Instant enlightenment?

Even though Gabrielle had just made it to VP, she felt powerless.

It was a new role for her and a new organization.  She was hired to completely transform the organizational culture.  

It was an old industry.  The company was founded in 1899 and had grown massive.  The culture hadn’t changed much in 100 years.  It was polite but stodgy, slow moving, and suffocated new ideas with extreme conservatism.  After many decades of success, the organization was slowly losing its competitive edge.

The CEO wanted Gabrielle to create a swift evolution into a dynamic, innovative and agile organization. 

Making this happen sounded simple and straightforward in her job interview with the CEO. It even felt that way for the first couple of weeks as she walked around shaking hands, meeting everyone and receiving a warm welcome.

Then the reality of an unchanging culture set in.

The CEO was the only senior executive with vision, but was too busy to visibly support her. 

Meetings became increasingly frustrating.  Many executives and employees had been there for decades and were VERY comfortable.  Everyone was willing to discuss Gabrielle’s innovative ideas, but no one was willing to DO anything with them.  She did everything she could to persuade them to act, but discussions grew into polite but stubbornly unchanging debates.

Gabrielle was able to reach some people one-on-one, but when she contemplated the scope of reaching tens of thousands of employees spread out across the country, it looked pretty grim.  She wasn’t getting the senior level or management support needed to make it happen.

She started to feel the time needed for real change to materialize would be measured in lifetimes with a target date of “probably never”.

But it was too late to back out. She had the job. She had made a promise.

How does one person change a whole organization? And do it fast?

It requires a great ability to enlighten others. How do you do that?

First, understand there’s a learning curve that happens whenever there’s any change.  

And there are 5 hidden barriers all organizations (and even all individuals) encounter during this learning curve. If you don’t know what these hidden barriers are and successfully remove them, the learning curve will be painful. 

The confusion, emotion and frustration you’ll have to deal with will drain you. 

Because it’s a learning curve, these barriers prevent learning.  This is an important point. 

A powerful fact about people is that when they learn, they can’t help but change.  With real learning, the change comes from within.  It’s stable, durable, real, powerful, self-directed, intelligent, often brilliant, and happens naturally.

Gabrielle came to one of our workshops (Transforming the Learning Curve) and discovered how to remove the hidden barriers preventing the outcome she wanted.

After the workshop, she had a new approach.

She stopped trying to get the organization to change.  She stopped trying to persuade.  She stopped talking about change altogether.  She never mentioned it again.

She switched over to educating and enlightening the organization.

Persuasion, influence, buy-in, transformation, all of the above are byproducts of new realizations, they’re the results of having learned. 

Gabrielle progressively educated the organization in every meeting she attended.  Every presentation she gave was enlightening.  People stopped resisting and started listening.  They walked out with new realizations, greater understanding.  They were enthralled by what they were learning.

She removed the obstacles on the learning curve, replacing them each time with new understandings, new knowledge.

The organization’s awareness, intelligence, and most importantly their judgement, rapidly grew and hit a tipping point.

Senior executives, managers and employees started to demand a change. They told her why it was necessary!  Even more, without prompting, they created changes in their immediate areas and saw fast success.  They were creative in ways she never expected.

Within a couple of months, Gabrielle was watching a high-speed transformation in the culture happen organically, driven by the organization itself.

In December, we’re hosting another Transforming the Learning Curve workshop. The very same workshop Gabrielle used to transform her entire company in record time.

During this workshop, you will learn how to quickly remove the 5 barriers to your success and develop the ability to create persuasion, influence, buy-in, and transformation on demand.

We’ve limited the number of participants so you’ll get lots of personal attention. 

I’m not sure when we’ll offer this again, so if you want us to hold a seat for you, hit reply and let me know.

Be the cause!

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Transforming Larry: the worst communicator in the room

Some people think you have to be “born with” the skills and charisma that make a really great public speaker.  Not true.  Let me tell you the story of Larry.

I was invited to give a two-hour talk on presentation skills at a technical conference for a highly specialized professional association.

At the banquet the night before my presentation, I told the President of the association, Steve, that I wanted to line up a volunteer to coach during my talk.  He asked what qualities I was looking for and I said, “Someone who really needs to improve in this area.” 

He enthusiastically told me Larry would be perfect and I said, “Let’s go meet him.”  Well, meet him I did.  Larry hardly took his eyes off the floor while we were talking, and for the brief moments they did come off the floor, they went straight to the ceiling or the wall.  Turns out, Steve interpreted my request as, “Who is the absolute worst communicator in this group?” 

I told Larry, “You know, I’m going to be coaching you in front of 300 people.”  He glared at me for a brief moment and said, “What does THAT mean?”  I said, “I’m going to be telling you what to do and you’re going to have to do it.  Are you okay with that?”  He mulled it over a little (looking at the ceiling) and then said, “I guess that’s okay.”  And so it was.

After Larry left, Steve said, “I hope you’re going to coach him on looking at people!” And then laughed for 2 minutes straight. 

I asked Steve, “What does the group think of Larry?”  Steve said, “Everyone thinks he’s the worst communicator in the group” and started laughing again. 

Turns out that Larry has been the worst communicator in the group for decades (he’s probably pushing 60).  I said, “Steve, I not only have to teach him how to look 1 person in the eye, which he’s never done, he’s going to have to go from never looking 1 person in the eye to looking at 300 in one fell swoop!”  Steve said, “I can’t wait.”

In the morning Larry was surprisingly enthusiastic when I talked to him before the talk.  I told him that I was going to coach him to bring out his natural charisma and he said, “My what?”   I explained and he seemed to like it. 

As Steve introduced me, the group laughed like mad when they heard I picked Larry for my volunteer. 

Before I started the actual coaching, Larry did a “before” presentation where he was looking off to the side and pretty much mumbling to himself.  No one seemed surprised and we all applauded. 

Then I started teaching Larry how to own the room.  Simply looking at the whole room just about killed him.   But, bless his heart, he did a great job of it.  He really stepped up to the plate and, by George!, he GOT it!  He owned the room.

I had him present again.  Wow!  He was so much better!  I asked the group, “How many people saw a difference?” EVERY hand went up.  I said, “Let’s give Larry some feedback” and he got more positive feedback in 3 minutes than he’s gotten in the last 3 years.  He looked rather pleased.

Then I told him what he needed to do to REALLY connect with the audience and make each person feel like he was talking directly to them.  He looked at me like he couldn’t believe I actually wanted him to do this.  I coached.  He did better.  I coached some more.  He somehow got it through his head that he wasn’t going to get off the stage until he did it and SUDDENLY WHAMO ZAMO ZAP!  Larry was COMMUNICATING!!!!!  All the way to the back of the room!!! And he was really CONNECTING with PEOPLE!!!!! 

It’s no exaggeration to say Larry had charisma.

At two points during his talk, Larry was interrupted by spontaneous and enthusiastic applause while he was speaking.  The audience was completely captivated, engaged, and loving him.  No other conference speaker got as much applause!!!!!  Not even the ones who were paid high fees!

No one wanted it to be over and Larry was MOBBED after his talk. 

Afterward Larry came up to me and said, “I learned so much.  I’m going to use what I learned for the rest of my life.”   Well, you just had to hug him.

If there was ever a person who would have been voted “least likely to succeed at public speaking” before this day, it would have been Larry.

When I say, “Everyone has this ability inside them,” I want you to know I mean everyone.  This is why I love coaching people and helping them gain these skills.  When you bring out the “star” in a person, it’s a glorious moment.  When they know and have the skills, they can do it themselves forever more.

So, if you’ve ever had the feeling that public speaking isn’t something you’re fabulous at, I want you to know you can be.  And pretty quickly too.  Don’t listen to anyone who says you can’t.

The Transformative Presentation Skills Workshop coming up in November is a powerful opportunity to make this shift in a very short time.  I am absolutely thrilled to be delivering this workshop personally and seeing each person achieve a beautiful transformation.

