I received such powerful responses to last week’s article, it became clear to me it’s time to take the next step on our journey into listening.
People wrote me they had tears streaming down their face. One person wrote that they made a decision “beginning right now and in this moment, to begin really listening again.” And what was most powerful, she wrote, “I think that will help me to feel more alive again.” I’m sure it will. She’ll be surprised how much. I look forward to hearing.
I had many people write. I read them all.
There was one thing, however, that stopped me in my tracks, and this is what I want to take up this week, something that many people wrote.
Many very good people.
Good people who don’t realize they have been led into a trap of false notions camouflaged as instructive tips or strategy.
Many people wrote something along the lines of, “Listening is the best way to achieve your outcome. It’s a great formula for getting the other person to change their mind. It really works.”
Can you see what’s wrong with that viewpoint?
On the surface it sounds effective. Practical. Something you could “use”. Right?
But let’s dig deeper. Let’s examine the core of it.
Imagine this:
Think of something that’s really important to you right now. Something you really want. Now imagine that I could help you get it, but I want something opposite of what you want. Imagine you need me to say, “Yes” to what you want. Really get that feeling for a moment. We’ve all felt this.
Now imagine you’re earnestly and sincerely telling me about it and I’m listening to you. Imagine that I “seem interested”.
Now imagine that you somehow realize the reason I’m listening to you is not because I’m genuinely interested. I’m doing it so then I can get you to listen to me so I can change your mind. It’s my “formula for getting you to change your mind”. I don’t really want to listen to you, but I am making myself listen to you because I don’t see any other way to get you to the outcome I want. That’s why I make myself look interested. In other words, it’s a “technique I use”. I’m using listening to get to you.
Can you see what’s wrong with that? Have you ever experienced it? How did you feel? Can you imagine how this type of listening might damage the relationship in some very subtle but ultimately foundational way?
Where did we ever learn to listen this way? Where did we ever learn the lesson that listening is something you use?
If you want to enjoy the fullest benefits of Causative Communication, it’s important you never land in this trap.
Tell me what you think. And next week, I’ll write about how to free yourself from the trap.
More next week!