Beyond Persuasion
Ingrid Gudenas
Managing 12 people in a heated debate

The meeting transformed from conflict into a collaboration.

Coaching, Public Speaking, Presentations
Ingrid Gudenas
The seven-figure presentation

Where are you supposed to look when you’re presenting?

Beyond Persuasion, Causative Communication
Ingrid Gudenas
For those of you who are parents

It’s not surprising to me that our clients start applying what they’re learning at home, because it helps them do just that.

Beyond Persuasion
Ingrid Gudenas
Becoming a trusted advisor to the C-Suite

This is a story about an Executive Assistant whose communication skills were better than the executives she supported.

Beyond Persuasion
Ingrid Gudenas
When a “nobody” can influence the CEO

The ability to cause willingness in others will unlock the door to any outcome you want to achieve. Without it, you’ll stare at the door that is locked to you for a long time.

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How to make stage fright go away

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I have seen innumerable methods for attempting to vanquish stage fright. 

Bianca addresses groups of 3,000 customers at a time.  She’s in sales.  Her way of coping with terror was to run out on a large stage with very loud music, seemingly all “pumped up” and yell at the crowd, “Hey!  How's everybody doing?”   It was about as far from her true personality as could be, and the second she started her presentation it was obvious she was tense nervous.

Peter found two people in the audience on either side of the room.   First, he talked to one, then he talked to the other.   They were the only 2 people he looked at. Anchoring on only 2 people didn’t handle his stage fright, but it kept him from totally losing it.

Risha is an engineer. She presents project updates to a skeptical and demanding senior leadership team.  Her solution was to avoid all eye contact because she didn’t want to see their disapproving looks, she forced herself to keep her eyes squarely fixed on her notes and her slides.

Lynette powered through her talks on pure nerves and adrenaline, and collapsed with exhaustion when they were over.

If any of these methods of handling stage fright worked, they wouldn't have it. 

What they’re all trying to do is drive their symptoms out of existence. The symptoms include every flavor and intensity of fear, from feeling slightly nervous and on edge to complete terror.

The reason these methods don't work is because they don't address the root cause of stage fright.  And most people have no idea what's causing it.

If you don't know what's causing it, how can you fix it?

Leaving “persuading” behind for something that works

Frank: “I thought when I got the title, everyone would listen to me. But I’ve never been so frustrated in all my life.”

Frank is a Fellow in one of Silicon Valley’s largest high-tech companies.  “Fellow” is an extremely prestigious and the most senior title one can achieve in a scientific or engineering career. Fellows are the geniuses behind the inventions we all enjoy. 

So far, Frank’s scientific and engineering breakthroughs had made his organization over $42 billion as new products he dreamed into existence rolled out to eager customers around the world.  He should have been someone everyone listened to.

The problem Frank was having, however, was happening full blown in frustrating meetings with the senior leadership team. No one was listening to him. Led by a new CEO, the company was now going in a direction that Frank saw was never going to be viable.

Frank: “The company is going off a cliff.”

The people making the decisions did not have the technological expertise to understand why they were headed for a disaster. The new CEO got his technical advice from The Wall Street Journal. If it wasn’t in his morning paper, he dismissed it.

Frank’s problem was that he was SO smart, and knew so much, he was at a complete loss for how to explain complex technology principles to people who didn’t even understand the basics.

What made it worse was that Frank knew the technology advance that would save them and lead the company rather quickly into a new realm of innovation, consumer joy and market leadership. But when Frank tried to explain it all to the senior leadership team, their eyes glazed over. They told him, “No time, no budget, and very risky.”

Being the smartest guy in the room was excruciatingly painful.

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The really smart way to get others to listen

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Leon: “How do you talk to people who don’t want to hear it?  When I give them feedback, they immediately get defensive.”

Me: “How do you start the meeting?”

Leon: “I say:  I need to give you some feedback.”

Me: “Any other way you start the conversation?”

