about how to free yourself from the trap.

The Art of Listening can be given a “dark” side. And if you want to enjoy the fullest effects of Causative Communication done right, it’s important you never go there.

More next week!

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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My 24-word recipe for creating the magical outcome with Tom

Last week, I posed a question about an outcome I created with an executive, Tom. He was a gruff character who was sabotaging a project that needed to move forward.   If you like happy endings, this one’s for you.

The outcome we achieved looked like pure magic.  I received many answers to my question asking for your theories on “how I did it” – it was a joy to read them all. 

(If you missed last week’s article, you can read it here for context.)

The answer to what I did is listen.  That’s how I did it.  But I did it a little differently than you would think.

Many people wrote the answer is also “acknowledging”.  True that, but if you don’t listen well, the acknowledgement is hollow and ineffective.  The acknowledgement gets all its power from the listening.

This is one of the most misunderstood words in any language.

To most people, listening means, “Stop talking and wait for you to finish.”  I know this is true because while “listening” they have the same look on their faces that waiting produces in people standing in a long supermarket line.  It’s a mildly annoyed, “I hate waiting but there’s no way around it” look.

The problem is that no one likes you to look at them like that. 

The problem is that listening has nothing (and I truly mean nothing) to do with waiting.

To other people, listening means, “I’m not so interested but I’ll pretend.”

The problem is that pretended interest, pretended listening, pretended anything … well, it’s no foundation for a good conversation, a good relationship, nor good outcomes. 

Even worse, the other person always knows you’re doing it.

To other people, listening means, “Okay, I am forced to let you talk, and forced to understand you because it’s the only way I’m going to get to my outcome, so I’m going to listen for anything you say that I could possibly use to help me achieve the result I want.”

The problem is that the other person knows you’re doing that too.

The problem is that people fixate on the outcome they want at that moment. 

One person wrote, “I have to stay focused on the outcome I want while I listen.  If I take my focus off the outcome I want, I won’t get it.”

If you have children you’ve seen something like this: 

That moment when you’re explaining to your 10-year old why they can’t ____________ (have ice cream, get that new gadget, play with a friend, fill in the blank).  And they really, really want it.  That moment you’re telling them and they are focused on the outcome they want.  How well are they listening?  How much are they hearing?  WHAT are they hearing?

If you have children, you’ve experienced this moment and know what I’m talking about.  You might be laughing reading this because you’ve seen it more than once. 

If you don’t have children, you’ve experienced this moment in some other setting where the other person isn’t getting the “outcome” they want.

How can you listen when your attention is fixated on the outcome you want?  The answer is:  you can’t.

Your attention must be free enough that you can fully give all of it to the other person and be feeling genuine interest in what they’re saying.

One person wrote me this week, “Most people don’t have your patience.” 

Let me explain patience.  If you look this word up in a good dictionary it means: to suffer pain, delay, trouble, difficulty or being provoked without complaining or displaying discontent or displeasure.

The word patience originally meant to endure.

Listening has nothing to do with suffering or enduring.  Or suppressing your displeasure.

Yet many people do feel they are suffering when they have to listen to things they disagree with.  (Aren’t you glad I’m not bringing up politics in this discussion? Such a great example. :) )

Real listening has nothing to do with your outcome, or even your point of view.  You have to set that aside during this phase of the communication process.

Real listening has no agenda. 

Real listening has a very pure intent:  to understand.

It’s amazing the magic created by the purity of this intent.

I’m talking about listening for the sake of understanding.  Interest for the sake of knowing.  I’m talking about understanding what this other living being is trying to communicate.  I’m talking about something pure.

So let’s go back to my story from last week:

Here’s what I did.  I decided to be there for Tom.  At that moment I didn’t care what happened, I put my own outcome completely aside. 

We walked into the room and I made sure we both were comfortable.  I asked, “Tell me your thoughts about this project.  Is it creating a real hassle for you?”

I gave him 100% of myself. 

My intent was effortless and pure.  I simply felt this: “I have no agenda.  I am here for you.  Like no one has ever been here for you in your life.  Take all the time you need.  I want to hear everything.” 

Tom studied my face.  I could see him searching for my motive.  I stayed peacefully quiet.  Ready to receive. 

To me listening is sacred.  It just is.  I think he could see that, could feel it, because it was true.

He started to talk.  A trickle turned into a flood.  All of his frustrations poured out.  I was simply there to receive it all and to understand this human being.

I could see the moments in his eyes and face when he gradually went from thinking I was dangerous to realizing I was safe.  The safer he felt to say anything to me, the more he said.

He went deeper and deeper, under the layers, told me more and more.

When he finished, I gently asked, “Is there anything else I should know?” There were about 3 times I asked that.  There was more each time.

When he was ALL finished he was completely relaxed, looking at me with affinity, he looked amazing.  He really had told me everything.  He looked peaceful.

That’s when I said, “I really understand.”  And he knew it was true. 

We were both quiet.

