“She gets very defensive every time I talk to her.”
Vincent was describing Vickie, the Executive Vice President who had just cast the deciding vote to veto Vincent’s promotion to Vice President.
Vincent was complaining about how difficult Vickie was with him. She always disagreed with everything he said. And now he was trying to get her to agree to promote him to VP. Even though his boss, the Senior Vice President, was fighting to make it happen, Vickie wouldn’t budge. It was hopeless.
From his perspective, the problem was …. Vickie.
There was truth in that. Vickie did get defensive with Vincent. He visibly irritated her.
But Vincent had identified the wrong root cause of the problem, the wrong reason why Vickie reacted this way to him. As you know, if you have the wrong root cause, you’ll get nowhere.
What was Vincent not seeing?
Most people have no idea what they look like in the middle of a difficult conversation. That’s why I take A LOT of screen shots and record A LOT of videos during my coaching - to show people what they look like so they can SEE it for themselves. It opens their eyes.
I role-played the conversation with Vickie and took a picture of Vincent listening as I disagreed with something he said. The look in his eyes, and on his face, said LOUD and CLEAR, “You are really stupid. I can’t believe I have to listen to this.”
I showed Vincent many pictures of his face in multiple positions during this conversation.
Vincent exclaimed, “O my God! I look like I want to kill her.”
No wonder she gets defensive around him. How would you get if you were talking to someone who looked at you like they’re totally disgusted by you? I doubt it would make you cheerful!
Here’s the thing that most people don’t realize: You can make someone defensive without saying a word, just by how you look at them while you listen.
You’re not even saying anything! So, when you see the other person getting defensive, you probably feel like, “Why would you get defensive? I’m not doing anything. I’m just ‘listening’ to you.”
You may think you’re not doing anything. And yet, in Vincent’s case, he was destroying one of the most powerful, sacred and precious elements of effective communications and good relationships.
He’s not alone.
Another client I coached got a very non-genuine look on her face while pretending to listen. The look on her face conveyed the message, “I am so NOT interested in what you’re saying, I’m just waiting for you to stop so I can say something, but I’ll pretend I’m super interested so you don’t get mad.”
Another client, when he had to listen to people he disagreed with, started drinking his coffee and looking into his cup with a look of, “I hope this is over soon.”
Another client arched his eyebrows with a, “You’ve got to be kidding me, I can’t believe you’re saying that” look on his face.
I could go on.
They’re all being POLITE. But it’s the kind of politeness that communicates, “I’m forcing myself to be very polite with you and, believe me, it’s a strain.”
That’s a rapport-killer. A relationship-killer. An extraordinary outcome-killer.
How you look at the other person as you listen creates an experience for the other person that will have a bigger impact on your outcome and your relationship than you might realize.
Some say this is all about body language. No, no, no. The language your body is speaking is the EFFECT of, and an expression of, what you are thinking and feeling. I don’t want to address the effect; I want to address the CAUSE.
It’s not your body you want to control. It’s your state of mind, your thoughts, your affinity for the other person and the interest and most of all importance with which you are treating what they say. Here’s how.
When you get the idea, “This is important” as you listen to someone, ALL of your body language, every muscle in your face and in your body changes. It shifts you into a new gear that the other person perceives immediately.
They visibly can see something in ALL of you that makes them feel, “You get how important this is. You really understand me.”
And that creates a BIG change in them.
When people feel understood, they open to you in ways you won’t otherwise see. It doesn’t matter if they’re the Executive VP or the janitor, whether they’re your 4-year old or a difficult customer. Humanity responds to understanding.
There’s something special that you radiate when you are feeling genuine care for the person you’re talking to. When you’re filled with affinity for them, your eyes are radiant. The other person experiences it. It communicates a magic to them and they respond to that magic.
But it must be genuine. It’s not a “body language” thing. It’s not an “I’m going to make you think I feel this way even though I really don’t” thing.
You can’t just “look like” you think it’s important. You can’t just “look like” you understand.
24-karat gold is pure. You can measure understanding in karats too. And the world notices 24-karat understanding. They KNOW when it’s real. Especially when you grant importance to every idea they express. This has a profound impact on them. It’s very, very rare. To see the profound effect it creates will help you believe it. That’s why it’s worth trying.
I’ve described the “Before” screen shots of some of my clients to you. The “After” screen shots tell a completely different story and create a completely different experience for the person they’re listening to, resulting in a completely different outcome for them.
When Vincent went back to talk to Vickie, she became a completely different person. Not because of anything Vincent said. But because of how he made her feel as he listened. It took no time. Vickie changed. Doors opened for Vincent. Vickie opened them even wider. And from there, it was easy. Soon after, I received the joy-filled email letting me know of his promotion and inviting me to lunch.
The power to make someone feel understood is already inside of you. Vincent had it, he just wasn’t using it. Once he discovered how, the "impossible” happened with almost no effort.
It’s not magic, it’s connection. It’s the power that comes from showing another human being they matter.
Be the cause!