Leon: “I might say:  What we’re doing isn’t working and we need to change.  Or I might say:  You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect it to work, that’s insanity.  Or I might say: “I’ve told you all this 3 times already but nothing’s happened.”

Leon: Sigh.  “I’m just so frustrated.  They’re just not open to anything.”

I know very, very, very few people you could walk up to and say any of these things to who would happily listen to you.  If you want to test how to make someone immediately defensive, just try walking up to someone and saying, “Is it okay if I give you some feedback?” 

Or if you’re really feeling adventurous, you could see what happens when you say, “You know, you really need to change.”  

The only other way I know to make them even more defensive is to say, “I don’t want you to get defensive when I tell you this …”  That’s guaranteed to create an instantly defensive reaction from even the nicest person.

On the other hand, it’s pretty easy to initiate challenging meetings and difficult conversations and get them rapidly rolling in a positive direction when you understand that the most powerful human motivating force is purpose.

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Putting yourself in command of an outcome

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Sean was one of several hundred employees in a division of a very large corporation. He reported to a Manager who reported to a Director who reported to the Vice President.  Sean “commanded” no one.

The Vice President issued a directive to Sean’s division that, after being in place for two weeks, was extremely unpopular within the ranks. Despite major grumbling, the division Managers told their people that they understood their frustration, but to try to deal with it best they could.

Sean was so bothered by this directive, he was seriously thinking of quitting a job he loved and looking for another one outside the company. 

Since he had just taken Causative Communication, he used what he learned to ask for a meeting with his Manager. It took COURAGE for Sean to approach her on this hot topic. 

As he suspected, the Manager knew people were unhappy, but it wasn't totally REAL to her how bad it actually was. It often happens that the other person has some idea of the situation, but it's just a glimpse and not the full force of it, it’s not as REAL to them as it is to everyone else.  They don’t really get it.

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The power of taking yourself off automatic

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Carl was walking out the door.  Over his shoulder, walking away from me as he was talking, he was tossing off a goodbye, “Thanks a lot!  I’ll be in touch!” 

Carl had just completed an intensive 3-day Causative Communication class.  In just 2 sentences he had forgotten everything he learned.  His tossed-out comments sounded insincere, or at best, meaningless, just something you’re supposed to say because you’re leaving.

I said, “Carl, do you have another minute?”   He said, “Sure!”  Turned around and came back to me.

I said, “Carl, you’ve already lost everything you learned.”  

Carl looked thunderstruck.  He wasn’t expecting that. 

There was a long silence as he looked into my eyes.  I said nothing.  Then he said, “Oh wow.  You’re right.”

Then he said, “I can see I’m really going to need to deliberately and consciously practice this.” 

Knowing Carl’s commitment to becoming a truly great communicator, I told him what I’ve told many of my students: “If you really want to master communication and achieve its highest strata of excellence, you’ll need to apply what you learned in every conversation, every single day.”

Then Carl said what I’ve heard from many:  “I’ll keep practicing and it will become automatic.” 

No, it won’t.

And you don’t want it to.  That was the problem that Carl was already having.  Too many things on “automatic”. 

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How to change a corporate culture in 2 hours

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The members of the senior leadership team of a large Silicon Valley company were good people, they were just adversarial.  Facts were instantly disputed and ideas were challenged and criticized.  Their weekly meetings turned into antagonistic confrontations, they were unpleasant and rarely ended well.

The General Manager had a tendency to become overbearing and repeat himself to the point where the team tuned him out.

They were the kind of meetings that left you feeling bad for a couple of hours after they were done.

Two of the nine on the team attended a Causative Communication workshop.  Neither one of them was particularly liked or respected by the others (no one was) at the time they started the workshop.  Neither one had any authority relative to the others. What they did have going for them was an eagerness to create change.

In the next senior leadership meeting after the training, they both did something they’d never done before, that no one on the team had ever done before.