I let this beautiful silence sit between us, both of us enjoying the moment.  It went on, deepening with each moment of silence.

I let him control it.

His face was gentle.  His eyes warm.  We had a bond.

It was enough for me.  I’ve created many “outcomes” in my life.  I’m good at creating outcomes.  What I care about now in my life is this magic.  It’s enough for me.  I don’t care where it goes.  I trust it.  It always goes someplace good. 

So there we sat in silence.  Looking at each other.  Looking away.  Looking back.  A gentle space.  Highly unusual moment for a corporate setting.

After a couple minutes I could see Tom was starting to think about something.  He was looking out the window.  Thoughts were forming.  He got this look on his face that people get when they’re getting an idea.

Then Tom said, “I think your project could do some good if it was organized right ….” It’s like he suddenly “heard” what everyone had been trying to tell him for weeks for the first time. 

And he started to create the project on his own. 

He stood up.  I sat back, relaxed and watched him white-board a plan for the project.  A brilliant plan.  I answered a few questions, but he did it all.

Later, everyone complimented me on being “persuasive.”  They wanted to know, “What did you say to turn Tom around?”

We were in there for 2 hours.  The only words (about 24 of them) I said over the whole time we were in there were:

“Tell me your thoughts about this project.  Is it creating a real hassle for you?”

“Is there anything else I should know?”

“I understand.”

It wasn’t what I said. 

It was how I was being:  Interested. 

It’s what I was doing:  Receiving. 

It’s what he was feeling:  Understood.

It was being able to do that in its absolute purity.

It looked like magic.

One of my clients wrote, “Sounds so simple.  But it really is an art.”

It looks like an art. And you look like an artist when you do it. What it actually is, is a decision.  It demonstrates the pure power of decision.  Your decision.

It’s also an ability.  I worked hard to develop this ability.  And I love to teach it to others.

Who needs outcomes when you have magic?

Next week, I’ll wrap up this little series of articles with more about the magic of acknowledgements.

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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"The Showdown" aka how to deal with a project saboteur

I was brought in to a large manufacturing organization to implement a major performance improvement program (100% Proficiency®, click here for more information).  Mike, the senior executive who brought me in, assigned a team to work with me on implementation and he put Tom, a strong-willed engineering manager, in charge of the team.

Tom did everything he could to delay and sabotage the program.  

On the surface, Tom was polite to me. But I could feel his dislike…for me and the project.  He avoided eye contact.  He answered questions with cruelly short answers.  He did nothing without being prodded.  He assigned team members other responsibilities so they didn’t have time to work on this one.  He blew past every deadline and didn’t seem to care.  He answered everything with, “We’re working on it.  Doing the best we can.”

Everyone on the team knew what was going on, but they were intimidated by Tom and stayed quiet, waiting to see how it played out.

I went back to Mike and said, “We need to replace Tom with someone who really wants to do this. The program will fail with him in charge.”

George said, “I don’t have anyone else.  It’s Tom or no one.”

I found Tom and asked if he had a moment to talk. He wasn’t happy about it, but said, “Okay.” We walked into a conference room and closed the door.

Everyone watched us go in.  I found out later they called it, “The Showdown.”  Their money was on Tom.

Two hours later the door opened and Tom went straight to Mike’s office.  Mike expected the worst when Tom burst in, but Tom was smiling and enthusiastic. Energized. He told Mike all the great benefits they’d see from the program and showed him the implementation strategy he’d worked out during our meeting, a rather brilliant plan only he could have devised for how to use their small pool of resources to make this major project work with their current unforgiving production demands.

Then Tom assembled the team, briefed them on the plan and white-board organized them to achieve a very aggressive timeline for implementation.  He told them their success metrics, told them to get it done and that he was there if they ran into problems.  Everyone was surprised but smiling.

Mike heard about the extraordinary team meeting, called me into his office and told me that I had “very powerful persuasion skills.” Mike said, “Whatever you told him, it really worked.”

The team pulled me aside and wanted to know what I said to create this turn-around. They thought I’d spoken some “magic words” that cast a spell over Tom.

I want you to stop and think about this.

Most of the world thinks it’s what I said.

It wasn’t.

Can you see that if I said anything, Tom wasn’t having any of it?

I’m sure you can imagine Tom as you’re reading this.  Are you imagining someone who’s interested in anything I have to say?  No. No. No.

Most people, when faced with a situation like this, think they have to come up with “magic words”.

My clients have recently asked me for things like “stealth persuasion” and “techniques for releasing hormones in the other person’s brain” that will make them “accept” their ideas. I kid you not - I’ve had requests for both of these in the last two weeks.

So what went on in that room for two hours?

That’s a real question.  What creates this kind of immediate turn-around?  Email me your answer.  Take this as an opportunity to exercise your mind.

Next week I will tell you what I did. 

No doubt about it.  What I did was absolute magic.

Tell me what you think I did that created this magic.

And then I’ll show you how you can do it for yourself.

Be the cause!

(Start from the beginning of the series - The secret to melting resistance...)

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