To other people, listening means, “I’m not so interested but I’ll pretend.”

The problem is that pretended interest, pretended listening, pretended anything … well, it’s no foundation for a good conversation, a good relationship, nor good outcomes.

Mike heard about the extraordinary team meeting, called me into his office and told me that I had “very powerful persuasion skills.” Mike said, “Whatever you told him, it really worked.”

The team pulled me aside and wanted to know what I said to create this turn-around. They thought I’d spoken some “magic words” that cast a spell over Tom.

Gisele showed up for her coaching session with me and said, “I’m presenting really well now, I only have one stumbling block. Martin is blocking my proposal and I can’t go forward without him.  He’s really stubborn.  Won’t listen and he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.”

Why do people do that?

10 years ago, a man came in trying to sell me something. I felt sorry for him and decided to listen to what he had to say. I hadn’t listened for three minutes before I stopped him and said, “I’m not going to buy anything. But I’m going to coach you on your communication skills. Right now you’re not going to sell anything to anyone.” He smiled ruefully and said, “How did you know? I’m not making any sales, no one’s buying from me.”

There’s talking. Then there’s communicating. The difference between these two may not be visible to the average person, but is very visible in the effect you create on the other person and in the deep satisfaction of your outcome, including the relationship you develop.

A perfect acknowledgement is not fancy. It’s sincere. It’s most definitely NOT just repeating back what you heard (no idea where that crazy idea came from, but it’s annoying).

You have to master this ability before you speak, before you listen. In the in-person Causative Communication program, it takes half a day. It’s not something we skate over lightly.

The most important factor in a truly successful presentation is the deep, powerful, human connection a great presenter makes with every person in the room. Slides can easily BREAK your connection with the audience. 

How long does it take to change a corporate culture? Apparently two hours if you have the skills to do so.

When you have real communication skills, you have the ability to transform others and see the transformation happen before your eyes.

Most leaders assume communication transmits reality, that if the words are clear enough, they will see it.

But communication doesn’t transmit reality. It creates it.

That’s a subtle but seismic shift.

And that means every time you speak, especially at a senior level, you are not just sharing ideas. You are shaping how reality is experienced in the room.

My parents came to America from Lithuania with nothing. They had a beautiful life in the old country, and lost it all when the Soviets occupied their land and took it all away. I gained something infinitely valuable from them as they built a new life here. My parents showed me by example that the only real security we have is our innate ability to dream new realities and create them into being, abilities which nothing and no one can take away without our permission, and which they did so well.

I always think about what I learned from them as we go into a new year.  I’m filled with a feeling that was well expressed by the great poet Ranier Maria Rilke, “And now let us believe in a long year that is given to us, new, untouched, full of things that have never been.”

This threshold into a new year is a beautiful time for self-reflection, for dreaming of the future.

I’m a first-generation immigrant. My parents came from Lithuania, right across the sea from Sweden.

We have a beautiful Christmas Eve tradition I think you’ll enjoy hearing about.  It creates a very special moment.

Each person at the dinner table receives a large wafer of unleavened bread and we have communion.

You might have heard of “Holy Communion”, which is different.  That’s when a Priest blesses the wafer and gives it special religious significance.

This Christmas Eve tradition of communion is not religious. If you look the word communion up in the dictionary, without the word “Holy” in front of it, it means:

The sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level. 

You can see it’s something special.

I’ve met too many people who have no personality left. It’s been sanitized out of existence.

I’ve met people who are afraid to speak up and are way too quiet. They say way less than they should. I’ve met people who are always apologizing for what they think and who they are (“I’m so sorry I feel this way …”).  I’ve met too many who are filled with self-doubt, trying to figure out “what’s wrong with me”.

And I’ve met too many “corporate professionals” who have learned to say and do all the right things, and then wonder where the satisfaction is in life.

Henry didn’t let the outside world influence him at all.