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Do THIS to keep your audience on the edge of their seats

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Sam put them to sleep within the first 10 minutes of his 40-minute presentation.  He’s not alone in being able to do this.

The problem with corporate presentations is they’re lifeless.  Audiences slowly drown in a sea of droning boring corporate “they all look alike” PowerPoint presentations.

They all start with, “Today I’m going to talk to you a little bit about…”

Then they unroll a slowly moving parade of too many uninspired slides endlessly connected by unimaginative transitions of, “Now on my next slide you’ll see…”

If this is you, you’re gradually putting them to sleep. Your audience slowly, but politely, disengages. Their minds start drifting and they start covertly multitasking, their attention desperately seeing something to keep them awake. 

If they possibly can, your audience will start interrupting you.  I coached a VP last week who told me that when his people present to executives they always hear, “Okay, let’s stop here, stop presenting for a moment, just let me ask you some questions ….” and the execs just take over and drive the presentation into a ditch (as far as the presenter is concerned).

Here’s the thing to know about audiences: they only stay with you as long as they are learning from you, and what they’re learning must be new and interesting. 

I know, I know. The problem is you don’t have exciting content to work with.  You have, well, corporate presentation material. And, let’s face it, nobody’s ever made an action movie out of a corporate presentation. I understand your challenge.

But just because your material may seem boring, it does not mean that you have to be.

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When you hate seeing yourself on video

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“I hate seeing myself on video!  That person I see up there is not at all the person I want to be!!!”

I hear this all the time when I show my clients their first video at the start of their workshop.  It’s torture.

To see that person up there on the screen and feel powerless because it’s not who you want to be, and not even that person you know you are.

This is the struggle.  And it’s an incredibly important breakthrough when you are able to watch a video of yourself and love seeing yourself. 

Most people are not there.  What, and who, they are being is stiff, uncomfortable, disconnected.  And very unnatural. And they hate when they see themselves being this way.

By the same token, people don’t want to look the way many people look after they’ve done “speaker training”, like a speaker on steroids, overly pumped up, overly polished, over-rehearsed and scripted, performing not communicating.  That too is unnatural.

The worst part for people watching their first video is they don’t know what’s wrong.  They know there’s something wonderful trapped inside them, but when they get up to speak, it stays trapped.  This disturbs your confidence.  It disturbs your power. It disturbs your ability to be understood.

Being in a senior executive level position doesn’t alleviate this discomfort.  As a matter fact, it makes it worse, because there’s more “pressure to perform.” Your presentations are more visible and more widely critiqued.  Many senior executives dream of being free of presentation anxiety.

I’ve just described 80% of the people I see giving corporate presentations.  It’s so common, it passes for “normal”. 

But most people KNOW they’re capable of MUCH more.  Even if not one of them knows what’s wrong or how to get there.

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My one-day communications "experiment"

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A man in Silicon Valley known to grit his teeth and multitask through everything shut his phone off a moment before the meeting started.  A woman on the East Coast relaxed, slowed down and took her time getting her ideas across. A usually distracted woman in Europe in yet another meeting was fully present, focused, giving 100% of her attention.  In India, a man who talks too fast, in a different meeting, took his time, spoke clearly and paused throughout to let his ideas fully resonate. They all paid attention when others were speaking and took time to reflect on what was said.

They were all in different meetings, but what they all had in common was their decision to participate, along with hundreds of others in their company.

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The secret to successful high-stakes communication

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Flashback to three years ago – Susan: “I don’t think it’s going to work.”

I was looking at a beautiful, strong and successful corporate attorney. Susan wasn’t being defiant. She genuinely didn’t think what I was teaching was going to work.

Susan faces tough negotiations.  No one backs down, no one gives an inch, they aggressively fight for every possible advantage.  They pounce at any hint of vulnerability.  Warmth is construed as weakness.

