The making of a king

Daniel opened this message after a critical meeting and knew that others had clearly seen his new state of being:

“Not sure if it’s the coaching, but you had a rather regal presence.  Your ideas were very clear, collaborative and it was a boosted energy from previous meetings.  Thank you for all of the insight and input you provided today.”

You rarely see the word regal, meaning worthy of a king, used to describe someone in the corporate world – very rare.  It’s a badge of honor. You have to earn it, and Daniel did. 

How did he get here?

Daniel already had the highest rating from his team of any senior manager in the organization, 4.8 out of 5, on scores of productivity, team spirit and loyalty. He regularly received kudos from his boss and the rest of the organization for his work.

The problem is, emotionally speaking, Daniel is done with this job. He’s beyond ready for more.  Daniel wakes up every morning aching for the next level.  He wants to be a VP so bad, it’s difficult to find satisfaction anymore in what he’s doing right now.

But his boss, and his boss’ boss, keep telling him he’s not ready.

There’s not much worse than feeling stuck and feeling like you can’t control your own destiny.

Daniel’s boss told him that what Daniel is missing is this extremely nebulous quality called executive presence. But his boss couldn’t really explain or define it for him.  And Daniel had no idea what it was either.

So they called me.

You might think that executive presence is a recent phenomenon, a concept that only made its appearance in the corporate world in the last century.

Not so.  Noah Webster was writing about it in 1828, and it had been around for a long time even before that.  They were writing about (and admiring) this quality of presence in men and women all the way back in ancient civilizations.  I like to use what Noah wrote about it in my coaching.  He explains it well.

Here’s what it is:

Superior presence of mind.  A calm, firm state of the mind, with thoughts and abilities at command, which enables a person to speak or act without embarrassment or self-consciousness.

The thing about this, is that it’s very rare.  While anyone is capable of it, very few in the corporate world demonstrate it.  Here’s why:

Very simply put, executive presence is a state of mind.

Let’s examine it by breaking down Noah Webster’s definition one word at a time:

Superior means to surpass what is considered usual regarding excellence, greatness, goodness and quality.  It’s a superior state of mind.

Presence is a state of being that is focused, cool, firm and prepared.

Calm means still. Your mind is still. You are still. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be very dynamic. It means that you and your energy, are not agitated. There is a stillness to your energy. It’s not rushed.  It is not disturbed.  It flows forth easily.

Firm means secure in position, unshaken, strong, steadfast.

Being in complete command of your thoughts and abilities means that you have complete power and authority over exercising them.  You are in complete control of your thoughts and your abilities. It’s a state of being in complete command over yourself.  This very naturally, very organically, generates authority, which is the power others give you which is derived from their opinion, respect or esteem.

Embarrassment is being ashamed of yourself.  You want none of that.

Self-consciousness means being too aware of yourself. The opposite of self-conscious is aware of the world around you, of others, not focused on yourself.  Effortlessly.

Every single one of these is an ability. It’s not a personality trait.  I say that to dispel any false idea you might have been told that you have to be born with it.  I’ve worked with thousands of very different personalities who have developed these abilities. Each personality has its own unique style. You have your own unique style. That’s your personality. The qualities above are abilities, not personalities.  You can develop each of these abilities and then add your own beautiful style to them, just as Daniel did during our coaching sessions.

This state of mind is the foundation from which you communicate and from which you act. When you can do that, your communication has the power of executive presence, and your actions do as well.

People then naturally put you into the leadership position. For one simple reason: it’s obvious that you belong there. It would not be fitting, it would not be right, to put you anywhere else. Your promotion to leadership is inevitable, assuming you have the technical and business skills required.

Daniel’s organization does not have the position of King.  So I don’t think that Daniel will be crowned. However, I have no doubt that one of his next emails to me is going to announce a major promotion. That email he received above is just one of many similar ones he’s happily answering these days.  It’s happening.

You are in control of your destiny.

If things aren’t going in the direction you want, then get the skills you need to change that.

You are the king or queen of your “kingdom,” after all.

Be the cause!

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The biggest lie ever told…

I’m sending this article out a day early, because of what tomorrow brings, because of the conversations that will happen.

 I live in America.  Most of my readers live in America, although a great number live in countries around the globe.  Politics has reached deeply into every corner of the world, into many lives, millions of conversations.

 Right now, we have 25,000 armed military troops dressed in riot gear in our beautiful nation’s capital.  This is more troops than we have had on-site during many declarations of war.

It signals many things, but to me, primarily it signals the breakdown of communication.  Force enters in when communication breaks down. As long as communication is working, force is unnecessary.

This past Sunday, I went for a walk and stopped to talk to one of my neighbors.  John is passionate about everything, from gardening and music to local politics.  I made the serious mistake of thinking he and I had similar political views, and commented to him about a controversial California politician I greatly admire.

John exploded.  He doesn’t believe anything this politician says. He went on and on and on, passionately explaining his beliefs. 

Our disagreement could not have been greater.

I opened my mind and really listened to him. I genuinely understood John and his point of view. He made several extremely valid points. He also said some things I knew nothing about and I made a note to research them when I got home because it would be interesting to learn about them. I listened and I listened and I listened. 

While he was talking, I wasn’t thinking about anything, I was simply listening and really understanding, really seeing it from his point of view.  Mostly I was making sure I was just getting it fully and understanding. 

There are many things I love about John. He’s a very cheerful guy who always lights up when he sees me.  He’s friendly to everyone. He always lends a hand to every neighbor on our street. John’s the guy who shows up with the wheelbarrow when you need one.  He loves to talk to everyone.

As I listened to John say things I completely disagreed with, I never lost the good feeling I have for him.

John talked in great detail.  He said all he wanted me to know, and it was a lot.  When he was finished, he seemed to notice me for the first time.  He examined my face.  I think he could see I was concentrating very seriously on him and just plain listening.  John smiled at me and said, “I sure didn’t mean to go off like that.”

I said, “I’m glad you did. I’m very happy to know what you’re thinking. I really understand what you’re saying, I really get your point of view on this. There are some things you said I’ve never heard and I’m going to look into them.”

John looked at me with a super friendly look and said, “What you said about this politician is something I’ve never heard. If it’s true, that would change my opinion of him.  I’m going to do some research on that, that would be very interesting.” 

We both smiled and talked about the goings-on in the street.  Very happy to be neighbors.

The reason I’m writing this is because millions of political conversations are happening. And I want you to know that the propaganda that’s put out about how “difficult” it is for people to communicate when they have different or opposing views is a lie.  Believing this lie erects barriers between us when we need to reach each other most.

The truth is that we as human beings are capable of great understanding, we are capable of seeing things from many different viewpoints, we’re capable of seeing things from billions of different viewpoints. There is simply no limit on this one.

Yet, by magazines and media, we are systematically brainwashed to think that our own viewpoint is the only one that is valid and that we “can’t talk to” someone who has a different view or conviction.  This belief that communication is “difficult” ensures we will have enduring conflict.

John and I have completely different points of view, completely different sources of information, completely different beliefs, and we have a major disagreement that we are both passionate about.  But we have no conflict. Why?

Because we’re both willing to understand each other, to find out more and to keep talking about it.

I have no doubt that something amazing is going to come out of this conversation.  And I have a feeling that we will both be surprised by how it turns out.  That’s how good communication works.

Why is John willing to understand me?  Because I understand him.  Period.

Whoever you’re talking to, what they really want from you is understanding.

The more you understand them, the more willing they are to understand you.  This is a natural law in play in all humanity.  It looks like magic when it happens, but I’ve seen it happen now across all borders for over 30 years. 

You’re the one to get the ball rolling.   

Show the world the “lie” isn’t true…

Be the cause!

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Transforming a screen full of "black squares" into real connection

Isabella was about to give a presentation to the most important customer in the European region, representing more money for her company in one year than she had ever seen in her lifetime. The customer was not happy and Isabella was there to explain what had gone wrong.

Isabella is a warm, wonderful, caring and intelligent woman. She has no trouble connecting with people in person.

This meeting, however, was virtual with seven people Isabella had never met. None of them had their camera on. She was looking at a wall of little black squares with names written on them. They looked more like gravestones than people.

How do you build rapport with that?

When I first started coaching her, she was terrified, looking at the camera lens like it was a snake.  You can imagine the tension in her face, the look in her eyes. 

You can also imagine what the customer reaction would be. With so little confidence in herself, there was no chance Isabella would inspire confidence in any of the seven unhappy people on the call who were ready to rip into her.

Isabella‘s first big challenge was simply being comfortable.  The first thing I helped her with was getting rid of the “mental noise” in her head.  You know what I’m talking about – when your mind is ping-ponging all over the place and making you tense up.  All that mental noise kept her from having any focus. We got rid of it so she was calm, relaxed and comfortable.

