Gisele and Martin did not have a great working relationship. But then again, Martin didn’t have a great working relationship with anyone. He was considered “difficult.”
Gisele was hitting it out of the park with her presentations. Everyone else was sold on her latest innovative idea for creating a much-needed breakthrough by their global organization.
That is, everyone except Martin.
Gisele showed up for her coaching session with me and said, “I’m presenting really well now, I only have one stumbling block. Martin is blocking my proposal and I can’t go forward without him. He’s really stubborn. Won’t listen and he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.”
Why do people do that?
One reason only. They feel you’re not getting it. So, they get stuck sending the same thing over and over.
This is how you open the door to a different conversation with them.
First, I coached Gisele on how to listen. This was difficult for her. Listening to Martin’s negativity frustrated her. She would rapidly lose patience. Within 30 seconds she couldn’t take it anymore and exploded. She was so overpowered by frustration, she literally wasn’t hearing anything Martin said.
I coached Gisele until she could comfortably and fully be there for him while he was speaking. At that point she was able to stop thinking and simply be completely “tuned in” to Martin as he talked. She could hear him. She could understand him. That alone is half-way there to disarming resistance.
People change when they see and feel you listening to them like this. It’s something they not only see, it’s something they feel when you fully tune in. They know. It’s magical in how it makes them feel.
Then I coached Gisele on how to acknowledge that she understood Martin, making sure that she was creating an experience for Martin where Martin felt totally understood.
This is a real ability, to create this feeling in another person. When the other person feels, “You get me.” It’s not something you can tell someone. They have to experience it.
And when they do, a great acknowledgement creates a transformation in the other person. You see it happen. Something deep inside them relaxes. Their face changes. Their body language changes. Their tone of voice changes. Their affinity for you goes sky high.
The conversation pivots on that exact point, at that exact moment.
Now you’ll have a completely different conversation. A new relationship. A brand new outcome.
Well-delivered acknowledgements are one of the most powerful forces for uplifting the conversation, any conversation, elevating the relationship and dramatically increasing affinity. Way more powerful than most people realize.
People make the mistake of thinking other people need to be “validated” or agreed with. In truth, what rages inside them all is a craving to be understood.
You’ll be absolutely amazed how open others will be to your ideas (even if they were totally disagreeing with these ideas just seconds before) once you successfully complete this step in the communication process.
I coached Gisele until she mastered giving very sincere and powerful acknowledgments that I knew would melt any resistance she encountered. I knew Martin would respond. I knew he would be open.
Gisele had a team meeting that Martin would be attending following our coaching session. I got her email immediately after the meeting:
“Acknowledgement was ‘golden’ and it worked. I gave Martin ‘true and real’ acknowledgements and after only two times only, it worked. And for the first time he could hear what I was saying and was supporting my proposal. :)”
Key words – “For the first time he could hear …”
It turns out, like most people, Martin is a good person. With a craving to be understood. Really, just like the rest of us.
Once you understand how acknowledgements work, and WHY they work, your conversations, relationships and the outcomes you can create change forever.
Next week I’ll talk about the key ingredients to a successful acknowledgement. In the meantime, use what you know and get started. You’ll see results right away.
Be the cause!