It’s a high-stakes game played with millions of dollars. It’s not an arena for taking risks lightly. It’s certainly not one where you would try something that you didn’t think was going to work just to see if your communications instructor was right about it.

What were we talking about? Acknowledgments.  Susan was my student in a communications class and I had just covered the power of acknowledgment.

The key to a really good acknowledgment is the listening that precedes it.

In difficult situations people’s minds are usually racing around too much to really hear what the other person is saying. They’re too busy disagreeing or trying to figure out what they’re going to say, manufacturing a winning rebuttal.

A really good acknowledgment starts with really good listening.  And real listening always includes being interested.  It always includes understanding.  By definition, it must.  Whether or not you agree.  And ESPECIALLY when you disagree.

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Your Presentation Mojo

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I’ve been delivering tons of virtual and in-person presentation skills workshops and coaching.  Extraordinary executives, brilliant engineers, top sales professionals, fascinating attorneys, individual contributors, early in career, the complete spectrum of corporate life.

They’re dynamic, charming, funny, warm, open, personable …. that is, until the workshop starts.

Then they each take turns giving their 1st presentation, before any coaching.

Suddenly life, personality and charisma drains out of them, they become very corporate.  Very businesslike, deadpan.   Dry data, cautiously stated conclusions, serious, matter-of-fact, completely restrained and inhibited self-expression.  Conservative. Suddenly it’s SERIOUS.

I remember a student I had a couple years ago who, when I asked her to tell me her goals for the workshop said, "I want to get my Mojo back. I used to have Mojo and somehow I lost it." Such a good goal!!!

When your Mojo’s working, you’re feeling GOOD.  And the audience can’t help but feel good too, and absolutely love you.

It has nothing to do with content.  Nothing at all to do with WHAT you’re talking about.

It has everything to do with YOU.

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How to negotiate anything

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Matthew: “I saw it work 40 times in a row.  It saved me endless hours.  I’ll never go back.”

Matthew negotiates contracts for a large general contracting construction company. I’ll give you an example of what that means. Matthew’s organization won a contract to build a very large, very beautiful, very modern new building for a prestigious university in California. It’s a big deal.

What Matthew’s organization does is hire all the people who are going to do the work:  the builders, the electricians, the plumbers, the landscape gardeners, everyone involved in construction. Matthew’s company oversees all of the work, and is held responsible for the ultimate success of the project.

Once they select all the people they’re going to hire to do the work, Matthew negotiates all the contracts with each of those individuals.

For this particular project, Matthew had to negotiate 40 contracts.

Negotiations are ferocious and ungiving, and there can be endless hours of wrangling spent over one clause.

After many hours of negotiating contracts, Matthew completed Causative Communication training a couple months ago.  He was thrilled by the difference in his negotiations after the class.

In the past, when the subcontractor would explain why he didn’t want to commit to a particular clause, Matthew wasn’t really listening to him. He had already heard it 30 other times. He already knew what they were going to say.  Matthew simply wasn’t interested in hearing it.  As a matter fact, he was slightly irritated having to listen to it over and over again.

But this time, Matthew changed. 

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Getting that something deep inside you to relax

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Last week, during an in-person workshop, Benjamin said:

“Something deep inside me is relaxing.”

And with that, everything about Benjamin was different.   

His face changed.  His tone changed. His posture changed. Everything spoken and unspoken about Benjamin changed. 

And that’s when Benjamin’s ability to create a real human connection surfaced.  Along with that appeared his ability to create deeply satisfying communication with anyone.  

The corporate world around him combined with happenings in his personal life had pressed Benjamin into an anxiety that never let go. An ever-present undercurrent of disquiet had spread to every muscle in his body and was most clearly seen in his tense face. 

But now, Benjamin radiated not only a calm, but a beautiful state of natural cheerfulness that was delightful to everyone around him.

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Stopping the world to listen

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 On my morning run this morning I ran into Margret, one of my neighbors, and I stopped to talk with her. There was something bothering Margret and I stopped to really listen.