Should you be there? Only if you want a result like the one Larry experienced.

Be the cause!

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“You can’t reach everyone” and other communication myths

Hal is a Director. When he presents to his senior leadership team, three of them pay attention.  Four are “laptops open” and checking their emails, looking up occasionally. Two don’t really understand what he does and don’t support him at all.

Andrea is a Vice President. She has a champion on the senior executive team.  But only one.  When she presents to all of them, they listen politely, thank her and drag their heels about moving forward on her recommendations.

Russ is a CEO who speaks at industry conferences. He wants to be an opinion leader for his industry. The ratings of his speeches average 3.8, marking him as an average speaker, nothing extraordinary. He’s generally perceived as trying real hard, but not inspiring.

Which brings us to a really good point.

If you have an audience of 100 people, with how many do you want to have a great connection? What percent of them do you want to resonate with your message?

Most people are happy if 10 out of 100 come up after their presentation to tell them how great it was. But that’s only 10%.

There’s a false idea out there that “you can’t reach everyone”. Clearly that notion was put forward by someone who couldn’t do it.  Yes, it does hold true for many people, they aren’t able to reach everyone.

But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

If you communicate skillfully, you should be able to reach 90%.

The problem is most people have no idea how to do this. While they feel they may do okay one-on-one, when you put them in front of a group, they get thrown off trying to talk to multiple people at the same time.

When they get up in front of a group, they’re not themselves. They’re straining to be someone others will consider a good presenter. They’re working hard to be “convincing”. This combination of factors makes them feel they need to perform.

Understand this: great communicators don’t perform, they communicate.

Most people don’t know how to cross that bridge to truly great communication when they’re in front of an audience.

So not only do their slides go into “presentation mode”, they go into an artificial presentation mode themselves. They force themselves into that unnatural stream of hyped-up or monotonous, continuous outpouring of words you see so much of in corporate presentations.

They try to cover their nervousness, fail to connect with everyone in their audience and talk too fast.   

If this is happening to you, the tough part is falling short of your own expectations. That’s brutal.

How do you transform into an individual who is free, unself-conscious, compelling, impactful, lovable even, and most importantly, totally comfortable and uniquely yourself?

Our Transformative Presentation Skills workshop was named by our clients.  After training thousands of people, we looked through their evaluations to see the one word they used most often in describing their experience from this training. That word was transformative.

In this workshop, you learn how to really connect, to reach everyone in your audience, not just 10%.

I’ve seen it with Hal, Andrea and Russ, the folks I wrote about above. Hal now has his senior leadership team with laptops closed, valuing his recommendations and even asking him to present to top tier customers.

Andrea’s recommendations are moving forward with senior level support at a speed she never imagined.

And Russ is viewed as one of the top CEOs, powerfully dynamic and a major opinion leader in his industry.

They all hit the tipping point of being able to reach an exceptionally high percentage of their audience, captivate them and get them on board.

If you can’t make it to the workshop, that doesn’t mean that you can’t work on these skills. The first step is to discard the feeling that you’re performing and that you’ll be judged.

Shift your focus from performing to communicating, and instead of worrying about whether or not you’ll be judged, simply make sure you are understood.   Understanding is the essence of communication.   Simply put, intend for each person to fully understand you.

It sounds like a small shift, but you’ll prove to yourself it’s far more than that when you start to see the effect of reaching more of your audience.

Be the cause!

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Transforming the Learning Curve

People don’t like to be sold. They don’t like to be persuaded. They don’t like to be influenced. Often they don’t like to be led.  But they do like to learn.

And that’s why one of the most powerful influences on an individual or a nation is learning.

I don’t mean the kind of learning that happens in school, which to my mind is not real learning.

I made it through University, graduated Magna Cum Laude (with great honors), had a straight 4.0 grade average through my Master’s degree to the point where they waived the requirement for me to write a Master’s thesis, was their first pick into a competitive Doctoral program, was more than halfway through my Doctorate when I firmly decided that real learning happened outside the classroom and I took a leave of absence that’s still going on.

Believe me, I sat through a lot of school. 

Real learning happens out in the world, in our everyday hustle and bustle.  And learning is the primary foundation for positive, impactful change. 

If you want to make big change happen (in yourself or others), you need to cause a whole lot of learning. 

An extremely important principle is that when people feel you can teach them something, when they sense they can learn something meaningful and powerful from you, they listen to you.  And listen more attentively than they do at any other time.  They’re wide open and give you their all.

More than 99% of my business comes by word-of-mouth.  In over 30 years of business, I’ve never had a sales or marketing department because I’ve already been too busy with new clients.

That’s because I really understand learning and I’m an extraordinary teacher.  I’m not saying this to brag. It’s taken me over 30 years to master the science of how people learn and to have a teaching process that always works.   It’s something I love to share.  And people tell others about it. They tell others they will experience a beautiful transformation and learn things from me they will never learn anywhere else.  I take pride in that.

I teach communication skills, from challenging one-on-one conversations to how to communicate successfully to large audiences. 

In addition to that, there are also advanced skills beyond these that I teach.

When clients want more advanced skills to sell their ideas, get buy-in, create organizational change, transform others, lead, or persuade, I take a completely different route than they expect.

Beyond how to communicate effectively, I teach them how to educate, specifically how to enlighten.   

You may not think of yourself as a teacher, but you are.  You are your own best teacher and your success in life depends on your ability to also teach the world around you.

So it really comes down to your ability to learn and to teach.

An even better word for it is enlighten. 

Enlighten means to enable to see more clearly, to enable to see or comprehend truth, to shed light on, to illuminate, as in to enlighten the mind or understanding.

Persuasion, influence, buy-in, transformation, all of the above are byproducts of new realizations, results of enlightenment. 

A person who can enlighten and create new realizations, new awareness, in themselves and others, is valuable.

The best leaders enlighten.  That’s how they create impact and change reality.

I recently had a client who completed one hour of virtual coaching who wrote me:

“Something changed inside of me.  I’m getting much better outcomes.  I don’t even know what I’m doing differently.  Something in me just changed.”

What changed was her awareness. 

If you’re ever in a situation where you feel you can’t persuade someone, what’s happening is that you’re not able to enlighten them.  You haven’t changed their awareness.  That’s what’s keeping them from being persuaded.

The reason for this is because they’ve encountered barriers or obstacles that are keeping them from learning from you.  And you don’t know how to remove them.

I’ve just received a request from a couple special clients for a workshop on how to remove the obstacles to learning to transform the learning curve.  It’s something I’m quite expert in.  I am required to create dramatic changes and transformations in my clients in a matter of a couple of days. 

I’ve encountered every problem learning you can imagine.  And then some. I know what the barriers are, I know how to remove them and I know how to create dramatically powerful learning, transformative learning, in a very short period of time.

That’s what I’m going to teach in this workshop.  I’m going to teach how to dramatically transform the learning curve so you can do it too.

It applies to you if you are working to change the world and make a difference, if you’re trying to make your voice heard, create transformation, lead, persuade, sell, or influence.

It also applies to you if you’re in a situation where you need to rapidly learn or come up to speed yourself. What I’m going to present has helped many people who are drowning in new roles.

And everyone tells me it helps them at home, especially with their kids or grand kids.

I’m going to cover material you’ve never heard before.  I have built my entire success in what I’m going to teach in this workshop.

I’ve delivered this workshop before and I personally have great affinity for it.  It’s always a big hit.  Participants report later they:

• Became leaders

• Created organizational transformation

• Changed the culture

• Increased productivity and quality

• Created a winning team

• Got through to someone who was previously impossible

• Taught others respect

• Taught their kids how to be responsible

• Have husbands who are now romantic

If what I’m writing resonates with you, there are six seats left.  I have no idea when I would ever offer this workshop again, it’s pretty advanced stuff.  I’m doing it as a special favor for these clients.

