Gisele showed up for her coaching session with me and said, “I’m presenting really well now, I only have one stumbling block. Martin is blocking my proposal and I can’t go forward without him. He’s really stubborn. Won’t listen and he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.”
Why do people do that?
10 years ago, a man came in trying to sell me something. I felt sorry for him and decided to listen to what he had to say. I hadn’t listened for three minutes before I stopped him and said, “I’m not going to buy anything. But I’m going to coach you on your communication skills. Right now you’re not going to sell anything to anyone.” He smiled ruefully and said, “How did you know? I’m not making any sales, no one’s buying from me.”
There’s talking. Then there’s communicating. The difference between these two may not be visible to the average person, but is very visible in the effect you create on the other person and in the deep satisfaction of your outcome, including the relationship you develop.
What passes for listening in this world, oh it’s so sad. Especially when people disagree or their realities are quite different. The kind of listening that I see Beyond Persuasion graduates do is enough to turn your head. It’s enough to make a room go quiet because they know they’re witnessing something extraordinary.
When Jeffrey started his coaching three months ago, he knew something was off in the way that he was presenting. He said to me, “If I could be 10% of what my boss is as a presenter, I would feel like I achieved a big goal.”
The problem Jeffrey was having was a “There’s so much to say about this” problem.
When you feel like there’s so much to say, it’s easy to fall into the trap of talking too much. The audience completely disengages.
In the last group I coached, there was a big discussion in the group about how they were holding themselves back. They were “toning themselves down”. They were intense people afraid of being “intense”. Having coached tens of thousands of individuals and executives, I have observed that many people hold themselves back, and as a result, many people live half a life, not being all they are capable of.
It takes work at the beginning to continue to use these skills after the Communication training when you’re living in a world that doesn’t have them. The payoff is an exhilarating life. It’s always amazing how others change when you do the training and speak to them as a causative communicator. You create transformation. The power truly is always in your hands.
Leonard was making the mistake of delivering a “stream of consciousness” type of presentation that followed his logic of “Let me start at the beginning and tell you everything”. This is a common approach for people below senior levels. It does not follow what I call “Executive Logic”.
What was missing from Leonard’s presentation was…
This week I have a lovely and talented co-author for my article. Evelyn transformed her life with one well-communicated sentence. She contacted me 7 years ago because she wanted to get promoted to VP and requested Executive Coaching to help her get there. I knew she was doing well since that time and was very pleasantly surprised to receive an email from her a couple weeks ago.
The Communication Formula puts the ability to create extraordinary outcomes under your control. It gives you a set of skills and a process to follow that allow you to do the “impossible.”
What Victor discovered is accessible to everyone. Even the most difficult situations can be completely transformed when you know how.
People get so wrapped up in looking good and trying to be impressive, in trying to overwhelm in an effort to be convincing, that they forget that what you’re REALLY doing is getting a message across that you want people to understand and even act on.
People come to me for coaching with goals that sound like, “I want to be impressive”. No one comes to me and says, “I want to be understood”. Yet, this second goal is the one which has true power.
Here’s a question from an “early in career” 22-year-old after working 6 months in a major corporation: “Don’t the senior executives know that when they’re making their speeches to us that they’re not actually saying anything?”
The answer is: They know something’s not right, but they don’t know how to fix it.
Javon was watching Anthony intently. He had just acknowledged him and was waiting in the pause. He was looking at Anthony’s reaction to the acknowledgment.
Slowly Anthony looked very satisfied, nodded his head, relaxed his shoulders, leaned back and smiled. Javon saw Anthony was ready to listen.
That had never happened before. Anthony was never ready to listen. Here’s what led up to it.
Farzad is the most listened-to person in the division. But it wasn’t always that way. His boss had contacted me saying, “Farzad is a great guy with tremendous substance, but his rambling presentations are driving everyone crazy. Especially my boss!”
Farzad was known as “The guy who talks the most and says the least.”