As Margret talked, more and more frustration bubbled up.  I listened intently. My mind was still. The world stopped at that moment, and Margret filled it.

Margret spoke passionately of what had happened.  I could feel it all.  It was a rich experience to have someone else’s world fill mine.  I felt honored to receive it.

The tension gradually released from Margret’s face as she spoke.  Her eyes searched mine and found understanding.

She said it all, and then looked quite different.  She looked complete. 

I let Margret know I could really understand how she was feeling. Margret saw in my eyes that it was true.

There was an instant smile on Margret’s face. A BIG one. And it stayed.

Then, after a brief moment of silence, with both of us smiling, Margret said, “Thank you so much! I feel lighter.”

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How to disagree

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Laura:  "I would like to make a change in the process to improve it."

Me:  "We’ve always done it this way, it's been working fine. I don’t see why we need to change it now."

Laura:  "I understand." 

(Said coldly, with absolutely no understanding in tone of voice)

I was coaching Laura how to acknowledge others. As she practiced scenarios that were challenging for her, like the one above, her words were right, but her tone destroyed her acknowledgement. 

Your tone of voice is MUCH more important than your words.  Your tone of voice reflects what you're really thinking and you can't fake it. 

I asked Laura, "You said you understand.  DO you understand?"

Laura laughed and said, "No! I can't understand it!"

I said, "How come?"  Laura said, "I think what they’re saying is a really stupid reason."

I said, "Oh! You’re too busy disagreeing to understand!" 

Laura laughed and said, "Precisely!”

And this is what happens between people.  When they don’t agree, they withdraw their understanding.

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The power of one person listening

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Nothing changes a person faster than the way you listen to them.

One of my students, Carl, has a coworker named Marty. Marty is loud, stubborn, arrogant, and acts like he is the only one who knows the right way to do anything, whether he does or not.  Marty also says, “No” when you ask him for resources, time, help, anything.

Marty has managed to alienate just about everyone. He also talks a lot.  When he starts to talk, people leave.  If there's no escape, they endure Marty’s speeches, but always with a look of pain on their faces. 

No one has managed to get Marty to listen.  Every point they make about an issue triggers a counter-point from Marty that easily turns into an argument if they respond to it.

The problem is that Marty has influence and he can't be ignored.  People like Carl rely on him for resources and cooperation.  Marty's been there a long time, he’s knowledgeable, he’s just utterly unwilling to hear to anyone else's viewpoint. 

As Carl asked me for help, it was obvious to me that Marty was unable to receive ANY incoming communication from others – he rejected all of it.

I also knew that no one was listening to Marty. They already “knew” what he was saying was wrong, so they would shut him out the moment he started talking and not hear him. They didn't realize they were doing the exact same annoying thing to Marty that he was doing to them.

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Pulling a star down from the sky

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“Hi Ingrid,

Just wanted to let you know I’ve been promoted to VP, due in no small part to your coaching. I wanted to thank you. I’m looking forward to great things ahead.

Sincerely, Henry”

I got this email this week. It’s the email I love getting, when my clients reach for the stars in the sky and experience the powerful satisfaction of pulling one down.

I especially smiled big on this one. I remembered how it all started.

 Tom, an SVP, that I’m coaching, told me, “I have someone reporting to me that I want to send to you. I want to promote him to VP but let me tell you what’s happening.  Henry’s been with the company for over 20 years and deserves to be a VP.  He rubbed me the wrong way when I first met him, but then I saw what a good job he does. He’s really good at getting business results.  I talked to the Executive Vice President but he nixed Henry’s promotion to VP because of his communication skills – he spent 20 minutes talking about how terrible they are. Henry has no executive presence, he rubs a lot of people the wrong way, he thinks he knows everything, he’s smug, dismissive, he interrupts, he’s always rolling his eyes when others offer up their ideas.  He shows up for virtual meetings in shorts, tank top and bare feet.  He leans back in his chair when others are talking and looks totally disinterested and even disgusted.  It’s hard enough to become a VP in this company, but Henry really has the deck stacked against him.  I want you to help him if he’s willing.”