I then did several exercises with her until she could comfortably look at the camera lens and imagine it was a real face, a friendly person with warm eyes, reassuringly smiling at her.

As Isabella did that, her own features transformed into a beautiful, very genuine smile. Her eyes became warm and radiant. You couldn’t help but smile back at her.

The camera lens became a portal that allowed Isabella to walk through and enter the minds and hearts of the people on the other side.

Then she practiced communicating the news, creating powerful key messages that would resonate and delivering them compassionately, with quick impact. 

As we elevated the quality of Isabella‘s communication, you could feel the transformation in the outcome Isabella now controlled.

 She inspires your confidence.  Yet she also creates a powerful emotional impact.  She is so much on your side, you can’t resist her.

In her next customer call, the miracle happened.

As Isabella was speaking, gradually the cameras came on, real faces, real people, smiling back at her, nodding, understanding, trust growing.  Understanding the problem, but willing to move forward and work with her on the solution.  Just as if they were in person.

Transformation.  Catastrophe averted.

Isabella‘s heart and whole being exploded with inner joy and celebration.

You might be thinking this is an isolated incident. It isn’t.

Our students see miracles like this regularly. Both in their communications and their presentations.  It’s the reason we at ETS love what we do. 

Our mission is to help people become powerful communicators who can accomplish their goals with the way they communicate their ideas.  Ideas have power, but only when they’re communicated well.

Real communication creates real magic. Everything else is just talking.

This is a world in need of miracles.  Every miracle you have as a communicator affects at least one other person. It uplifts them for their next conversation.

This is how the ripples in the pond go forward when one pebble is dropped into the water.  The pebbles you drop eventually reach distant shores.  Keep going and one day we’ll have a world that’s much, much easier to live in, a world filled with real communication, warmth and understanding.

The question isn’t whether or not you can create these miracles, the question is just how many  you will choose to create?

Be the cause!

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Living in gray or dreaming in color

I was literally blown away this week by the responses I received to last week’s article, A quiet rebel's guide to being unrealistic.   Dreamers, lots of them, came out of the woodwork, or more accurately, down from the clouds. They had a lot to say.

The thoroughness and forcefulness with which they have been told to kill their dreams penetrated my core.

Each one of these dreamers is splendidly unique.  You would say, “Wow, this person is not like anyone I’ve ever met.” 

Yet they all have certain things in common. They’re too humble to say this about themselves, but these common qualities shine like the sun.

Perhaps you share these things with them, and even in your humility, you can see you have these qualities.

They’re extraordinarily attractive, intelligent and artistic in everything they do, from the way they dress to the way they approach a conversation, to the way they make a presentation.  They beat the odds in creating rich, meaningful lives. And people love them.

Especially as they’re working for large corporations, the world around them has often made a point of aggressively intruding on their dreams and insisting they face reality.

But, fortunately, they have one more very important thing in common.  With no unpleasantness in their hearts, they neglect this shoddy and cruel advice, turn their face to the sun and follow their dreams. 

That is the mark of a quiet rebel. They do not fight, they do not complain, they do not yell or scream. They simply BEND reality and create the future they wish to see.

They are the very embodiment of the word CAUSATIVE.

They stand out from all the others in mega-corporations who stop dreaming and conform to the world around them, the ones who make the choice to shrink to carry on.

This is important and there’s no other word for it.  The only way to conform to the world around you is to shrink.

But you know … it’s precisely those dreams that others will tell you are impossible, those are the dreams that are going to make you deeply happy.

That’s what this New Year is all about: the choice between the dark, gray world of others’ reality or the colorful world of your dreams.

The one who owns their dreams, owns reality.  The one who owns reality, creates reality.  That’s the one who creates the ultimate outcome, the one with stronger ownership. 

Who owns your dreams?  The one you listen to.  Is the voice inside you more compelling than any others?

The world desperately needs the dreamers.  The world desperately is in need of your dreams, especially if you dream in color.

That’s what being causative is all about – taking your ability to communicate to a level where it shapes the facts of existence.

Do you believe you can do that? That’s the reason we offer our classes and workshops. So dreamers can come and acquire the skills they need to prove that being causative is, in fact, very possible.

We are the creators of reality, which gives us life, not the accepters of reality which gives us death by 1,000 cuts.

I’ve had the feeling that I was writing these articles to the dreamers of the world, the quiet rebels.  To you.  And I am so happy to know that this is true.

Dear Dreamer, Dear Quiet Rebel – When we hear your voice, the whole world wins.  We do want yours to be a voice the whole world hears. 

Be the cause!

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A quiet rebel's guide to being unrealistic

Every person who ever told me to face reality never seemed very happy to me. I was told to face reality from the time I was little. So it started young. And it was from a good number of people.

I was a big day-dreamer and it happened when I told them dreams of what I was going to be, what I would do, the life I dreamed of living. This is when they’d look at me severe and grimly and say, “Dreams are nice, but you need to face reality.”  Then present me with an expectant look that plainly said, “It’s time to wipe that smile off your face, young lady.”

I only had one teacher, Miss Herman, who said, “You’re going to go places, Ingrid, don’t forget that, and don’t forget us.”  I will never forget her.

Actually, if you want to know the truth, it started really early.  Apparently, when I was a baby, I spent a lot of time laughing. My mother said even when she left me alone for a little bit, from the next room she could hear me laughing and laughing. When she came in, I was very entertained by the light dancing on the ceiling as the trees outside swayed in the wind and their leaves cast playful shadows of light. (Note:  I still find that endlessly entertaining.)

Anyway, she took me to the doctor because I was laughing so much, everything made me happy and I was always laughing at the least little thing. She was afraid I was mentally defective. The doctor examined me rather thoroughly and told my mother that I had no mental defects, she just had a really happy baby.

She couldn’t quite understand why I was so happy. It makes total sense to me. I had a really cool family and I was super happy to be alive.

I also really liked people. I found pretty much everyone interesting.  I loved talking to strangers.

So teachers, and even random people, started telling me to face reality pretty early. They made a point to let me know that the world was not as good a place as I seemed to think it was. Reality came to mean something pretty grim, slightly dangerous, a little or a lot unpleasant and definitely something you couldn’t do anything about.

And, most important, when it comes to you versus reality, reality always has the winning hand, you will always lose.

You can understand why I wasn’t crazy about the reality they kept telling me I had to face. It clearly meant giving up my dreams.  It actually even meant I should stop dreaming altogether.

So, I learned to look very serious. I learned how to get the straight A’s in school that seemed to make everyone happy, grades that turned out to be meaningless because they were no measure of whether I was a good person or whether I could do anything meaningful, or contribute anything worthwhile to the world.

But I knew this was wrong and I couldn’t sell out my dreams.  I was a quiet rebel.  I didn’t announce my rebellion, I just acted on it. I won’t get into all I did to make school tolerable, suffice it to say, I had a really good time (clean fun) and laughed a lot when they weren’t looking.

I started our organization, Effective Training Solutions, when I was in my 20’s. They told me to face reality yet again, that I was too young to start my own company. Even my mother told me to go get “a real job” when I told her I was the CEO of a company of one.

And here I am, over 30 years later…living a dream.

Because that’s what it comes down to. Dreams versus reality. It’s not you versus reality it’s your dreams versus reality.  And, in truth, it’s someone else’s reality, it’s never yours.

And that’s what this New Year is all about. There are WAY too many heavy-duty realities being enforced on all of us.

What does that do to our dreams?

If your answer is, that you dream even bigger and are making those dreams come true, Bravo!

If your answer is, that you’re waiting to either see how it all turns out or are waiting for it to change, it’s time to reclaim your precious dreams.  They are the most important part of your life. 

I spend 20% of my time observing reality exactly the way it is.  And 80% focused on how I want it to be and making it happen.

We have 12 people in our organization. We just had a series of major end-of-year meetings. We looked back over the last year and forward into our new year.

The reality looking back was grim.  We received an email at 3 PM one day in March telling us that, starting at midnight, we were not allowed to come back to the office. Every single client we had scheduled through 2020 suddenly canceled. We had no online training going, only in-person clients scheduled, so suddenly the rug was pulled out from under our business and our dreams completely.

My team and I had an immediate meeting and within two hours we had new dreams we were inspired by, a strategy and a plan.

Over the last nine months we have executed on it, with many pivot points along the way where we responded to continuously changing observations about what our clients really need.

In 2020 we pulled together, did the hard work, basically climbed a very high mountain, and were so busy climbing, we never looked down to see how far we’ve come.

In these meetings, we realized we had reached the top of a very high mountain and we all sat back to enjoy the beautiful view.