Farzad showed up for Coaching eager and interested in learning. He said, “I know I’m doing something wrong because everyone multi-tasks when I’m talking, but I have no idea what it is. If you can help me with that, I would love to have everyone listening to me.”
It was Valerie’s first Executive Coaching session of the new year and she was spiritless. She found out the CEO had decided to bypass her for the promotion from VP to Senior VP that she had been counting on. They wanted to bring in someone “fresh and with more experience” from the outside to be her new boss. Ugh!
Valerie got the bad news and then went out on the end of year holiday. It didn’t improve her mood.
“What’s going on?” I asked her.
“It’s hard. It’s hard to come back. It’s hard to look forward to this new year with any optimism. I feel like I’m not being valued. My enthusiasm for what I’m doing is completely drained.”
What was really drained was her ability to communicate effectively. If you look at the above definition of causative, it’s the ability to make what you want happen. And the ONLY way to do that is through the way you communicate.
The only way to persuade is to communicate persuasively. The only way to convince is to communicate convincingly. The only way to shape reality with others is through your communication.
The reason I’m writing about this is because of the holidays. I’m the daughter of Lithuanian immigrants and we celebrate Lithuanian as well as American holidays. So we always get a double dose of celebrations throughout the year.
From my earliest memory, there was never a holiday dinner where someone did not get up from the table, possibly in tears or wounded silence, storm out of the room and slam the door loudly. Never. It was not always the same person, we would rotate.
We got offended easily, and the way we handled it only made it worse.
Even so, I challenge you to find a family that loves each other more than we do. If ever anyone said anything bad about any one of us, they were in trouble.
That’s how it used to be.
“Camera Presence” is how you show up when you’re virtual.
You want to make the people you’re talking to feel like you’re right there with them. You want all the technology to melt away to create a feeling of closeness. And you want them to react warmly toward you the moment they see you.
Camera presence is a subject where small things make a big difference. Here are some of the key mistakes people make. I’ll show you with photos of Janet, our Lead Trainer.
See how you’re doing with all these points.
Gregor had made an overnight change, both at work and at home. The results were so powerful, it turned his world inside out.
It was during the Causative Communication workshop that Gregor came to realize he only “half listened to anyone”. His mind was always moving on to “what’s next”. He was mentally halfway out of this meeting and heading to the next one no matter where he was.
At the end of the 3rd day of the workshop, Gregor made a life-changing decision. He said, “I’m going to stay fully present in every conversation. I’m going to give 100% of my focus, really listen and really understand. No shortcuts.”
Thanksgiving has inspired this article because Thanksgiving always reminds me how wonderful, even magical, affinity is.
Affinity is a feeling. It’s what you’re feeling about the other person, your emotional response to them. And very specifically, it’s how much you like them in that moment.
Affinity can fluctuate, even within one conversation. You can start out with low affinity and end up with high affinity. Or start high and go low.
“I’m now walking into meetings and making what I want happen. The first thing I noticed was that everyone started listening to me differently. Even my boss. Now people go quiet when I speak and genuinely listen, even my superiors. I hadn’t realized there are different kinds of listening. This is REALLY different. After that, it’s not hard.”
This broke all the rules considering where Agoston was on the corporate ladder. He was young, early in career and had no authority. But he spoke up at meetings, in hallways and conversations. His influence was growing daily. It wasn’t long before he was promoted and began rapidly moving up the organization.
Before he did the Causative Communication workshop, no one listened to him.
What made the difference for Agoston was mastering the skill of…
Alistair came to me for coaching because his evaluations were filled with words like “Dry”, “Dull”, and “Not inspiring”. They thought Alistair was a smart technical geek with no leadership ability. The “Loyalty” scores in his division hit the bottom.
It was very quickly clear to me that Alistair had tremendous leadership ability and was an exceptional strategist. He was tripping up on his ability to communicate, and so the outside world never saw it.
When you trip up on communication, you will trip up on leadership. They go hand in hand.
I coached Alistair on many skills. The continuing monthly evaluations from his All-Hands told us whether he was winning.
Copyright 2026 Effective Training Solutions. All Rights Reserved.