Whether or not you do this workshop, these are principles that are extremely useful for creating positive change.  Take a look at the problems that you’re having with people, especially if you’re trying to persuade them.  Take a different view of what to do.  Enlighten them and change their awareness.  It will get you a lot further than trying to persuade them.  Enlightening and persuading are completely different activities. Remember that persuasion is a byproduct of having learned.  If they don’t learn, they don’t change.  Don’t try to persuade.  Enlighten, and persuasion will happen organically.

Be the cause!

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Your presentation Mojo

Last week I was delivering a presentation skills workshop to a group of seven women who are each highly intelligent, highly skilled, highly professional.  They gave their initial presentations so I could assess their skills and see what they needed to develop to become extraordinary presenters.

Their presentations were all very corporate.  Very businesslike and rather deadpan.  The facts of the matter presented seriously, matter-of-factly, no self-expression.  Corporate.

Then I asked them their goals. The first one said, "I want to get my Mojo back. I used to have Mojo and somehow I lost it."

Six hands went up and six voices said, "Me too! I want Mojo."

So Mojo became the goal of the workshop.

What is Mojo? How does it get lost? How do you gain or regain it?

Mojo is a fabulous word.  It captures a quality no other word conveys.

It comes from West Africa where it originally meant magic.  Today it means personal magnetism, those incredible moments when you are in complete control, you’re in the zone, you have a fantastic ability to generate great attractiveness independent of any physical beauty or handsomeness, to express yourself in a way that is uniquely you, and in a way that sweeps everyone along.  You feel GOOD.  And the audience loves you.

The most important thing to know about Mojo is that it’s that quality that is entirely you.  No two people have Mojo that’s alike.  There’s no such thing as corporate Mojo.  Mojo is something only individuals have, never corporations or groups.

What I've observed is that everyone has Mojo, but most people have lost it.  Little kids often have Mojo, but by the time they go to work in a large corporation, it’s gone.

Since Mojo is an expression of a style that is uniquely yours, any conformity immediately kills it.  And large corporations seem to demand conformity. That’s why corporate presentations all tend to look alike:  business people performing, trying hard to impress, to look dynamic, yet stuck in being I’llvery corporate.

Don’t fall for it.

You may work in a large corporation, yet who you ARE is not corporate.  Who you are is you.

Many people think they won’t be acceptable being exactly who they are, which is why they start to conform to what they think the corporation wants of them.  You also don’t see many people around you truly being themselves when they give presentations, so you don’t really have examples that show you that you can do it.

Let’s talk about with Mojo isn’t.  It isn’t self-conscious.  It isn’t anxious.  It isn’t self doubt.  It isn’t self deprecating.  It isn’t trying to impress. It isn’t seeking approval. It isn’t imitating someone else.  It isn’t trying at all.  It most definitely isn’t corporate.

Mojo has nothing to do with your content. It has everything to do with you.

In a large corporation Mojo is as rare and as welcome as a breeze of cool fresh air is to a hot, stuffy room.

So what does it take to get your Mojo back?

It’s difficult without knowing the fundamentals of great presentations.  These fundamentals are what give you the base of confidence on which your Mojo can sit.

You need to know how to own the room, how to make a powerful connection with your audience, how to have a strong presence, how to make each person feel like you’re talking directly to them, how to create rapport with a whole group at once, how to get your point across so it’s compelling, how to communicate in a way that inspires people.

Once you have these fundamentals down, now add in your personal style, add in that magic ingredient called YOU.

You’ll deliver a presentation that conforms to no other ever given.  You’ll deliver a presentation they’ll be talking about.  It will be powerful, in control, truly magical, and most importantly, most definitely it will be uniquely YOURS.

Mojo is you.

Be the cause!

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ALL thinking kills your executive presence

Ethan is 28 years old and works with billionaires.

He presents to SVP’s of Fortune 500 organizations and helps broker deals worth millions and even billions of dollars. Last week I spent a couple of days coaching him on his executive presence.

One of Ethan’s biggest problems was non-stop thinking.

Most people believe that thinking is good.

People in large corporations do way too much of it.  

During coaching they often tell me, “I know I’m overthinking this.”

I find that ALL thinking is overthinking.

Power is in observing, knowing, deciding and acting.

These happen fast.

And then you start to think about them.  Not only does that slow everything down, it completely obstructs your ability to be causative.

Ethan was so “in his head”, that as you were talking, he was simultaneously busily churning over what you were saying in his mind.  It gave him a terribly worried look.

And as he was talking, he was carefully considering every point he was making. That made eye contact difficult.  It made him look unsure of what he was saying.  It killed his ability to communicate with real intention.

Because of his job, everything Ethan does is high stakes. This gave him a constant sense of anxiety. This made him think more and more.

He was afraid to stop thinking and to just LOOK.  He was afraid it would make him stupid. Words would fail him, he wouldn’t know how to respond, he would look inexperienced.

He was afraid to just KNOW. He invalidated his ability to know because of his age.  Actually, people that age often know more truth than people twice their age.  They haven’t yet been taught how to compromise on what they see in front of them, to distort their vision to what others say they should see, or to lie to themselves.

He was also afraid to DECIDE.  The word decision comes from the Latin de which means off and caedere which means to cut.  When you decide, you cut off every other option, only one way forward. 

And he was terrified to ACT.

He replaced all these with thinking.  But the only thing that thinking accomplished was to take him around in circles.  Into more thinking.

At the beginning of Causative Communication you do two exercises designed to get you out of your head. These very unique exercises get you to operate completely in the moment and to LOOK, to aim all your attention outward, to keenly observe the person in front of you, to SEE.

The noise in your head is gone.  You are comfortable and full of well-being. Time seems to slow down.  You are in control.

This is the very foundation of presence. And superior communication.  

It’s also vital for forming a full connection with another person. You’ll never do it in your head.

Ethan developed a powerful presence. His age no longer mattered. He forgot about it and you forget about it too.

He also developed the ability to fully connect while he is talking with someone, anyone.  This is the foundation of a powerful relationship.

This is what Ethan told me after he took his new skills for a test drive in the real world:

My experience of people is so much better. It’s a complete shift in how I am.  It’s not only working in my negotiations, it snowballs into more and more parts of your life.

If you’re communicating effectively this is what it looks like.  If you want gravitas, this is what it looks like. I will never, ever forget what I look like in those two videos [his “before” and “after” videos], the one where I was thinking and the other where I was being, looking and connecting.”

This is presence.

This is one of many things we teach.  We taught Ethan and we can teach you.

The same applies when you are talking to a group or giving a presentation.  This is where thinking and being in your head can easily go into hyper drive and destroy your impact. 

In our Transformative Presentation Skills you learn how to stop all that and fully be in the moment. 

You gain a presence so strong, so true, so compelling, that your audience is forever changed by the connection they feel to the REAL YOU.

Give it a try yourself. The ability to do it is native within you. It’s one of your greatest abilities.  You develop it by using it.  Feel free to let me know what happens.  And let me know if you’d like any help with it.

Be the cause!

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The magic of moving beyond effective communication

Someone I highly respect asked me last week what I stand for.  I realized it was an exceedingly good question and something I had never written about before.

I stand for something you don’t hear talked about in large corporations.

Yet it’s actually what makes me valuable to the people I serve.

I stand for beautiful communication.  In large corporations, where I mostly work, professionals and executives are always talking to me about being effective, compelling, inspiring.  Mostly about being effective.

The truth is that I find being effective rather easy and quite boring.  Someone I coach struggles to get promoted.  Then, after coaching, communicates effectively and makes it from Senior Director to VP.  Personally, I don’t find that very interesting.

That’s the reason why, when I’m coaching someone, I won’t stop after helping them be effective.  Being effective is a level they do need to hit, but I don’t stop there.  And it turns out they are always happy I don’t.

Let me give you an example. This past week I was coaching a woman who is responsible for billions of dollars for her organization.  Brilliant woman.  She’s new to the role and struggles with the leadership team she’s a part of.  I’m reluctant to mention that it’s a male-dominated team because the fact they’re men is not really the issue.  Her communication skills are.  But you get the picture.