The first time I met Henry, he said, “I’m open to trying your coaching, but I gotta warn you - this is not going to be easy. I’ve had coaching before, and I hated it. They keep trying to change me and I’ve got to be me. I don’t know how you’re gonna do it. I am me and I don’t want to be anybody else and I’ve gone through life feeling like if they don’t like it, it’s their problem.” 

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Why "trendy terminology" destroys communication

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I was watching a video of a live presentation by Mark, the CEO of a major corporation with more than 40,000 employees.  Mark was visibly and painfully uncomfortable.  Worse yet, he was making a fool of himself.

Mark had heard about me and reached out with a request that I coach him on his presentation skills.  He had his Chief of Staff send me a couple of his recent videos to watch in advance “to see what he’s doing wrong”. 

Mark knew something was clearly wrong.  In our initial conversation, Mark told me, “The more feedback I get, the worse I’m getting.  I need someone to straighten this out for me.  I may not be the best public speaker in the world, but there’s no reason I need to be the worst.”

I started our first coaching session wanting to understand what was going on in his mind. I asked Mark, “What were you trying to do up there?”

Mark answered, “I’ve been given feedback that as a CEO I need to be vulnerable, and that I also need to be more passionate. That’s what I was trying to do.” 

I asked, “What does that mean?  Vulnerable and passionate?”

Mark looked at me, and with great pain in his eyes said, “I have no idea.”

Well, there you go.  Mark was trying really hard to execute something that was completely incomprehensible and confusing.

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A "thank you" to these rock stars of corporate America

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Executive:

“Regarding that conference in Miami next week, I changed my mind and decided to go after all.  I want to stay in that fabulous hotel everyone talks about.  I know I’m booking that hotel at the last minute and I know the hotel is completely sold out and has been for weeks, but I need you to get me a suite there with a king-sized bed, with an ocean view and make sure it’s far from the elevators and above the seventh floor.”

Executive Assistant (60 minutes later):

“You’re all booked.  Room 1050.  Refrigerator will be stocked with all your favorites. And I let them know you’ll be checking in late and to hold the room no matter what.”

My article today is a tribute to my heroes in the corporate world: Administrative Professionals, also known as Administrative Assistants and, at the higher levels, Executive Assistants.  It’s especially appropriate today, because today is Administrative Professionals Day.

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Activating your power to inspire

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Alan has been giving “All-Hands” presentations to the 1500 people that report to him. His organization has over 80,000 people. They’re currently getting hammered in the news. The company has been struggling, trying to recover from mistakes made by the then-CEO five years ago.  Unfortunately, they’ve just had to announce layoffs.  There’s a tremendous amount of re-organization and re-shuffling happening. Where people will land is up in the air.  The future of the organization is uncertain and morale is at an all-time low.

Alan’s group has been the only one that’s been inspired. Why are they inspired? In the midst of all this, there is one reason only:  Alan is inspiring them.

This wasn’t always the case.

When Alan came to me for coaching, his desperate “pep talks” had been falling flat.  Alan said, “If I don’t inspire them, I’ve lost them. I need them inspired, aligned, engaged, and enthusiastic. I know it’s impossible, but I need them to stop listening to the news, to tune out what’s happening in the rest of the organization and focus on what we need to be doing.  I haven’t been able to get them to see it, but I know we can make a difference.”

That’s a difficult assignment when the only conversation in the halls is the latest trash in the news, who got laid off, who’s afraid of getting laid off, how all the “good people” are leaving, the shattered trust in management and loss of faith in the vision.

Alan wanted to be MORE than just understood.  That wasn’t enough.  He wanted to inspire. Many people who come to me for coaching want that.

It’s an important ability for a leader to have, at any time.

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