The wins from our clients have been so satisfying, so richly rewarding, so deeply moving, so profoundly wonderful, we were filled with gratitude.  All the new people that we’ve met and who have enriched our lives so greatly. And we are so happy for the great number of people that we have helped who now can go forward to communicate successfully to the world around them and create new realities.  People who are making a difference, people who are uplifting the world around them.

We look back on 2020 with pain and sorrow for the injury that was done to the dreams of so many.

And we look back with great joy for all the people we helped.

The world around us has been unrelentingly brutal. Surrounded by this harsh reality, we created our own world of goodness and brought many people into that world. 

And that’s what this new year is about.  

It’s not about facing reality. It’s not about waiting to see what’s going to happen. It’s not about waiting for everything to change.

It’s about creating a beautiful new reality that truly makes us … you, me, all of us … deeply satisfied and happy.

Facing reality isn’t going to get us there. Creating reality will.

So my wish for you is to be filled with the courage (because it takes real courage) to face your dreams and make them your new reality.

I will never tell you to face reality. I believe in your ability to CHANGE reality, to improve it, to make a better world, for you, for your family, for everyone you work with.

I believe in you. I believe in your dreams.

If there’s any way I can help you make them all come true, just let me know. I’m all about making dreams come true.  That’s the best part of life. And helping people.

And being way too happy. And laughing way too much.

I’ve announced a very special free workshop I’ll be delivering in January so you can start off the New Year filled with confidence you can create the beautiful future you want.  It’s a great workshop if you want to go into the new year feeling great about yourself. 

Here’s the link to enroll if you’d like to step into this world for a couple of hours.

Be the cause!

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Bringing light to the hidden miracle of difference

Photo: @frankstelges

I have a special fondness for writing before dawn, as dark turns to light. This week it’s felt more powerful. This is the big pivot point of the year, the winter solstice. We’ve journeyed into the shortest, darkest day. And now each new dawn will gradually return us to light and warmth.

The complete dark of my pre-dawn morning is lit by the many colorful lights of my Christmas tree. This Noble Fir puts out a heady scent that makes me feel I am in a forest. A night forest lit by magical lights.

Before I write, I sit still and look out at the lights across the dark Bay. No thoughts, pure awareness. I tune into the world, specifically the world that you and I share. I tune in planet-wide and am simply aware. Inspiration comes to me and I start writing.

This morning was completely different. I sat still. Tuned in. And burst into tears. Not sadness. Overpowering realization about our world.

Our world is one I know something about. I’ve been delivering programs internationally for over 20 years.

I’ve answered questions and had discussions about “cultural differences” with people in 43 countries on every populated continent. They’re all interested in this.

The discussions always revolve around differences, not similarities.

Not one person has ever asked me about the similarities.

Think about that for a moment.

My overpowering realization was that we were missing something big, important. And I was suddenly stunned not by our differences, but by the magnitude of our similarities.

Our cultural differences are small. They mainly have to do with manners and politeness. They seem huge when we run into them, but they are pale and small compared to our similarities.

We are all part of something called humanity. Our similarities (when we find them) empower us to create a bridge to crossover and reach each other.

The similarities aren’t trivial. They’re the big, personal motivations in our lives. The things that matter. The hopes fulfilled that give our lives meaning.

Here are but a few I have found in people everywhere:

• We have a powerful need to be understood

• When someone understands us, we experience a beautiful feeling of relief and gratitude

• When we fully understand another person, we feel closer to them, it swiftly brings us

• closer to each other

• When someone has affinity for us, it makes us feel respected, safe, valuable, important, it brings out the best in us

• A day filled with affinity is a good day

• Miscommunication is frustrating for all of us

• We’re always looking for any way, for anything that will help us be better understood

• The more people we’re able to communicate successfully with, the richer our lives are

• When someone reaches out to us with kindness, we cherish it

• We are capable of great love and when we have it, we like it a lot

• No one has enough

I could go on. I have no doubt you could help complete this list. You know what’s important. Could this list ever be complete? I can think of hundreds more similarities.

We love to laugh. That’s an important one.

These are universal. No borders. We share them with everyone. That young boy in a yurt in Mongolia, that executive on the phone in London, that person you’ll be talking to today.

The magic of online technology has opened up a whole new world for me and my organization. We are reaching people more people and more countries than ever.

There’s a feeling that I always have at the end of my workshops and coaching sessions. As I look at my students’ faces, and they are radiant with joy, pride, affinity for me and for each other, I feel a closeness that I know they feel also, like we are right here together, inches away from each other, even though they may be 19 time zones away.

None of us wants the session to end because we’re enjoying the companionship, the understanding, we’ve all helped each other, we brought ourselves and each other to a new place, a new understanding, a new ability, a new level of humanity. The feeling is extraordinary.

Later, when I get an email from one of them, my heart accelerates seeing their name in my inbox. It’s a “forever” relationship of helping, caring and understanding.

The overpowering realization I had this morning is that this, communication, is what ties us together.

We share an overpowering human urge. It doesn’t matter where we are in the world, we want to be understood. We want to understand.

When I realized the power and simplicity of this, and what it means, what it truly means, I burst into tears.

I must say, as humanity, as badly as we all want this, we don’t know how.

And that’s why I love what I do. I help bring the how into people’s lives.

And when my students know how, they can communicate successfully with anyone, across any divide, any cultural barrier, disagreement, difference, and they can create understanding and that really good feeling.

When we can all do that, we can accomplish a goal that we have as humanity: to communicate successfully with each other, to understand and be understood. To have that really good feeling about each other.

From there, all things are possible. We have it within our power to turn this whole planet from dark to light.

Let’s bring this down into your world. How does all this help you communicate?

If you’d like to see a truly magical outcome, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pick someone in your life that you’ll be talking to over these next couple of weeks, whether it’s your weird uncle, your boss or a colleague across the ocean. Find as many similarities between the two of you as you can. Look for similarities you share on the surface. Look for ones that are deeper. Then start the conversation by talking about the similarities you share. See where the conversation goes. It will go to a new place.

If you need help transforming the relationships in your life, whether at home or at work, then get the coaching we offer to move you through the steps towards mastery. It doesn’t take long and it’s life-changing.

Also, I’ve announced a very special free workshop I’ll be delivering in January so you can start off the New Year filled with confidence you can create the beautiful future you want. Here’s the link if you want to awaken this sleeping power.

Be the cause!

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How to transcend the physical universe...through a camera lens

Last week I promised to show you how to transform your relationship with your video camera so you can create a powerful connection with each person you talk with. 

I’m assuming you share something in common with the hundreds and hundreds of people we’ve been helping develop strong virtual communication and presentation skills these past 9 months:  they all hate talking to the camera. 

They feel it’s bad enough they’re not in person.  That alone makes it more challenging to build trust and a great relationship quickly.

But when they find out they’re not supposed to look at the other person’s picture, they really don’t like it.  A completely understandable reaction.

Here’s the worst part of being virtual: It doesn’t matter whether you’re “direct to camera” or in a virtual meeting, you have to build a rich, meaningful human connection through the camera.

You have to look straight into, and talk to, a cold, dark, empty, little lens.  You don’t get to experience even one human face, or the warmth of someone else’s eyes as you’re doing it.

So, how do you create a meaningful connection sitting in front of an impersonal computer monitor facing an empty, life-deprived camera?  There’s only one way to do that.

You have to transcend the physical universe.

Transcend means to rise above, go beyond the limits of.  In the 14th century it meant escape.

I’ll show you how.

When you look into that camera lens, the first thing that hits you is its cold inhumanity.

That camera lens doesn’t care about you. It doesn’t hear you. It doesn’t respond to you.  It feels nothing for you.

And yet that lens is your ONLY portal into the other person’s world.

Most people look at that lens like it’s a piece of furniture.

It is, of course.  But if you look at that lens like it’s a piece of furniture while you’re talking, your eyes will be empty, dead, flat. When the other person sees you, you might look very “professional”, but there won’t be any life in your eyes.  Zero human connection between you.

To create that deep human connection, you have to look at the camera lens a certain way.

You have to look at the lens not only as if it were another human, and not only a human you care about.  That’s just the start. 

You have to look at that camera lens like you are looking into the eyes of a human who cares about you, even loves you. 

You probably haven’t seen yourself, your face, your eyes, when someone who loves you looks into your eyes.

I’ve had a front row seat studying all forms of communication for over 30 years.

I’ve also had, and have, much love in my life.  Much love I have given, much love given to me. 

Love transforms.

I know what you look like when someone who loves your looks into your eyes. Your eyes completely change.  They even change their shape. They come alive. They’re radiant. You are radiant. 

You never look more beautiful. You never look more handsome. Than this moment.

The human connection you create at that moment is at its most powerful.

It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing. It doesn’t matter how your hair looks. The true beauty that is you emerges from inside and radiates to the outside world, creating a spectacular, invincible human connection. 