I coached her until she was effective in getting her point across and persuading.  She was quite happy.

But I continued to coach her until her communication reached a level where it became beautiful.  When she communicates at this level, she takes your breath away. Yes, she’s effective.  But she is also extraordinarily beautiful, graceful and elegant.  Not just physically, but in her presence.

Her very being, and in the incredible quality of her communication is a demonstration of beauty.

I coached another executive on giving presentations to difficult audiences.  He went from being overly defensive and somewhat forceful to being effective.   It was good.

But I didn’t stop there. I continued to coach him until he tapped into something inside him that made his communication extraordinary. It’s funny to use the word beautiful when you’re describing a man, but his communication was beautiful in the way that Martin Luther King‘s I have a dream speech was beautiful.

It wasn’t the words that became beautiful.  It was his arresting connection with the audience and HOW the words were spoken.

And, yes, he became handsome.

To me causative communication is about a whole lot more than just being effective. 

Inside each person resides an ability to communicate at a level that is WAY beyond effective.  

Yes, being effective is a milestone.  But for me it’s not an end goal.  It’s not enough.  I coach until the natural artistry and aesthetic within each person emerges.

Their communication becomes spontaneous.  They’re not thinking about it.  It’s just coming out of them. It’s pure.  They’re in a zone where they can’t help but be amazing. 

They’re now capable of creating an extraordinary relationship, whether it’s with one person or 10,000.

If a person is willing to do the work, that level of aesthetic is always there to be found.

Beautiful communication is inspiring.  It is compelling.  It is persuasive.  It creates extraordinary leadership.

So here’s the message:

Everything you want is a byproduct of the ability to communicate beautifully.  

If you want to persuade, create an effective team, get promoted, lead, inspire, give a great presentation, get a raise, negotiate a good deal, transform your organization or get your  teenager to talk to you…

They’re all byproducts of extraordinary and extraordinarily beautiful communication.

It creates the kind of conversation or presentation where you say, “Wow! That was beautiful!”

If this is the type of communication that you want to experience, then you are in the right place to discover how to do it. 

This is what I stand for:  serving as a guide for you to transform your communication into something extraordinarily beautiful.

Be the cause!

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How to make the other person defensive

There are many ways to make the other person defensive, some more effective than others. I’m going to write about one that’s guaranteed to work every time.

Clearly I’m joking a little.  I know you want to learn how to get your point across without making the other person defensive and what to do about it if they are.

Most people don’t realize that when the other person is defensive, they actually caused it.  And they usually have no idea how they did that.  It’s a real blind spot.

Here’s one way it happens.

Acknowledgments are some of the most powerful skills I teach.  Even if you do acknowledge others, there are so many ways to mess this up that you need to know.

Acknowledgment happens at a precise point in time after the other person has told you something, anything.  They have completed that thought.  And now your acknowledgment lets them know you understand what they told you.  And, very importantly, that you can see it from their point of view.

That’s ALL it does.  If it does any more than that, it’s not an acknowledgement.

An acknowledgment does not contain any evaluation of what they said, nor any response to it.

In its purity an acknowledgement simply communicates, “I really got it.”

Acknowledgments have a profound impact on people. Having traveled the world as our programs were delivered in 30 countries, I can assure you this runs deep throughout all of humanity, all around the globe, with both men and women, with every age group, at home and at work and with the next door neighbor.  

You can observe people visibly brighten up when they are well acknowledged.  Often they look terribly relieved.

What a well delivered acknowledgment does it is it lets them know that their purpose for communicating (which is to be understood) has been accomplished.

Most people think the other person needs to be agreed with, but if you penetrate the surface you’ll see that what they really need is to be understood.  There is GREAT satisfaction in simply being understood.

Many people think the other person needs to be validated for what they said, that they need to be told they’re right (even if they’re wrong).  Again, I’ve acknowledged people who were asserting how right they were and they were quite satisfied with a well communicated acknowledgment letting them know I thoroughly understood them.  Without my ever having agreed that they were right.

So what does this have to do with making someone defensive?  People get defensive real FAST when you mess up the acknowledgment part of communication. 

Your thoughts are powerful.

Whatever you are thinking when you give an acknowledgment goes straight into your acknowledgment, and especially into your tone of voice, which really matters when you’re giving an acknowledgment.

Here’s how it happens:

You’ll hear people say the words, “I understand,” but at the same time they’re saying these words, they’re also thinking:

• I understand but I’m not interested.

• I understand. Now let me tell you what I think.

• I understand but I’m annoyed.

• I understand but please stop talking it.

• I understand. You’ve already told me that, you’re repeating yourself.

• I understand, but you’re totally wrong about that.

• I understand but I can’t believe you think that.

• I understand but let me correct you.

• I understand but that’s not important. Let me tell you what’s really important.

• I understand that you’re crazy (or an idiot).

The important thing is that you don’t even have to say these things. Just THINK one of them while you’re giving the acknowledgment and believe me it comes through loud and clear.  It overrides your acknowledgement.

Whatever understanding there is gets completely wiped out and all the other person hears is the part that comes after.

And so, they get defensive. Wouldn’t you?

Try a little experiment. It doesn’t even have to be a particularly significant or important or difficult conversation.

When you’re talking with someone, listen intently to what they say because this is important for your acknowledgment to work.  Obviously if you weren’t really listening, letting them know you fully understand is insincere.

So listen intently and when they’re finished, let them know you really understand.  As you’re doing that, just be thinking about really understanding them, don’t be thinking about anything else. Don’t be thinking about what you’re going to say, or your evaluation of what they said, or anything else.

Just be full of understanding. And hold that until you see they’re satisfied with your acknowledgement.

What you’ll observe is a look of satisfaction and a readiness, openness, to receiving whatever you want to say next.  If you don’t see that right away, just acknowledge them a little more until you do.

Remember, you’re not responding to what they said.  All you’re doing with your acknowledgment is letting them know you understand what they said.

It takes practice and even coaching to become really skilled at this and do it so it’s second nature.  But you’ll still have success even if it’s your first time trying it.

Acknowledgments are a vital part of causative communication and are very worth of mastery.

They’ll keep people from getting defensive and will relieve it when they do. They’re vital in every negotiation or conflict you find yourself in the middle of.  They allow a great conversation to happen.

This is so universal you can try it anywhere anytime and see results.

Have fun!  And let me know what happens.

Be the cause!

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Negotiating with an enemy

Jake’s usually successful negotiation strategy was failing…

There was a $4 billion deal on the table and at the rate things were going, Jake wasn’t going to see any of it.

Across the table from Jake was Ricardo. Currents of suspicion, distrust and mild hostility flowed between them. Then Ricardo said, “No,” blocked the deal, and it was over.

Jake showed up at my place to find out what he did wrong.  He wanted to learn how to negotiate with an enemy.

Jake’s problem was that he had incorrectly identified the enemy.  He thought it was Ricardo, a man Jake described as stubborn, old-school, narrow-minded and doesn’t know how to cut a deal.

Jake’s opinion of himself was much more flattering.  He saw himself as a visionary. He thought the problem was that Ricardo couldn’t deal with a visionary.  

The real problem is that Jake didn’t know how to make effective communication happen. He believed it depended on the other person, how open they are, their ability to understand, their ability to communicate, etc...

If you pin effective communication, and therefore your outcomes and therefore your life, on the other person’s ability to communicate, you’re going to be very unhappy.

Anytime you depend on the environment or other people to make something happen, you put your life in their hands. This is a strategy that will lead to disappointment a good percentage of the time.

Happiness requires that you sit in the Director’s Chair of your life.

In the Director’s Chair, you have the power to make things turn out so you’re truly satisfied, regardless of initial opposition, resistance or blindness.

Jake’s REAL enemy was thinking that because he’s been talking his whole life, he knows how to communicate.  As Jake discovered, he was wrong.

