Gisele showed up for her coaching session with me and said, “I’m presenting really well now, I only have one stumbling block. Martin is blocking my proposal and I can’t go forward without him. He’s really stubborn. Won’t listen and he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.”
Why do people do that?
10 years ago, a man came in trying to sell me something. I felt sorry for him and decided to listen to what he had to say. I hadn’t listened for three minutes before I stopped him and said, “I’m not going to buy anything. But I’m going to coach you on your communication skills. Right now you’re not going to sell anything to anyone.” He smiled ruefully and said, “How did you know? I’m not making any sales, no one’s buying from me.”
There’s talking. Then there’s communicating. The difference between these two may not be visible to the average person, but is very visible in the effect you create on the other person and in the deep satisfaction of your outcome, including the relationship you develop.
What passes for listening in this world, oh it’s so sad. Especially when people disagree or their realities are quite different. The kind of listening that I see Beyond Persuasion graduates do is enough to turn your head. It’s enough to make a room go quiet because they know they’re witnessing something extraordinary.
Gisele showed up for her coaching session with me and said, “I’m presenting really well now, I only have one stumbling block. Martin is blocking my proposal and I can’t go forward without him. He’s really stubborn. Won’t listen and he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.”
Why do people do that?
10 years ago, a man came in trying to sell me something. I felt sorry for him and decided to listen to what he had to say. I hadn’t listened for three minutes before I stopped him and said, “I’m not going to buy anything. But I’m going to coach you on your communication skills. Right now you’re not going to sell anything to anyone.” He smiled ruefully and said, “How did you know? I’m not making any sales, no one’s buying from me.”
Most leaders assume communication transmits reality, that if the words are clear enough, they will see it.
But communication doesn’t transmit reality. It creates it.
That’s a subtle but seismic shift.
And that means every time you speak, especially at a senior level, you are not just sharing ideas. You are shaping how reality is experienced in the room.
My parents came to America from Lithuania with nothing. They had a beautiful life in the old country, and lost it all when the Soviets occupied their land and took it all away. I gained something infinitely valuable from them as they built a new life here. My parents showed me by example that the only real security we have is our innate ability to dream new realities and create them into being, abilities which nothing and no one can take away without our permission, and which they did so well.
I always think about what I learned from them as we go into a new year. I’m filled with a feeling that was well expressed by the great poet Ranier Maria Rilke, “And now let us believe in a long year that is given to us, new, untouched, full of things that have never been.”
This threshold into a new year is a beautiful time for self-reflection, for dreaming of the future.
I’m a first-generation immigrant. My parents came from Lithuania, right across the sea from Sweden.
We have a beautiful Christmas Eve tradition I think you’ll enjoy hearing about. It creates a very special moment.
Each person at the dinner table receives a large wafer of unleavened bread and we have communion.
You might have heard of “Holy Communion”, which is different. That’s when a Priest blesses the wafer and gives it special religious significance.
This Christmas Eve tradition of communion is not religious. If you look the word communion up in the dictionary, without the word “Holy” in front of it, it means:
The sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.
You can see it’s something special.
“We don’t need a reorganization.”
That simple sentence changed the fate of hundreds of people.
Bill came to me for coaching, but not with high hopes. His first words were, “I’m interested in anything you have to teach me, but I want you to know that I’m realistic and I know that there are many situations where communication doesn’t work.”
I’ve handled many difficult situations. Many difficult conversations. And I’ve spent my life helping others do the same.
I’ve seen people turn their losses around rapidly. I’ve also seen people who take a long time to recover.
The fastest, simplest and most effective way to turn around a bad situation, a bad conversation, or a bad relationship is this.
First, face the situation as it is. Don’t get drawn into “How it should have been”.
If someone is being difficult and you can walk away and not deal with them, I'm all for it. If you can go around them, or above them or go somewhere else, why waste your energy dealing with a difficult person if you don’t have to?
But there are times you can't choose to end that relationship, even though you may be able to walk away for a couple hours.
Sometimes you have a difficult boss, but no other job. Until you find another job, you can't afford to walk. Sometimes it’s immediate family that you can’t leave. What do you do then?
This article is about how to make other people’s faces light up when they see you.
At my farmer’s market on Sunday, the farmer where I buy broccoli every week, a man who is normally sullen and glum, lit up and started grinning when he saw me walking toward his vegetable stand.
Why did he do that? Because spectacular communication is rare in his life.
The staff of a senior executive in a major corporation complain he never makes time to meet with them. After my first meeting with him, he told me to always stop by his office to talk when I’m in the building. His face lights up when he sees me and he always makes time. He gives me his full attention. Our impromptu meetings often stretch to 30 or even 45 minutes.
Why does he do that? Because spectacular communication is rare in his life.
A Vice President known for never answering his emails always answers mine within hours.
Why does he do that? Because spectacular communication is rare in his life.
I haven’t even begun to tell you the results my clients get. Every day I get emails from our students about what happens when they apply the Communication Formula. They get equally spectacular results.
Real communication leaves you and the other person feeling really good.
One of the foundational, skills students gain in the Causative Communication course is the ability to BE THERE COMFORTABLY. This sounds insignificant to the untrained ear. Yet, without this ability as a base, no other communication skills function.
This is illustrated by an email I received from one of our students, Mariela. Mariela has a “Lioness” boss who crushes the spirit and destroys the self-esteem of all.
Mariela emailed me this after the course:
Sometimes my students write the best articles. I think you'll be inspired by this success story.
I've worked with MANY people who wanted to get promoted. They have tremendous technical expertise and many other abilities and fine qualities. The key differentiator that always ensures true recognition and significant success for them is gaining the ability to communicate at the high level of skilled communication that their lives require.
One gentleman, whose name is Krishna, perfectly illustrates this.
What happens between childhood and adulthood that makes adults so uncomfortable and tense about looking into each other’s eyes?
This is a question I ask myself often. In our Causative Communication Live! Workshop, I help the grown ups restore their lost ability to really LOOK at another person. And I always wonder how we let ourselves get so mixed up with so many confusing ideas about it.
What a group of successful execs will learn in Causative Communication, are the rules. Not the rules that I dreamed up, but the rules that are common to all human beings, crossing every border reaching every culture, every generation, rules that determine the winners and the losers, timeless rules deeply baked in to human nature, powerful rules that will still be active 500 years from now.
The first one they learn is unexpected. It’s foundational.
As I was teaching the concept of affinity, Bridget very bluntly told me she doesn’t have time for it. I told her that I understood, and with her busy schedule she certainly doesn’t have time to do anything additional that would add time. But I explained to her that affinity is not something you do in addition, it’s HOW you do what you’re ALREADY doing. It doesn’t take any time.
Copyright 2026 Effective Training Solutions. All Rights Reserved.