The reason for this is that when someone who loves you looks into your eyes, it triggers within you a feeling of mutual affinity, and from your eyes pours out a beautiful expression of spontaneous affinity and caring.

This is the ESSENCE of human connection. 

It has no borders. It transcends culture. I know. I have delivered our programs in 42 countries. There isn’t one country where this isn’t true.

It even transcends the physical universe.

If you create this experience when you’re virtual, you will have a conversation like no other.

Actually, you have to realize that when you’re virtual, to be effective, you MUST transcend the physical universe.  

The physical universe is a trap. It’s designed to trap you into thinking you can’t connect with the person on the other side.

You have to elevate yourself to a realm of human experience and creative imagination that transcends this.

No, it’s not easy. The first pitfall you’re going to encounter is the camera lens itself. That cold, unfeeling, unresponsive piece of furniture you need to look directly into.

BUT, when you look into the camera lens, refuse to be fooled. Refuse to see a camera lens.

Look into that lens and see a pair of eyes and a wonderful human who loves you.

So much in life is designed to kill the imagination we’re natively born with.  Re-activate yours. 

You’re capable of great imagination.  You’re capable of great love.

Look into that lens, and refuse to be trapped by the physical universe.   You are greater than it. Create a reality that transcends this cold one with your imagination.

It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about. Finance, other numbers, your product, dry legal stuff, engineering data, strategy, sales results, doesn’t matter.

The truth is that you ARE talking to a human being, someone who has awareness and a heart.

Tap into that awareness and heart, yours and theirs.  

It’s a new universe you’ll create. You’ll find it easily conquers the physical universe and opens the virtual portal for you to cross through and create a rich, meaningful conversation and relationship on the other side. 

I can assure you that people are hungrier than ever for rich, real, three-dimensional, full experience conversations.

Especially in the business world.  Thousands upon thousands of human beings are sitting in front of a flat computer screen, longing for a REAL human face in front of them.

The world is starved for REAL human connections.

Right now if you can create that for the world around you, you are more valuable, more precious than jewels.  You will be showered with more gratitude than you’ve ever had in your life.

And the personal satisfaction from these connections will feed your, and their, very soul. 

If you need help, then get the coaching we offer to move you through the steps towards  mastery.  It doesn’t take long and it’s life-changing.

Also, I’ve announced a very special free workshop I’ll be delivering in January so you can start off the New Year filled with greatness.  Here’s the link if you want to awaken the power inside you.

Be the cause!

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Your heart need shelter nowhere

Peter, an executive I just coached, sent me a 1:15 minute video he recorded of holiday greetings that he’s planning to send to his worldwide team.

I forwarded it to Janet, our Lead Trainer, and she emailed back, “Oh, that is SO nice, so warm and sincere.  I’d want to work for him.”

Peter reaches you with his eyes. It’s so powerful, your computer monitor disappears.  Peter is right there in front of you, only a foot away.  His sincere message, simply delivered, flies unobstructed, straight to your heart.

It’s an experience.

Peter is not being “corporate”.  He’s not like anyone else.  He is uniquely himself, just as you are uniquely yourself.  That shines through.

Even in the first 1:15 minutes that you see him, Peter is someone you want to work for. That alone qualifies him as a leader.

What Peter was doing is one of the most difficult things to do.  He was communicating what is called “direct to camera”.  No humans in the room. Just Peter and the camera.

What does this have to do with you?

I have no doubt you have been extensively virtual this past year, way more than you ever expected.

Me too.  I never expected this year to look this way.  I’ve been coaching hundreds and hundreds of people, trapped in a format that’s stripped of soul and humanity, on how to make their virtual communications, relationships and presentations rich and meaningful.

When all this first started, we expected it to be over in two weeks. Two weeks felt endless, but we could endure it.

Two weeks turned into the better part of a year, with no end in sight.   One marathon after another.  And yet another ahead.

I can assure you that people are hungrier than ever for rich, real, three-dimensional, full experience conversations.

Especially in the business world.  Thousands upon thousands of human beings are sitting in front of a flat computer screen, longing for a REAL human face in front of them.

The world is starved for REAL human connections.

Right now if you can create that for the world around you, you are more valuable, more precious than jewels.  You will be showered with more gratitude than you’ve ever had in your life.

And the personal satisfaction from these connections will feed your very soul.

But how do you do that? You’re sitting in front of a cold computer monitor facing an emotionless camera lens.  How do you create a beautiful world despite this life-deprived barrier of machinery?

Next week I’ll show you how to transform your relationship with your camera to achieve a powerful connection with each person you talk with.  I’ll show you how to transcend the physical universe.

And last week I wrote about a very special free workshop I’ll be delivering in January so you can start off the New Year filled with greatness.  Here’s the link if you want to awaken the power inside you.

In the meantime, do all you can to reach out to the world around you.

It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about.  It’s not just “business”.

It’s life.  It’s us.

Refuse to disconnect your heart. 

You may have to shelter at home, like we do in the San Francisco Bay Area. 

But your heart need shelter nowhere.  Not ever.

Let your heart reach the four corners of the globe.  On behalf of the world, we need and warmly welcome your heart and all you have to give.

Be the cause!

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Gratitude for the limitless

Thanksgiving has always been a profound holiday to me. We don’t celebrate a particular event or person. We celebrate the people in our lives, our love, their love, family and friendship.

We do it with too much food, love and laughter.

It reminds us what’s important.  It reminds us who we really are.

We’re unlimited in our ability to reach out and touch each other in ways that have great deep emotional and spiritual meaning and satisfaction. 

This is what distinguishes us as human beings, as humanity.

I was deeply moved by an email I received from one of our students in response to a recent  article I’d written.

He wrote:

“I seem to have so many great conversations with people out of the blue that inspire me and confirm that things aren’t as bad in this world/country as it appears.  I find that if you take the initiative to inquire, speak, be friendly… people are normally so open to share and you are able to see the real side of people/humanity.  It’s so refreshing when it seems all we hear is the complete opposite. 

“I rode my motorcycle to the DMV yesterday to update my registration.  When I came back to my bike, there was an elderly lady in an SUV parked next to me with her door open.  It was obvious that there was some interest/curiosity there.  She made some complimentary remarks about my bike and inquired about what it’s like to ride.

So I naturally expressed how it made me feel, how the world looks different when riding and how great of a stress relief it is for me.  She obviously had thought about it before, because what I said seemed to confirm her thinking. 

She mentioned how she likes to understand other people’s perspectives on things. I mentioned that we should all be that way on so many issues.  We talked for a while about parts of the country we have visited, loved ones killed in tragic motorcycle accidents and other items of mutual interest.  

“I felt like I could sit down for coffee with this elderly black lady and talk about anything (race, politics you name it) and have a positive and productive, unintimidating conversation.

“You can’t imagine how refreshed I felt leaving there.  

“Not only did it give me a much better (and likely realistic) view of our country, but it also reinforced the power of communication and more specifically establishing a conversation based on listening and understanding what the “other” person has to convey first. It made my day.

“My lesson in this is to stop and talk to that person sitting on the bench, passing me on the street, in the grocery store or even at the DMV.  Imagine what a better world it would be If we all did this more often. This is precious, something you can’t bottle or buy in a store!”

This is who we really are.  Unlimited in our ability to reach out and touch each other in ways that have great deep emotional and spiritual meaning. 

Wishing you a beautiful, love-filled Thanksgiving, one that lifts you up and fills your soul.

Be the cause!

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The recipe for rebuilding relationships destroyed by politics

Sam’s daughter, Aisha, wasn’t talking to him.

His political views were so distasteful to her, she couldn’t even bear to look at him.

In their last conversation, Sam called Aisha naïve and immature.

That was the end. Aisha walked to her room and slammed the door.

Sam thought she’d get over it. She didn’t.

Day after day. Enemies.

The election and its aftermath made it worse.

I wish I could say that this is the only example I’ve heard where today’s politics created enemies. But, unfortunately, every day I’m learning about destroyed relationships.

Conversations ending either in anger or I can’t talk to you.

When Sam showed up for Causative Communication, he expected to learn how to handle comparatively easy situations, like leading a virtual multinational team of 1500 people through a crisis.

He had labeled the situation with Aisha as “impossible” and was simply hoping that 10 years from now, when Aisha was 27, she would have grown out of her fury.

Sam, with not a little sadness, told me, “Communication doesn’t always work.”

He’s right in one respect. Talking doesn’t always work. And if you confuse talking with communication, you’ll easily be deceived into believing that communication doesn’t always work. And you’ll lose in life.

But Sam’s problem wasn’t just that talking wasn’t working. Not talking wasn’t working either. As a matter of fact, it made things worse.

Seeing his daughter, whom he passionately loved from the moment her little body was born, now coldly and silently refusing to meet his eyes, ignoring him dinner after dinner, pierced Sam like nothing else could. If you want to rip a man’s heart out, this is how to do it.