People often tell me communication “didn’t work.” What they’re really saying is what they think is communication didn’t work. Communication always works. You just have to know the formula (yes, there is a formula) for making it happen.

It’s not one skill, it’s a package of skills. And when you execute on this package of skills, you get understandings that automatically lead to agreement, commitment and action. If you’re not getting that, you’re not communicating.

After three days of coaching and watching the difference between his “before” and “after” videos, Jake could clearly identify what REAL communication is and what he’s been missing. More importantly, he knows how to make it happen.

Jake went back and in less than five minutes of talking with Ricardo, he got a completely different result. Ricardo was now on board. There was trust and credibility.

Ricardo was never the enemy.  Ignorance was. Once Jake dealt with THAT enemy, the obstacles vanished.

Being causative means being able to make what you want to happen. Ignorance of how to do that is the only enemy standing in your path.

Be the cause!

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Communication lessons from a fig farmer

Tony Inzana owns a 190 acre ranch in central California and brings his organic produce every Sunday morning to my local farmers market.  He grows the juiciest, most delicious figs in the galaxy.  His pistachios and walnuts have a just-picked freshness you can’t find anywhere else. Each black mulberry bursts with sweet, intense juice.

All this abundance is harvested just yesterday and brought brimming with a life and flavor that make your taste buds stand up and sing.

Tony also has the distinction of having, not only the longest line of customers waiting to buy, much longer than of any of the other farm stands in the market, but also the slowest moving one.  This line moves REAL slow.

The reason for that is because Tony talks to each person as they get to him.  He tells you what time he picked whatever you’re buying, what’s happening with the weather, what the crop will be like next week.

He wants to find out what you’re going to do with it (are you going to grill the figs or put them in your salad?). You’ll hear about his friend coming to visit from Australia and he’ll want to find out what’s going on in your life.

The people waiting in line have no recourse but to talk to each other, which they do. You find out new recipes, you learn about fruit you never thought about buying that the person in front of you has loaded in their basket, you get talked into trying the kiwi.

The lady behind me this past Sunday got impatient.  It was her first time shopping in the stand.  She was huffing and puffing and commenting on how slow the line was moving. Tony noticed this and gave me a fig to share with her. That shut her right up.  When she tasted her fig, she wanted to find out what else in the stand was that good, which I was happy to tell her.  This naturally led to a discussion about the incredible earrings she was wearing.  She got friendly and talkative along with the rest of us.

In today’s age of efficiency, in today’s age of impatience with slow-moving lines, Tony’s business model defies current wisdom.

Everybody wants things fast, they want to get in and get out and get on with the next thing.

I have never seen anyone approach life and business as leisurely as Tony. He is slow on purpose.  He is very deliberate about building a relationship with each person who buys from him.   If you don’t like it, you don’t have to shop there.

When you finally make it up to the front to pay, and it’s your turn for him to talk with you, he’ll still continue to take his time.  Tony makes unusually direct eye contact and listens intently.  He carefully considers what you tell him, what kind of salad you’re making, what your friend said about the dried cherries you got last week, how much you miss the pomegranates when they’re out of season.  He’s interested in everything about you. 

Business is personal in Tony’s world.  Very personal.

He’s a happy man.  Very few eyes in this world twinkle like Tony’s do.  Looking into them is magical.

The sellout crowds in his stand don’t just come for the figs or walnuts.  Two weeks ago Tony wasn’t there.  It was his birthday and he was off celebrating.  His replacement kept the line moving fast and there was a second person helping too.  Hardly any waiting.  But when Tony came back last Sunday, everyone was asking him, “Where were you??????????  We MISSED you!!!!!!!”  The slow, long line was back and the sellout crowd was happy again.

You can watch people who just paid walking away, laughing, beaming. And as you walk away, you find yourself grinning a happy grin that stays in place for several minutes after you’ve gone.

You’ve received so much MORE than the fresh and dried fruits and nuts in your bag.  You’ve just had a powerful conversation with a man who really cares.  He cares about what he grows. And he cares about you.

Not everyone is willing to wait in a slow-moving line, to wait for the seemingly endless conversations ahead to come to a finale.

It’s surprising how many are though.  The combination of extraordinary food and soul-nourishing conversation makes it all worthwhile.  They respond and are drawn to it.  Tony has a long line from the moment he opens to the very last.  No one grumbles. 

What it tells me is that, MANY people care not only about the quality of what they’re buying, but also about the quality of real communication and, as a result, the quality of relationship, they experience.  That it’s worth waiting for.  That it’s valuable to them.

In truth, I think the world is hungry for it.

If that’s what you choose to serve, people will come, they will stay, and when they leave, they will REMEMBER.

Be the cause!

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A one-way ticket out of anticipation station

Your face, especially your eyes, communicate what’s going on inside of you. We may try to disguise our inner thoughts, fears, doubts, but our eyes don’t lie.

When I show people videos of themselves in the Causative Communication workshop, they can see clearly that once they get past the initial social smile, everything they’re really thinking shows up on their face. Self-doubt, disappointment, disapproval, fear, frustration, dislike, whatever your opinion is of the other person, everything.

Your facial expression and how you look at someone is a direct communication to them and actually regulates the outcome you get.

Trying to change your facial expression is a pointless activity.  It will only make you look fake.

That’s one of the reasons why in my coaching and workshops I work on what’s going on inside you.  When you get the inside right, the outside takes care of itself.

But we don’t start out that way. Instead, we start with situations like these…

Diana sits down to have a difficult conversation with a coworker. She anticipates it is going to be very uncomfortable, at least in the beginning.  Her facial expression is strained.

Martin initiates an important conversation to persuade a peer to put in extra work on a new project. He anticipates resistance. His facial expression is grim and slightly combative.

Sheila requests a meeting to continue a discussion in which she repeatedly expresses her doubts. Her concerns have been ignored and resources are being poorly allocated. She wants to express her point of view one more time in the last hope that possibly she’ll be heard. She anticipates stubbornness and lack of interest. Her facial expression is defeated.

Jim approaches his boss to talk about taking on new responsibility that will greatly further his career. He anticipates his boss telling him he isn’t ready. His facial expression is pleading, almost anguished.

In all the situations above, what these folks are anticipating has shaped their facial expressions. The solution is not to change what you’re anticipating from something negative to something positive.

The solution is to be completely in the moment.

So COMFORTABLY in the moment you’re not anticipating anything. This gives you a look of tremendous presence. And poise.

Most people have no idea that how they look at someone determines so much about the relationship and the outcomes they get.  It’s huge.

In my workshops, I can video people and show them how amazing they look when they’re able to stay fully and comfortably in the moment and feel affinity for the other person.

Even before they start to speak, you can feel the power. They often gasp when they see themselves because it’s so dramatic.

The words my students have used to describe how it feels are “weightless”, “serene”, “unflappable”, “totally in control” and “comfortable”.

It takes a lot of work to master the skill of being in the moment, to be present, all the time.

But it is work worth doing. And the payoff extends to every area of your life.

Some people look at our workshops and say we teach “communications kills,” but what we really teach is an effortless way to create success.

Be the cause!

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Creating JOY

Today, I have a simple message:  being causative creates JOY.

First, I’ll clarify what being causative means. To cause means to produce an effect. Causative means effective as a cause or agent.  Effective means serving your intended purpose.

Causative communication is the ability to produce your intended effect and achieve your intended purpose at will with communication.

I recently completed a series of Causative Communication workshops and now have graduates emailing me what’s happening as they take these skills into the real world.

• One gentleman wrote about a meeting he facilitates with 10 individuals in three different times zones. This is a meeting that previously erupted into debates, ran overtime and ended with unsatisfying results. This time, the meeting ended 13 minutes early, friendly as can be, with all agenda items covered, with solid consensus and commitment for action items and next steps. This is now the new normal.

•  Another executive, who had been perceived as unapproachable, wrote that people are now gravitating toward him. He can’t believe how much his relationships have grown.

