Many people come to us for training and coaching because they want to create a personal transformation. What surprises, and blows them away, is when they find they’re also creating a beautiful transformation in the other person, whether it’s one person or thousands. That’s where the true power is.
This is Michael’s story, which started when he said:
“I am so frustrated! My new boss won’t listen and keeps overriding me. If this keeps up, I’m going to quit.”
Michael was one of the students on the Beyond Persuasion: The new route to extraordinary outcomes course. He chose this “unsolvable problem” to work on as part of the course.
I told Michael, “We’re going to make a list. What are the things your new boss really needs to understand for him to stop making bad decisions? Start by telling me something about you, or about what you’re trying to tell him, that he doesn’t understand.”
Michael said, “He doesn’t understand that I and the team have been here a long time, and he’s brand new and he needs to really understand what we’re doing before he starts to change everything. He doesn’t understand that we really know what we’re doing.”
I asked, “What doesn’t he understand as a result of that?”
Michael: “That this process has been working for a really long time and we shouldn’t change it.”
Me: “Got it. What does he not understand about the bad effects changing the process will cause?”
Michael: “He doesn’t understand that it’s going to tie people up in useless work. He doesn’t understand the effect it’s going to have downstream on everyone who expects us to do it the way we’ve been doing it. He doesn’t realize they’re going to be frustrated.”
Me: “What else doesn’t he understand?” I got them all. We organized them into categories and sub-categories. Around 15 of them were critical.
Stepping back and seeing the multitude of “He doesn’t understand this” factors on the list, Michael experienced a moment of incredible clarity. He suddenly realized that he was trying to get the boss to understand too many things at once. And he was doing it in a way which clearly irritated his boss.
The exercises in Beyond Persuasion helped Michael work out how to enlighten his boss to a point where he saw the situation clearly and could add real value as a leader.
But how to get the ball rolling? How to get the boss to want to listen to Michael so he could implement his plan? The boss had gotten so irritated with him, he was now in the habit of brushing Michael aside, dismissing him without listening. Michael’s initial approach was going to be critical.
I asked Michael, “What is your boss trying to do?”
While it was obvious to Michael that his new boss was rushing to change everything without really understanding the department he’d taken over, as he looked at why he was doing that, Michael began to realize the boss was doing this because he wanted to create immediate value for the organization. Michael had been too busy thinking his boss was “stupid” and “trying to make a name for himself” to recognize these actions for what they actually were – a desire to help.
In that moment, Michael saw his boss in a new light. He looked at me and said, “What he’s trying to do makes sense. And it’s good, it’s what we need. But he’s going about it the wrong way.”
The first thing Michael did was go in to his boss and say, “I totally get what you’re trying to do and it is exactly what we need.” Michael then talked about why what his boss was trying to do was valuable. And he kept talking about just this one thing for about 5 minutes.
The boss found this fascinating. Michael saw him completely relax as he felt more and more that Michael was finally understanding him. This also made him see that Michael was on his side, and he was smiling, and nodding, suddenly seeing a new side of Michael. A rapport grew between them in a matter of minutes. Michael kept building that rapport stronger and stronger, and there was a genuine good feeling between them before Michael moved forward. He waited until he could see they were in a good place and it felt complete. There was trust.
Michael shifted gears with a good reason for his boss to hear his ideas. He said, “There are number of things about the department that I think, if you fully understand them, will help us help you achieve your goals a lot faster.”
For the first time, the boss was all ears. And Michael could begin.
Michael started down the list of things the boss needed to understand. He was about 20% into it when the boss interrupted and said, “This is really valuable! I think I need to change direction and…”
And he pivoted in the direction Michael had all along been trying to tell him was best. Michael had created enough understanding that the shift happened naturally. The boss now owned it, which is what happens – but only when real understanding is created.
Success accelerated after that.
The new boss’s decisions became truly helpful, real alignment enabled them to become not just a good team, but a high performing team with a great leader, incredible morale, celebrating their successes like only a high performing team knows how.
Michael said, “I feel like I have a superpower!”
Michael didn’t persuade his boss. He didn’t overpower him with logic or force agreement. He created understanding.
And when real understanding is created, people change their own minds. They make better decisions. They take ownership. Alignment follows naturally.
This is why people come to us thinking they want to change themselves — and leave realizing the real power lies in changing what happens in the other person.
Michael wasn’t given a script. He learned how to create understanding.
And that’s a superpower.
Be the cause!