Sam tried. And tried. Nothing worked.

So, he showed up in my life with no hope. I was happy he showed up. I hate human suffering in every form it takes.

I teach a very precise formula for communication. While the word formula sounds very cold, the result of using this formula is far from cold.

It’s actually VERY nice to have something that ALWAYS works. And results in the mending of broken relationships.

I’m going to talk about one element in the formula that Sam was omitting that kept hostility frozen in time.

That element was understanding.

Aisha’s point of view made Sam so angry, it barricaded him from any understanding. It actually made him a little crazy.

Sam disagreed with Aisha so thoroughly because his life experience had convinced him Aisha was WRONG. So wrong, that Sam believed that understanding her point of view was lowering himself into a reality that did not deserve understanding.

The only thing Sam “understood” was that Aisha was WRONG.

Fixating your attention on how wrong someone is, is as necessary an ingredient for conflict as chocolate is to chocolate cake.

Understanding simply means to perceive clearly. Sam wasn’t seeing clearly. He was seeing Aisha through a dark filter of disagreement, disappointment and anger.

In human relationships understanding simply means, seeing it from the other person’s point of view.

It doesn’t mean you agree with it. It doesn’t mean you like it. It simply means you can really see it from the other person’s point of view. That’s when you understand it.

Something happens naturally, organically, if you decide the other person is SO wrong you couldn’t possibly understand their point of view. Here’s what happens: They decide that you are so wrong, they couldn’t possibly understand you.

The more stubborn you become in your own conviction, the more stubborn they become in theirs.

It dead ends in conflict, anger and, “I can’t talk to you.”

You are actually in control of the outcome the whole time.

On the flip side, a funny thing happens naturally and organically when you understand the other person, when you GENUINELY see it from their point of view and then do a good job of letting them know you really understand.

The other person very naturally and GENUINELY reaches out to understand you.

You have a really good conversation and a beautiful feeling between you.

You are actually in control of the outcome the whole time.

Most people are too anxious, too frantic, to observe this.

Just look at the current political situation. It will supply you with more examples than you can even count.

A necessary adjunct to understanding is acknowledgment. That’s how you express your understanding.

Most people think an acknowledgment is the same thing as validating or agreeing with the person. It’s neither of these. And neither of these will work for a multitude of reasons.

How do you communicate an acknowledgement that is powerful and effective? Very few people know how. And that’s why people who don’t know how experience conflict.

This is why we spend a good number of workshop hours just on this, practicing and mastering the art of delivering a perfect acknowledgement.

It’s worth it because a perfect acknowledgment completely transforms the person, completely transforms the situation and makes conflict evaporate into thin air.

Sam wrote Aisha a long hand-written letter. The letter contained only one thing: understanding.

Sam wrote about everything Aisha had said to him, each point she had made, each belief she had, each value she held dear.

Sam took them one at a time. He reflected on each one. He made sure he understood each one from her point of view. And then Sam wrote, letting Aisha know he really understood her. It was very heart felt.

Although it was just as strong as ever, it wasn’t time to talk about it and Sam never once wrote about his own point of view. He never judged or evaluated hers. He didn’t offer any opinions. He simply really understood Aisha and let her know it, point by point.

No apology. No justification. Pure understanding. All by itself.

It took Sam several days to get the letter just right. He ended with “I love you”.

Sam sealed the letter in an envelope with Aisha’s name and slid it under her door.

Hours passed.

Right before dinner, Aisha’s door opened.

Her eyes met Sam’s. In them, Sam saw something he hadn’t seen for months: love. And the tears of a young woman. Sam opened his arms.

They’ve been talking ever since. Rich, rewarding conversations. Filled with understanding. And love.

The love was always there. But it won’t show its face when understanding is missing.

Sam wrote me: “It’s amazing. Aisha and I are having good conversations now.”

Seeing things from the other person’s point of view isn’t the same as agreeing. It also doesn’t mean that you give up your own point of view.

It does mean that you expand to include others’ points of view. In a world with 8 billion people, that’s very likely a good idea.

As someone who’s helped thousands of people, it’s not as difficult as it seems. It gets easier the more you do it. It’s magic. And nothing else works.

Wishing you only good relationships.

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Freeing yourself from your limit myth

The group was holding their breath.  I could feel it.  I was coaching Victoria, a young high-level executive, on her virtual presentation skills. 

You could feel the fierce battle going on inside her. Victoria desperately wanted to become a fabulous public speaker.  She had written me before the workshop:

“I dream of being so masterful in front of an audience that I can instantly make a persuasive impression. Unfortunately, I wasn't born with this talent.”

As badly as Victoria wanted this, she had just hit her limit. She had improved greatly, was doing much, much better, but had hit the ceiling of what she felt she could do.

I was helping her lose the self-consciousness that kept her tied up in knots. I was coaching her on creating an intensity of connection with the audience and speaking straight from the purity and strength of intention within her.

I could see a great ability was in reach and I was asking her for more.  

Victoria’s eyes were pleading with me, please don’t make me do this again.

She had just done the BEST she had ever done in her life.  It had taken all her strength. Now she just wanted to retreat. 

I gently told her I would like her to do it again.  And this time, to free that intention within her from all restraint and give it a full 100%. 

Even though we were virtual, I could feel the group’s sympathy for Victoria and their disbelief that I was suggesting she push past her limit.

As she considered my request, a change came over Victoria. A determination followed by boldness appeared in her eyes.  They filled with intensity and power.  With calm, unshakable strength and presence, she faced directly into the camera.  She suddenly looked big.  The corporate world had never seen this Victoria.

She looked at me and with a grin said, “Let’s do it.”

And then Victoria smoothly hit it out of the park.  It was so profound and so beautiful, I almost cried.

The audience was breathless. Victoria was radiant. And best of all, she had complete certainty this ability was now hers forever.

Mission accomplished.

“I can’t” was turned into “I did.  And I can do it again.”

In our workshops we ask you to accomplish magic with your communication and your presentations. 

We gently help you push past your limits. One after the other.

Why do I push you past your limits?

Because you don’t have any.

That’s the simple truth.

Did anyone tell you that you do?  They were wrong.

You have no limits. None.

If they were real, I couldn’t get you past them.

Only your own thoughts are capable of stopping you.  And you can command those.

My purpose is to encourage and help you be unstoppable as you create understandings and inspiration in the world around you.

Next time you think you’ve hit a limit to what you can do, get the idea, “I don’t see any limits.  None.  There’s nothing I can’t do.”  Spend one moment looking out at life with this idea.

See what that does for you.  Your own eyes might fill with power and determination.

And know that I’m with you in spirit whenever you do it, grinning and silently cheering you on, because I know how true it actually is.

Be the cause!

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Unraveling the authenticity surprise

Last week I wrote our Mastering Virtual Presentations graduates are frequently told they’re authentic.  And how this happens naturally, completely without effort, when they’re comfortable, filled with well-being and a strong feeling of affinity for their audience.

This beautiful combination of emotions breathes life into a compelling authenticity that enraptures their audience.

I also wrote about how surprised audiences are when they see it.  Their delight is sudden and quite surprised.

Usually in these Causative Communication articles I give you answers. This week I’m going to give you questions.  I’m sure you have answers for them within you.

First question:

Why is it that in large corporations people are so SURPRISED when they see someone being this kind of authentic during a presentation?  Not just executives, but at every level of the organization?

Second question:

Would anyone in your organization be surprised if you were this kind of authentic?  Why would that be?

Third question:

Is this important?

I’m interested in hearing how you see it.  Just email me and let me know …

Be the cause!

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Why I never coach on being “authentic”

Danny was completely taken aback. He had just made a breakthrough in his ability to give virtual presentations. The others in the workshop showered him with kudos.  One particular aspect of his presentation received overwhelming praise.  Many voices said, “That was so authentic!” The audience LOVED it.

Danny turned to me in complete confusion.  I had not coached him at all on being authentic.  Even more puzzling, Danny had not felt inauthentic in any way before. And yet everyone was telling him he was now suddenly authentic.

I’ve seen this a lot.  Our graduates frequently hear, “That was so authentic”. Their audiences always love it.  And them.

It’s peculiar because I never coach for being more authentic. Only for communicating more effectively.

So, what’s happening here?

Previously, when Danny was giving presentations, his attention was distracted by many things: his material, feeling like he was performing, apprehensive that he was being judged, concerned about how he was coming across, a little worried about the outcome, wishing he could see their faces so he could gauge their reactions, thinking about what he was going to say next, and keeping an eye on the clock.

So you can understand why Danny was tense. Tense comes from the Latin word tendo, meaning stretched.  Danny was stretched.