•  A mother told me that normally she had to wrestle the iPad from her teenage son to get his attention. Now, without her saying anything about it and without any effort, when he senses her presence he puts the iPad down and gives her his full attention.

•  A sales director wrote about giving a presentation on a contentious topic to a group of 23 leaders. The presentation stirred up concerns and frustrations. However, using what she learned, she wrote that her most interesting observation was the influence she had on her audience. They relaxed, paid more attention and the tension in the room lessened.  Her presentation was powerful and impactful.

•  A young man wrote that, while he was not due for a promotion at this time, he decided to open up a conversation about it with his boss anyway. He was amazed at how far the discussion went and how promising an immediate promotion now looks.

•  A previously introverted engineer wrote that he’s making deep personal connections at a rate he never thought possible. He said he’s even connecting with people just with his eye contact as he passes them in the hall. He wrote that the connections he’s making are very meaningful and he’s rather blown away by the power of them.

• A CEO who has taken over a dysfunctional organization is straightening everything out and rapidly getting everyone on board with the difficult changes that need to be made. A completely new, vibrant and positive organizational culture is now blossoming.

• A normally reserved executive from London engaged in a social conversation unusual for him with a very large African-American who warmed up to him so much, he enthusiastically fist bumped him. The ultra-conservative Londoner had never generated so much enthusiasm, had certainly never been fist bumped before, and was elated.

• A woman who previously felt disrespected and dismissed by the senior leadership team of her organization is now told she is compelling and receives all the support from them she’s requesting.

Being causative is thrilling.  It brings an emotional rush that is intensely pleasurable and even exhilarating. It’s the source of great joy.

You are here to be causative.  With some work, it can be your natural state.

Your natural state can be JOY.

All you need to do is make the decision to do the work.

Be the cause!

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Gaining respect

Ruth cringed every time she saw her boss walking towards her…

Beth, a VP in stiletto heels with a mean streak the length of the Mississippi River, drowned her staff in unreasonable expectations and then verbally whipped them when they fell short.  She tore into them in public, relentlessly ripping the latest luckless soul for whatever her latest upset was.

Beth was especially vicious whenever Ruth returned from taking time off, hammering and blaming Ruth for everything that had gone wrong while was she was gone.  Ruth dreaded returning to work.

Beth’s sole ambition was to make it to SVP and she made it clear it was everyone’s job to get her there.

Not one person on her staff was able to successfully manage Beth’s cruel outbursts. They all commiserated about it when Beth wasn’t around, but no one could face up to her.  So the situation persisted.

Ruth signed up for Causative Communication because her daily interactions with Beth were destroying her.  Physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually.  Ruth, normally an incredibly capable woman, was a wreck. She wasn’t sleeping and was developing an ulcer.

After hearing about all this, I suggested to Ruth that finding a new role with a better boss might be her best option.  Ruth made it clear that she didn’t want to leave feeling defeated, that she needed to leave as a success, that she wanted to gain the ability to transform herself and the entire situation before she left.

The problem was, Ruth was unable to calmly and effectively face Beth. Just seeing Beth walk toward her created so much emotional churn, any communication skills Ruth did possess flew out the window.

One of the first things that Ruth and I focused on was developing the ability to be there comfortably and face a difficult person and situation. The goal was to get the emotional churn to disappear.  This took practice.

It was a real victory when Ruth gained control and was able to face anyone and anything calmly, comfortably, with clarity, even surrounded by an emotional tornado. This ability completely set the necessary foundation for her now to be able to competently handle the situation.

The next thing we worked on was increasing her ability to maintain purposeful intention when she was communicating with Beth.

We also worked on her ability to maintain her affinity for Beth. Communication is impossible in the absence of affinity. Often people give you many reasons not to like them, but if you fall for it, you won’t be able to talk with them and make real communication happen.

This isn’t as hard as it sounds.  Even with her mean streak, Beth was extremely smart and strategic.  Ruth is naturally a warm person and did find things to genuinely like about her.

Soon after the training, Ruth was at her desk and could see Beth coming out of her office. She was starting her determined and familiar “poison death march.”

As she approached, Beth’s malicious gaze zeroed in on Ruth.

But it was different this time.

Ruth’s eyes solidly met and held Beth’s.  This time Ruth didn’t cringe in fear.  Ruth met Beth’s eyes calmly, comfortably, intently, and with strong affinity.

Then a miracle happened.

Beth started to slow down, making it only halfway across the floor, and then she abruptly stopped. She looked uncertain, confused even. Beth looked away from Ruth for a moment, turned around and walked back to her office.

Ruth transformed her relationship with Beth with just one look. It was never the same again.  Ruth became the one person Beth treated with respect from there on out.

How could that possibly have happened?

When you have certainty about your own communication skills, you change at your core.

Everyone who talks to you, and sometimes only even looks at you, picks up on that. It’s not that you’re aggressive, but that you’re a real force to be reckoned with.  Most importantly, you’re a friendly, not a hostile, force. Your power is manifested in your presence, in how you deliver your words, how you listen, how you communicate.

This completely changes how they respond to you.  Admiration and respect naturally follow.

It’s important that you live your life without fear, without intimidation, with respect from everyone around you.  Most people will give you respect because they hold it as a core value.

But the (hopefully limited) number of times when you have to deal with someone who was raised by wolves, that’s when you need communication skills to transform the situation, and even the person. You want to have these skills sharp and ready by your side.

Be the cause!

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The “glance” with a seven-figure price tag

Marcus had been talking to his boss about a promotion to VP for quite a while without getting any closer. Marcus found the discussions stressful and the endless waiting frustrating, which is why he came to my workshop on Causative Communication.

The mistake Marcus was making is the same one I’ve seen MANY people make:  He thought the decision (if and when to promote him) was not in his hands.  He thought it was up to the people doing the promoting.

Most people in Marcus’ situation believe they can present their case, but that after that, they’re powerless. They have to sit back and wait while the “powers that be” decide.

What they don’t realize is that those making the decision are just reflecting you back to yourself.

It’s very much like an ice-skating competition. If you skate perfectly, the judges HAVE to give you a 10.  If you stumble at the beginning or if you are less than flawless, they’re forced to give you a lesser score.  

All the judges are doing is reflecting back the skater.

It’s actually entirely up to you what happens. Can you believe that?

Most people experience stress when talking about why they should get promoted. They’re uncomfortable. Their minds are full of doubt. Their communication is full of strain.

The decision that comes back is simply a reflection of this.

This is true in all your communication, not just situations where you want a promotion. The reaction you see from the other person is a reflection of how well you’re dealing with the situation.

When your communication is flawless, there’s a transformation that happens in the other person, even if they’re a “judge” of you.   They can’t help but give you a “10” and decide accordingly.

It’s the same thing when communicating about a promotion.

If you feel powerless about the outcome, that will be reflected back to you.  The reflection will show powerlessness.

If you feel the outcome is in “their” hands, you will come across as someone who does not deserve a promotion.  Especially if you’re trying to get promoted to the higher levels like VP and above.

The decision you receive will be a reflection of your own powerlessness.

You don’t have to work hard to get the outcome you want.  You simply have to communicate with clarity, certainty and intention.

Many people confuse these three things with conviction.  Conviction is how much you believe in something.

Your promotion does not at all depend on how much you believe you deserve it.  If it did, there would be no issue, you’d have it.

Many people go into these conversations with the idea they need to convince the other person to achieve the outcome they want.  But the harder you try to convince someone that you deserve something, the more powerless you seem.  In terms of getting a promotion, this “convincing” approach is the kiss of death.

It’s the difference between communicating for the purpose of getting them to agree with you (which will always make you seem UNcausative), and communicating for the purpose of real understanding (which will always make you powerful.)

One of the biggest mistakes people make when wanting a promotion is talking about why they deserve the promotion. This makes you come across as imploring, anxious, in need.

It’s not a question of what you deserve. It’s a question of where you belong.

When you communicate that you belong at the VP level with complete clarity, complete intention to be understood, and complete certainty that you will be fully understood, you come across like the promotion is the only right course of action, no question about it.

The decision that comes back will reflect that.

Marcus ended months of circular conversations by doing just what I described to you. And wouldn’t you know it, “they” made the decision to promote him to VP within hours, not weeks or months.

Be the cause!

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Mirror, mirror on the wall, will I get promoted today, at all?

Marcus had been talking to his boss about a promotion to VP for quite a while without getting any closer. Marcus found the discussions stressful and the endless waiting frustrating, which is why he came to my workshop on Causative Communication.

The mistake Marcus was making is the same one I’ve seen MANY people make:  He thought the decision (if and when to promote him) was not in his hands.  He thought it was up to the people doing the promoting.

Most people in Marcus’ situation believe they can present their case, but that after that, they’re powerless. They have to sit back and wait while the “powers that be” decide.

What they don’t realize is that those making the decision are just reflecting you back to yourself.

It’s very much like an ice-skating competition. If you skate perfectly, the judges HAVE to give you a 10.  If you stumble at the beginning or if you are less than flawless, they’re forced to give you a lesser score.  

All the judges are doing is reflecting back the skater.

It’s actually entirely up to you what happens. Can you believe that?

Most people experience stress when talking about why they should get promoted. They’re uncomfortable. Their minds are full of doubt. Their communication is full of strain.

The decision that comes back is simply a reflection of this.

This is true in all your communication, not just situations where you want a promotion. The reaction you see from the other person is a reflection of how well you’re dealing with the situation.

When your communication is flawless, there’s a transformation that happens in the other person, even if they’re a “judge” of you.   They can’t help but give you a “10” and decide accordingly.

It’s the same thing when communicating about a promotion.

If you feel powerless about the outcome, that will be reflected back to you.  The reflection will show powerlessness.

If you feel the outcome is in “their” hands, you will come across as someone who does not deserve a promotion.  Especially if you’re trying to get promoted to the higher levels like VP and above.

The decision you receive will be a reflection of your own powerlessness.

You don’t have to work hard to get the outcome you want.  You simply have to communicate with clarity, certainty and intention.

Many people confuse these three things with conviction.  Conviction is how much you believe in something.

Your promotion does not at all depend on how much you believe you deserve it.  If it did, there would be no issue, you’d have it.

Many people go into these conversations with the idea they need to convince the other person to achieve the outcome they want.  But the harder you try to convince someone that you deserve something, the more powerless you seem.  In terms of getting a promotion, this “convincing” approach is the kiss of death.

It’s the difference between communicating for the purpose of getting them to agree with you (which will always make you seem UNcausative), and communicating for the purpose of real understanding (which will always make you powerful.)

One of the biggest mistakes people make when wanting a promotion is talking about why they deserve the promotion. This makes you come across as imploring, anxious, in need.

It’s not a question of what you deserve. It’s a question of where you belong.

When you communicate that you belong at the VP level with complete clarity, complete intention to be understood, and complete certainty that you will be fully understood, you come across like the promotion is the only right course of action, no question about it.

The decision that comes back will reflect that.

Marcus ended months of circular conversations by doing just what I described to you. And wouldn’t you know it, “they” made the decision to promote him to VP within hours, not weeks or months.

Be the cause!

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You’re “too” direct

You're “too” direct.  Has anyone ever said that to you?

First of all, before I comment on it, I’d like to point out that any feedback that starts with the word “too”, is never going to be good.  They never say, “You're too interesting, you’re too fabulous, you’re too much of a leader, you’re too dependable.”   Whenever you hear the word “too”, it always means something bad is coming right after it.

This past week I had many people calling about our Causative Communication Live! workshop and a number of them said, “I've gotten feedback that I'm too direct.”

I laugh when I hear this because I know I’m probably 5 times more direct than they are, but no one ever tells me I’m too direct.  I’m happy to teach them how I do it.  They’re getting into trouble because they just don’t understand what being direct is all about and how to do it effectively.

In the dictionary, direct is defined as “proceeding in a straight line or arriving by the shortest course.”  It means “straight”.  How could that be bad?

Direct comes from the Latin word directus meaning “straight” and “set straight”.  To set straight means to make certain someone knows the REAL facts about a situation.

How could that be bad? How could you be doing too much of it?

Well, if you’re being told this, the problem is NOT that you’re too direct.  The problem is that you’re doing something else that’s upsetting.  I have found that most of the time when people are being told they’re “too direct”, they’re not being direct AT ALL.

For example, this happened today.  One of my clients, a Senior Director named Bill (not his real name), is going to an offsite this coming week.  His boss, a VP, has asked his team of direct reports to each prepare a question to ask him that will promote better understanding between him and the team.  The VP said, “This is your opportunity where you can ask me ANYTHING.”

Bill, who’s been frequently told he’s too direct, was planning to ask the VP, "Why do you tolerate mediocre performance from others?"  Bill really wanted to know the answer to this question, but was concerned he might be perceived as being too direct by asking it, so he asked me what I thought.

I told Bill he wasn't actually being direct at all by asking this question.  The problem with the question was that it was too INDIRECT.  The reason I say that is because it wasn’t going to lead him DIRECTLY to his desired outcome.  It was going to take him somewhere he DIDN’T want to go.  Let me explain.

I asked him what outcome he wanted. Bill said, “My boss holds himself to an extremely high standard.  But he doesn’t hold others to that standard, which causes our team to have mediocre performance.” The outcome Bill wanted was for the boss to hold EVERYONE to high standards so that he could be part of a high-performing team.

Another aspect of this that created a problem was that, because the boss wasn’t holding the team accountable, Bill ended up trying himself to hold everyone on the team accountable and this was creating problems because he wasn’t really in a position to do it – you can imagine the problems he was having I’m sure, everyone was ignoring him.

I explained to Bill that asking, “Why?”  was not going to get him that outcome of the VP holding everyone to a high standard. It was not the direct way to get the outcome. 

First of all, he didn’t need to ask his VP, “Why?”  I can answer, “Why?” for him.

There are two parts to the answer.

1. I’ve coached enough people to know the VP doesn't have any idea why he tolerates mediocre performance. So if you ask him that question, he's just going to DEFEND and JUSTIFY, but not give you the real root cause.

The ONLY time it's safe to ask, “Why?”  is when the person KNOWS the root cause. So, for example, if I ask my gardener, “Why did that azalea bush die?” He might say something like, “You didn’t water it.”  In this context, the question makes sense because my gardener knows the root cause.

One of my clients recently discovered her son is doing drugs. She’s been asking him why he’s doing drugs. I’m sure he has no idea.  He’s going to try to pull reasons out of thin air to satisfy her.  He’s going to look for ways he’s been victimized.  He’ll justify and defend.  But none of these mean he knows the REAL reason why.

Asking “Why?” can also upset people.  In the VP example, you can see how he could easily be upset by being asked, “Why do you tolerate mediocrity?”

2. I can tell you why the boss is tolerating mediocrity, you don’t even need to ask that question. The VP is tolerating mediocrity because he doesn't have the skills to do anything about it. He probably doesn't even know what those skills are. 

As someone who’s coached people for 30 years, I can assure you the reason they are doing what they're doing is because they don't have the skills to do something else.

As soon as they have the skills, they WILL do something else. I see this ALL the time.

People mistakenly assume the other person doesn't WANT to do something else. That’s not at all my experience. If this boss has high standards for himself, which I believe he does, then I don't believe he wants to tolerate mediocrity in other people. That would be terrible!  If you have high standards, you hate tolerating mediocrity in your direct reports.  It makes you crazy!  I just don't believe he has the skills to do anything about it. 

So if Bill wants to be direct about achieving the real outcome that he wants, what’s the RIGHT question to ask?  What’s the most DIRECT question to get to his outcome?

I suggested saying this, “You set such a high standard for yourself, what would it take for you to set the same standard for everyone else and make sure that everyone else achieves that high standard?”