I’ve worked with large corporations for over 30 years. Professionals and executives at every level are used to feeling tense.  It’s normal. Feeling completely comfortable is not.

Watching your back is normal.  Being relaxed is not.

After a while, being slightly tense, or even very tense, is habitual.

You tell someone to relax, they look at you puzzled and say, “I AM relaxed!”  They never notice they’re not.

And they don’t notice how cold they’ve become. They are completely shocked when they see their own videos.  They don’t realize that this constant worry depletes their natural affinity for others.

My coaching helped Danny become completely COMFORTABLE.  At ease.  Unworried.

This set the foundation for his next step, allowing himself to LIKE the people in his audience.  And to really feel it as he presented to them.

You don’t tell your audience that you have affinity for them. That’s not the point. You just have to FEEL it.

A funny thing happens when you’re completely comfortable. A happiness inside you grows.

Another funny thing happens when you feel real affinity for others. The happiness inside you grows bigger, spills over into your relationships and sparks that affinity in the people you’re talking to.

Then it snowballs.

Suddenly, everyone is relaxed, comfortable, happy and filled with a strong liking for you and for each other, filled with a really good feeling.

It’s a feeling.  It’s not what you’re thinking. It’s not your words. It’s not what you say. It’s a feeling.

It supersedes logic. It actually commands logic.

You have a tremendous potential and capacity for affinity.  When you tap into it, magic happens.

And, if you’re in one of my workshops, suddenly everyone is telling you, “You are so authentic.”

This triggers a series of profound questions.

Authentic means genuine.  It comes from a Greek word meaning straight from the author. In other words, direct from you.

The opposite of authentic is contrived, which means invented, the idea being that when you’re not authentic, you’re inventing yourself in a way to please others, and that makes you not genuine.

When you start thinking you have to please others or come across a certain way, you start performing, not communicating. That will make you tense.

It’s possible you receive a tremendous amount of personal “feedback” on what you need to do to please others.

If you listen and follow all this “advice”, what happens to the real you?

And why is it that, when I coach people and they achieve a state of being completely comfortable and they’re filled with genuine affinity for the people they’re talking to, that the world tells them, they are being truly authentic?

Most importantly, after hearing so many of my students be told they’re authentic, I have this question for you:  Is being comfortable and being filled with affinity for others possibly the REAL you?

If it is, what would happen if you revitalized this (or any) aspect of the real you fully in all your relationships?  In your virtual meetings and presentations?  What would happen if this was how you lived your life?

Be the cause!

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The leader in the mirror

Julian is 28 years old and earns about as much in one month as most people make in a year.

He’s a highly talented negotiator working for a powerful investment firm, regularly closing multi-million dollar deals.

Julian swaggers when he walks.  He glances, but doesn’t really look, AT you.

He’s a guy you admire from a distance but don’t warm up to.  In many ways, Julian looks like he just stepped out of a movie. Handsome and intimidating.

But there is no warmth, and no soul.

His boss told him to get some coaching to develop leadership skills, which sent Julian into some serious self-scrutiny. He picked me as a coach because he could tell I understood him and because I work with people his age.  He chose one-on-one coaching because he wanted to really let his hair down in our sessions.

All of the leaders Julian had encountered in his brief but successful career are intimidating.  They create reverence with their success, their incredible wealth, the names on their client list, their mansions and fast cars, their air of superiority.

These were Julian’s leadership role models.

It didn’t take him long to slip into designer shoes and imitate their arrogance.  His rapid financial success confirmed the wisdom of this approach to life.

The problem was, Julian was not only NOT connecting with others, the problem was, he was no longer connected with himself.  And he was terrified of doing so.

Terrified that if he dropped this persona, he would no longer be successful. He would be considered weak, average, ordinary, nothing special.  Quite simply, a loser.

He had come to believe that the way to achieve respect is to overawe people. That more than anything, you have to be impressive, to impress.  In his words, “You have to be cool.”

In our first session, as Julian grew to trust me, he leaned forward and with a very penetrating look said, “My soul feels empty.”

No surprise.

Many future leaders come to me wanting to learn how to impress others. There’s a very false idea out there that being an effective leader means you need to be impressive.

We spent a number of sessions stripping away everything that was NOT Julian.  And then we spent the rest of our time working on how to communicate effectively.

Afterward he wrote me:

“Society had taught me that to be cool and to swagger was very important. I learned from you that being earnest works even better.

“I tried using the skills I learned from you during a major negotiation and was tremendously successful.  I am now negotiating 150% revenue of what I was before.  I learned that being earnest is actually way more cool.

“It’s like I was wearing sunglasses, even inside, when I was talking to people.  Now I’ve taken the sunglasses off and I am really looking at others and connecting with them.

“My experience of people is so much better.   I thoroughly enjoy it.  I feel more fulfilled. I am much more effective when I want to get something done.  I’m able to slow down, stop and truly connect. It’s now snowballed into more and more parts of my life.  I truly see how powerful this is.  It’s how I want to live my life.”

So, what is it that Julian learned?  He learned that the leader anyone should follow is within.

Yes, that leader should learn how to communicate effectively. 

But finding that true leader, following that true leader, the one within, that’s the right and best leader for you.  That’s where your best leadership lessons will come from.

Be the cause!

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How future leaders get ruined

He said it with a little laugh, but that didn’t make it any less true:

“I’m an engineer.  We don’t have feelings.”

People from all over the world were attending my online training Mastering Virtual Presentations.  Michael was in the UK.

I was coaching him as part of a demonstration on how to create rapport with your audience.

I wish I could say it was the first time I ever heard those words.  I do a lot of work with technical leaders from many industries, and this phrase shows up frequently.

Where does it come from? People are not born with a special engineering/technical gene that’s also missing feelings.

If there’s one thing that human beings are born with, it’s feelings.  And we are born with a lot of them!

And when we start life, we know what they are!  A two-year-old has no uncertainty, doubts, confusion, or ambiguity.  Whatever they’re feeling, it’s as clear as a sunny day.  To them.  And to you.

When we go to school we expect to be taught reading, writing and arithmetic.  We don’t expect to be taught what to feel.

Yet there is an extremely powerful covert operation going on to teach us exactly that.

There’s a huge problem with this. We already know what we’re feeling, thank you very much!  And that IS what we’re feeling!

Yet others determinedly decide to have a say in the matter.  So we are incessantly rewarded and punished as a way of getting us to replace our actual emotions with synthetic substitutes.  “You shouldn’t feel that way. You should feel this way.”  “Don’t be so enthusiastic. Can’t you be calm about this?”  “You’re not bored, you’re unmotivated.”  (Forget that the teacher is as boring as watching the grass grow.  That’s not her fault!  It’s yours!) “You’re not in love.  You’re infatuated.”  “You need to learn to control your emotions.”  “You should love math!”  “How can you like him?  He’s no good!”  “But you’ve GOT to like Aunt Agatha!  She’s your aunt!”  “Stop having fun!  You need to be serious, corporate and professional now!”

In other words, “Stop being so alive!  Stop acting on your feelings!  Stop feeling what you’re feeling, feel what I tell you to feel and, for heaven’s sake, sit still!”

We sit still, our feelings are suppressed and gradually “socially acceptable” ones take over.

We become afraid to publicly feel what we’re really feeling.  So when we do get a strong feeling, we keep it private and only tell the very few people we trust.

I don’t imagine that Michael took a class when he was studying engineering called Appropriate Feelings for Engineers 101.  But I’ve worked with many engineers, and by the time they graduate, a lot of them have a Ph.D. in how engineers are “supposed” to feel.

The problem is they’re not supposed to feel anything.

They’re only supposed to think and reason.

And now years later, in addition to being a technology genius, Michael wants to be a leader of people.  He’s giving a presentation to a virtual audience and he wants to create rapport with them.  

You see the problem?

Who wants a leader who doesn’t feel anything?

Amongst the many feelings that people learn to suppress, there’s one in particular that, when lost, robs them of their humanity, their soul.

That one is called affinity. You can think of it as love or liking.  And I specifically mean, your affinity for other people, how much you like or love them.

When your natural affinity is restrained or extinguished, you are to that degree a ghost of your former self.

Michael’s presentations were technically brilliant.  He is super smart, eloquent, articulate and expresses his ideas well.

But his affinity for others was silenced, making his heart and facial expression detached and impersonal.  And I can assure you that, regardless of how many people he has in the audience, whether 3 or 300, their facial expressions will be also be deadpan and unmoved.

They may be interested in the topic, but their hearts and faces will be passionless. And very soon a number of them will disengage and start multitasking.

I asked Michael if he liked the people he’s talking to in his audience.  With an indifferent, matter-of-fact tone and a little shoulder shrug he said, “Yeah, sure.”

That’s not genuine affinity.  

The problem Michael was having is that he’s been forbidden to feel or express affinity for so many years, it’s trapped inside him.  He couldn’t even reach it.

As I coached him, it’s very important that you know I was NOT trying to make him feel a certain way.  That would have been compounding the crime that had already been committed on him.

What I was doing was rehabilitating a natural feeling that had been beaten into hiding. I was bringing it back to life.  It doesn’t take long.

As the affinity inside him grew, something amazing happened.  Everything about Michael’s face changed.

I don’t know how many muscles a human face has.  I read it was some ridiculously high number like 40.  Every single one of Michael’s 40 facial muscles moved into a different position and totally changed how he looked. 

Michael’s eyes also changed completely.  That in itself totally transformed how he looks at you through the camera.  His eyes now have incredible aliveness, great warmth and a definite twinkle. (Yes, he is now an engineer with a twinkle in his eye!) 

Michael suddenly looked younger.

And then, as a natural result of all that, the smile that appeared is that of an angel.

Feeling affinity did that.  How powerful is that?

The warmth radiating from Michael transcended all the technology we were using to communicate. He no longer felt like he was behind a computer screen, miles across a wide ocean, on the other side of the world.  

It feels like Michael’s sitting right here in front of you. And the warmth that his eyes are emanating fills your own heart and your soul with huge warmth and happiness.

All of us in the session, spanning many continents, were suddenly smiling.  And smiling and smiling and smiling and smiling.

We were in total rapport with him.

Michael created that.

If you start paying attention, you’ll notice the overt, and frequently covert, operation in play, telling you to subdue your happiness with, and love, for others. You don’t need this tampering with your affection.  

You have a natural affinity, even a beautiful, natural love for others, inside you. The only side effect of letting it grow is that others begin feeling a beautiful, natural love for you.

Let yourself feel it. Then talk.  See what happens.

Genius plus rapport, that’s what makes a true leader of people.

Be the cause!

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The day Sarah made me cry

We all had tears in our eyes. Sarah is an exec in the C-suite of a successful organization.  This senior leadership team completed the intensive Causative Communication Coaching Summit

and now, a month later in our follow up session, they were talking about the wins they experienced in the preceding month.

This was personal.

Sarah‘s 12-year-old son, Jason, had hit a stage where he wouldn’t look at her.  Never.  He defiantly turned his head away from every conversation.

Can you imagine the pain wrenching her heart? The overwhelming sadness that you’ve lost your boy. Physically he’s still in the house, but she’s lost his eyes.  She’s lost his heart. She’s lost his trust. She’s lost that feeling of being connected to her son.

The most painful realization is knowing that saying, “I’d like you to look at me when we talk to each other” does no better than produce a look of resentment you never want to see in your son’s eyes.

What I love about Causative Communication is that you learn simple truths that require light energy and produce powerful outcomes.

We spend a lot of time on the concept of affinity. This is one of the most misunderstood, undervalued, underutilized and INDISPENSABLE elements of emotionally satisfying human relationships.

I’m going to dedicate several issues of these articles exploring what affinity accomplishes.

Affinity ISN’T what you’re thinking. Affinity is what you’re FEELING.

It’s how much you like or love them in that moment.  And how much you’re feeling it.

A mother would naturally say, “Of course I love my son!” And, of course, we know it’s true.

But, IN THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW – are you FEELING it?

You’ll hear: “Well, no!  He won’t look at me!”

The ability to create that affinity within yourself is one of the HIGHEST capabilities we humans possess.

It’s an ability.  And, just like any other ability, it needs to be activated.

After Sarah’s coaching session, she knew her #1 priority for applying what she’d learned:  Jason.

Soon after, Jason happened to oh-so-briefly glance at Sarah while she was talking to him.  He did a double take.  He saw something in her eyes that hadn’t been there.

Sarah was filled with great affinity for him and it was reflected in her eyes. That’s where it lives to the outside world.

He looked back at her, exploring her eyes, trying to identify what he was seeing, because it was so new.  

As he looked at her, Sarah’s affinity for him grew and there was even more in her eyes.

Wide-eyed, Jason looked at her. And looked, and looked, and looked.  Then, magically, his eyes filled with affinity.

Their relationship, their conversations, completely transformed at that point. She had her son back.

A mother often looks at her newborn baby with love pouring from her eyes. The baby looks back, matching her affinity. This affinity, these looks, diminish over time.  Parents give their growing children, especially teenagers, very critical looks as they watch them.  Totally different.  And they get totally different results in their relationships.

And don’t even get me started at how we look at each other when we work in large corporations!

Do we need this affinity when we’re babies, but discard that need as adults?

Hardly.

It’s the easiest thing in the world to bring these beautiful looks, these beautiful eyes, back.  All you have to do is really feel great affinity, and it will show in your eyes and create magic.

Affinity always creates magic.  Gently over time, even the most drastic of relationships can be restored.  And good relationships can flourish like never before.

You can’t wait for the other person to go first.  But if you do want them to go first, get them reading my articles and attending my coaching sessions.  Otherwise, you’re the leader. 

At one of our coaching sessions this week, one of our students asked, “Should I have affinity even when I’m talking to senior executives?”

Answer:  It doesn’t matter if it’s your 12-year-old son, your CEO, or a colleague you haven’t been getting along with.  Affinity always produces the most magical effect.  Want to see it for yourself?  It’s easy enough.  Feel it.  Then go talk to them.

Causative Communication is about having real answers. This is one of them.

Be the cause!

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My vision of the future

I teach something that’s totally different.  Something you never learn in school.  I teach people how to be causative.

Being causative means that’s how you operate. You make something happen.

From the outside, it looks like magic, even though it’s not.

Being causative means you continuously direct the course of your conversations to make life turn out the way you want.

The people who say that’s not possible are the ones who don’t know how. There are many of them.  Don’t listen to them.  What they say won’t help you.

The truth is that there are very natural formulas for being causative that always work.

The reason people like what I teach, why they like these formulas, is they like things that are natural and always work.

What’s amazing is that even one component of these formulas is enough to create miracles.

I got an email this week from a graduate of Building a Foundation for Causative Communications that said:

“I want to tell you that participating in the class has really helped me.  Confession: I've been slacking off in the way I communicate, especially with my wife.  I have started putting my FULL 100% attention on her when we are talking. Wow!  What a HUGE difference!  You have saved me from going down that dark road of unhappy marriages.  I'm real excited about keeping this part of the formula in play ALL the time!”

I teach many people every week.  My inbox is flooded with their success stories.

I use money to put gas in my car and buy fresh vegetables at the farmers’ market.  But my real pay comes in the form of these success stories, talking to my students long after the class is over and hearing the happiness in their voices.

My message to the world is that there is something called REAL communication. It does NOT include all talking.

How you know it’s REAL communication is that real communication, whether you’re asking for a promotion, negotiating a deal, navigating a difficult conversation or talking to your 17-year-old, always produces these results:

• Understanding

• A great feeling of affinity between you (warmth, liking, even love)

• Positive outcome you’re really happy with (and they are too)

It takes SKILL to be causative in all conversations, to always create these outcomes. 

It doesn't take any skill to create unpleasant conversations, disagreement, a fear of speaking up, conflict, or unsatisfying relationships. 

Being causative takes real skill.  Real skill takes work.  No one won the Olympic gold on talent alone.  Or just with a positive attitude.

I have a vision of a much, much happier world, filled with people who can make things happen simply by communicating extremely well.  In their personal lives, at work, and in society. A world filled with happy people creating REAL communication in every area of their lives.

My graduates demonstrate it can be done.  Every day we are closer.  Don’t settle for less.

Be the cause!

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How to “recharge your batteries” with a full day of meetings!

Melissa’s days are one virtual meeting after another.  They make her tired.  By the end of many hours spent in front of her computer screen, she’s depleted.  Giving presentations is the most draining.

She’s not alone.  I’ve heard this from a good number of people. 

Melissa, like many, made the mistake of thinking that being virtual caused her energy drain.  Her exact words were, “Being virtual all day long is exhausting.”

If this is happening to you, I can assure you, it’s not because you’re virtual.

It’s not that you shouldn’t get outside, because you should.

But what makes a person tired or energized, whether virtual or in-person, has everything to do with the quality of communication that you experience throughout your day.

See if this isn’t true:

Even a one-hour unsatisfying or frustrating meeting will leave you de-energized.  Trying to pay attention to 30 minutes of uninspired boredom will sap the life out of you.  A lousy conversation will leave you feeling wasted.  A meaningless conversation will leave you feeling empty.  Giving a presentation with no response from the audience can leave you feeling dead. 

Just a couple of these in one day can make you need to lie down at 5 pm.

You’re putting energy out, but no energy is coming back and you get depleted.  It affects you physically.

Real human connections and great conversations don’t do that. 

Real human connections and great conversations are energizing.

They breathe life into you.

Think about it.

Melissa’s problem, like for many people, was not knowing how to create real human connections, how to make really great interactions and presentations happen when she’s virtual.

The most common thing I hear is, “But I can’t see them!  I can’t see their reactions! I can’t create a human connection if I can’t see them!”

When someone says this, it tells me they don’t understand what real human connection is all about.

If it were true that you have to see people to connect with them, blind people would never be able to make deep human connections.  And this is far from the truth.

Take three amazing blind men:  Stevie Wonder, Andrea Bocelli and Ray Charles.  

They never saw anyone.  Yet they each created, and continue to create, timeless and deep human connections with tens of millions of people around the world.

The human connections these three blind men create are pure magic.  Everyone who’s talked to them in person speaks of it too.

You might say, “Sure I could do that, if I could sing like they can.”

But you actually CAN do it with words, with the ability to create REAL communication, REAL interchange with another person, REAL rapport with many people at one time when you’re giving a presentation.

Creating a deep human connection goes WAY beyond in-person visual perception. 

Whether you’re speaking, writing, emailing, singing, painting or using sign language … and whether you have sight or are blind … the following IS true.

Real human connections are created by the ability to SEE and FEEL people with OTHER senses besides your eyes, by the QUALITY of how you express yourself, by your ability to REACH others with powerful understanding, real meaning, unrestrained, overwhelming affinity and a commanding intention.

These are all ABILITIES you can master and use to create a powerful, and even emotional, impact, REGARDLESS of whether or not your eyes ever see the other person.

I know you can do it because I teach people how to do it every day.

Melissa dedicated herself to learning how and now her days are powered with the skills she developed during both Causative Communications and Mastering Virtual Presentations. 

She now leaves meetings satisfied, leaves her presentations energized, flying high.

But, in her own mind, what’s best of all, is that she’s energizing everyone she talks to.  After a challenging presentation she emailed me:

“I could not see the people, but I felt their energy, and there was no stopping me.  Lots of positive feedback including from my boss.  Afterward some told me they even got goose bumps.”

And everyone wants her in their meetings.  Of course they do!  She wipes out their tiredness and makes them feel refreshed, new again.

Being able to make this happen is energizing.  It gives you the BEST kind of energy.

You’re capable of creating that kind of magic in your own life.

If you’re tired at the end of the day, RAISE the QUALITY of your communication and your relationships.

I’m not trying to get you to do my training as much as I’m trying to tell you that you are fully capable of it, that this is all inside you, waiting to come out.   

Of course, if you’d like a guide to get you there fast, that’s what I love to do and I’m here for you.

Be the cause!

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What I’m hearing now more than ever

I have coached almost 1,000 people since this all began. from individual contributors to CEOs.

The phrase I’m hearing more than any other, and more than I’ve ever heard in the past, is the expression, making a deep human connection.

People are longing for this connection. Eager to know how to create it, despite the big chunks of metal sitting in front of them, and the many miles separating the other person.

They’re wishing for this connection from you. In this article I’ll tell you how.

I was coaching a group of executives last week on this very building block of Causative Communications. They had an important message to communicate.

But they came across as disconnected, distant and, quite frankly, like uncaring corporate robots.

This isn’t who they really are.

They’re people just like you and me. They’re intimidated by being alone in a room, feeling like they have to perform, feeling like they’re being judged and talking to a camera that is dead, dead, dead.

And that’s how they came across. Dead, dead, dead.

What makes me a really good coach is that I clearly perceive and discern the difference between how a person is being and who they really are.

For a variety of reasons, reasons that I won’t get into in this article, people are not being who they really are. Too many times they don’t even know who they really are.

Who they’re being is who they think they’re supposed to be, except that they’re often very confused about even about who that is.

When you work in a large corporation, you think you’re supposed to be corporate and professional. And most people don’t fully understand what that is either.

When you’re dealing with communication, who you’re supposed to be is someone who makes a REAL human connection and communicates effectively.

It has nothing to do with your hand gestures. It comes from deep within you.

My job is to help people (like you) find this part of themselves (it’s actually easy because I know where to look).

And then help them express themselves and handle whatever comes back to them so as to build outstanding relationships, incredible understandings and positive outcomes. The three outcomes that always accompany REAL communication.

This results in joy.

I know you’re stuck at home and everyone you’re talking to is on the other side of your computer screen.

If you want to experience deep human connections, you have to create them. You’ll want to do what the group of execs I was coaching are doing.

Make the technology between you and the other person disappear. Create the feeling that you are right there with them and that they are right there with you inches from your face.

Create that deeply personal eye contact that happens in the best relationships.

Talk with them like you’re having an intimate conversation and no one‘s listening.

That’s what brings out the best in you. That’s what brings out the best in them. That’s what creates a deep human connection.

These executives, when they did this, were absolutely amazing.

In reality, we were all over the world. I was sitting at my dining room table.

But I felt like each of them was sitting around the table with me. And we were having a very real, very warm, very intimate, very caring, personal conversation.

I was swept away. The technology had melted away. I fell in love with each of them.

A couple of hours before, they had been strangers. They had been “corporate and professional”. Formal. Lips were smiling, surface was pleasant. But they were emotionally chilly. And kind of scary.

By the end of the coaching, we all just wanted to hang out. I felt so connected, I knew I was going to miss each one of them dreadfully as soon as the call was over.

They left me with a lingering good feeling. I got off the live meeting and was still smiling for hours after. I have no doubt each one of them was too.

It’s not so important that they created this impact on me. Or on each other. What’s important is that they now are able to create this impact on EVERYONE they talk with. Virtually and in person.

This is true power.

The world is longing for a deep human connection from you. The best thing you can do right now is to reach out to them, make the technology and distance disappear, and create it.

That is the work I do. Let me know when this journey (and its great, great rewards) calls to you.

Be the cause!

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Demanding better and making it happen

Last week, Mark came out of his virtual meetings feeling drained. This week he’s leaving each meeting exhilarated.

For the past several months, a new management team struggled with (in their words) lack of trust and suspicion. This week, they’re filled with great affinity for each other and are finding great pleasure in working together.

Last week, Andy and his wife were getting on each other’s nerves after being confined to their house for so long. This week, they’re enjoying being together and having the best conversations ever, so happy they found each other again.

Last week, Lisa, a millennial, felt disrespected and dismissed by the people she worked with, and resented them deeply for it. This week, they’re coming to her for her opinions and she loves them all.

What happened to these people?

A transformation happened. A transformation facilitated by an increase in their abilities.

It all happened with only TWO steps.   Here’s how to take them:

• Step 1 (the only step that starts you down this road):   Your decision that existing reality is not as good as you demand it to be in order for you to be happy.

• Step 2:  Learning.  The only way of gaining the ability to transform existing reality into that dream within you that will make you happy.

It’s easy to move furniture around to change a scene. But we live in a world of people. And transforming our lives ultimately means transforming these relationships.  People aren’t furniture.  They don’t like being moved around.  They talk back.  And they refuse to move.

That’s why the most important ability is communication. The ability to be fully understood and to respond to what comes back to you in a way that creates a shift in reality.

Create enough shifts, and you’ve changed your life.

How long does it take?  One conversation, if you’re good at it.

I’ve seen too many people learn to live with dissatisfaction and explain it away as a necessary part of life. I don’t know how many times people have said to me, “You can’t always be happy.”

Yes you can.

The one psychologist I ever went to see in my life during my first (and last) visit said, “The problem with you, Ingrid, is that you expect to be happy ALL the time.”

I thought to myself, “Absolutely! Isn’t that what this is all about?”

And I decided if he thought that was a problem, I could help him a whole lot more than he could help me. He wasn’t asking me for help, so I chit-chatted with him a bit and left with a warm and friendly (but final) goodbye.

I am pretty much happy all the time.  Do you know why? Because I spent my life learning how to communicate and I can do it.  Because gaining this key ability makes you causative.  Because being happy is what being causative does.

I very much want others (you) to be happy all the time too.  All the time.   And what makes me happiest is teaching and seeing people (you) increase their communication abilities, feel better about themselves and about the world.

Nothing helped me become causative more than the skills I now teach to others.  These abilities enable me to navigate the trickiest, the most complex and challenging conversations (and people) to create outstanding relationships and outcomes worth celebration.  Every day.

Just like the students I wrote about at the start of this article.  They’re happy.  And they’ll be happy tomorrow.

Keep increasing your abilities. There is no ceiling to stop their growth. The more you have, the happier you will be. Take those two steps.  Decide.  Learn.  Be nice to the people who tell you that you can’t be happy all the time, do the work and go ahead and be really happy anyway.

If you want someone to get you to that goal fast, then acquire the abilities I help you develop in Building a Foundation for Causative Communications and let’s get going.

Be the cause!

Ingrid

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