I’m not saying this is ALWAYS the right question.  I don’t believe EVER in tactics, techniques, or gimmicks when it comes to people and relationships.  And I don’t teach, “Always ask this question ….”  I just don’t think human beings operate that way. 

I believe it takes a lot of skill and judgment to know the right questions to ask and when you understand the science of relationships and have these skills, you’ll KNOW the right question to ask.  And it won’t be the same one every time.

This particular question of “What would it take …?”  is MORE DIRECT than the question he was originally thinking of asking.  It's a better question. The reason is because it puts the focus on the outcome and what’s needed to achieve it.  It bypasses asking a question that the VP can not only not answer, but one that will just make him defensive and justify what he’s doing.  This question bypasses upsetting the VP and gets to the desired outcome directly.

Most of the people I coach who have been told that they’re too direct are making similar mistakes.

Just as an aside, most of the people I coach fall into 1 of 2 camps.  They’re either told they’re “too direct” or that they “don’t speak up enough” (or they “don’t speak up clearly”). 

Both camps are missing the skills they need to be successfully direct.

There are about 7 different skills that you need to master to be EXTREMELY DIRECT yet VERY WELL RECEIVED. 

In other words, after you’ve been direct, the other person says to you, “Thank you, that was VERY helpful.”  Or, “Thank you, that was very powerful.”  In other words, they are GRATEFUL that you were direct, and you made CHANGE happen.

I’ll be talking about these skills in next week’s issue of Causative Communication.

Being direct is GOOD. You just need to be aware of and make sure you master ALL the skills needed to make you EFFECTIVE at it. 

And then you’re going to find being direct to be exhilarating and productive and people are going to say to you, “You really helped me.”

Master these skills and go ahead and be VERY direct!

The power to transform any situation or any person begins with your ability to assume the cause role in your communications. 

Be the cause!

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How to talk to a room full of idiots

Steve, one of our clients, had the idea of the century. Unfortunately, nobody was buying it. He had been presenting it to management with zero success.

He brought this idea to his first presentation in the Transforming Your Presentation Skills workshop.

His attitude was, “You idiots! You need to really get this.”

Of course no one got it. It’s no surprise that nothing happened with an approach like that.

It’s never smart to present to a group of people you feel are idiots. In Steve’s case, he just couldn’t find anything good about the people he was talking to.

At the workshop, that was the first thing we changed.

And when he increased his affinity for the people in his audience, everything was different. Suddenly everyone was willing to listen to him. It was a dramatic shift.

Understand this:

Whatever you’re thinking about the person (or people) you’re speaking with is clearly transmitted directly to them in ways you might not realize.

The way you look at them, the tone of your voice, everything gets through.

We humans are WAY more telepathic than is commonly realized. We think we’re hiding our thoughts, but we’re not. We can’t! We’re energetically broadcasting everything in many ways.

Your attitude toward the other person reflects your opinion of them. And people are VERY sensitive to others’ opinions of them. It’s one of the things they are MOST sensitive to.

People will respond more quickly and more forcefully to your opinion of them than to the words you are using. They will do this every single time.

If you’re talking to your boss and you have the opinion he has more authority and influence over your future than you do, that belief gets transmitted and puts you in a “one down” position. This is going to mess with your intention and negatively impact any conversation you have about requests, promotions and raises.

If you’re are talking to your teenage child and you have the opinion they don’t know as much as you do, or that they’re making a mistake with their life, this is going to provoke an immediate and strong reaction that is not going to help your cause.

Anytime you have the opinion the other person is wrong, you’re asking for trouble.

Your opinion of them is the FIRST thing they pick up.

It is what they respond to.

This works in positive ways too. Did you ever have a teacher who thought you were really smart, good, creative? How did you respond to that teacher?

Does this mean you have to have a phony opinion of people? Do you have to pretend that they’re right when you really think they’re wrong? No! You need to stay true to yourself.

Pretending will work against you. When the other person senses you’re pretending, you will come across as condescending. And that spells doom.

If you want to be successful in one of these difficult situations, you need to take your attention OFF the negative opinion you have, and find things that you do like and do respect about this person. You need to genuinely prepare yourself for the conversation.

This is a skill. You have to practice it to master it.

When you can do this in any conversation, with any person, under any circumstance, even when they’re pushing your buttons, then you are on the road to becoming a world class communicator.

Be the cause!

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The dark secret about why audiences multitask

The only reason audiences multitask during presentations is because the presenter is not good enough to captive and keep their attention.

No one likes to hear this, especially presenters!

People like to think there’s something wrong with the audience. They blame it on bad manners. They blame it on shrinking attention spans. They blame it on corporate culture. They blame it on how busy people are that they need to do multiple things at one time.

In other words, they blame it on the audience.

This line of reasoning might hold water except for the preponderance of proof showing it’s wrong. The fact is, there are presenters in this world who are good enough to make it impossible for an audience to multitask. 

It’s never the audience.  It’s always the presenter.

One time I was asked to give a one-hour presentation at a brown bag lunch in a major Silicon Valley corporation.  150 people came, 150 laptops were opened along with lunches.  When I started to speak, no more than five people were making eye contact with me. The others were somewhat listening along, doing email and munching.

I didn’t view it as their problem.  I viewed it as a test of my skill. 

Within 10 minutes, without my ever saying anything about it, 149 laptops were closed.

I really connected with the audience.  One person at a time.

I made a very strong visual connection with them.  It was all about presence. And I delivered what I was saying with very strong intention. Not passion or effort…INTENTION.  I made it look effortless.

I didn’t wait for them to connect with me.  That’s not their job. It’s mine.

There was one guy in the back who didn’t stop multitasking.  A couple minutes into my presentation he looked up and gave me a very dirty look, like he was seriously annoyed with me.  A couple minutes later, another dirty look.  Then a couple more. 

Finally, he looked at me with complete irritation, stood up, picked up his computer and left the room.

After the presentation I found him working outside the conference room. Curious about what was so upsetting that it made him leave, I went over to him and said, “I’m sorry you didn’t like the presentation. It looked like what I was saying was really not to your liking, I apologize.”

He said, “That’s not what happened, it’s actually the opposite. I’m on a deadline to get this report out right now. I was hoping I could work on it and listen to you at the same time. But it was impossible to work on the report, I kept finding myself pulled into what you were saying. The only way I could concentrate on the report was to leave the room. So I was pissed off that I couldn’t stay and hear you.”

This isn’t some gift I was born with. It’s a skill. What’s great about that is it means it’s something you can master.

I hear from my students all the time that they used to have audiences that multitask and now their audiences are completely engaged.

This is one example of many from one of my students:

“The entire room was in complete silence and so engaged during the entire hour that you could practically feel the energy from their eyes and minds. If you have ever sat in a meeting with the senior leadership team, you know how unusual that is. Normally it is a multi-tasking fest!”

The longer you think it’s something about the audience that makes them multitask, the farther away you are from this skill. The sooner you decide to be a presenter who makes it impossible for your audience to multitask, the closer you are to mastering this ability and making it happen.

There’s little more gratifying than having an audience on the edge of their seats, utterly captivated. Can you handle that kind of power?

Come and discover how to do this at an upcoming Transforming Your Presentation Skills

I guarantee you won’t be multi-tasking while you’re there!

Be the cause!

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The secret to persuasion

Katie told her boss she was ready for a promotion. Her boss said, “No, I don’t really think so. I think you need to demonstrate some key leadership skills in several upcoming projects and then we can take a look at it.”

Most people at this point would do one of two things:

1. They would give up and acquiesce, say, “Okay, but can we talk about it again after I complete these projects?”

   or

2. They would try to change the boss’s mind. Maybe present data, give some examples, politely argue that they’re ready, get into a discussion.

I have never seen either of these paths be successful.

The problem with #1 is that it makes you wait for something you don’t want to wait for. Waiting strips you of causativeness. I never recommend it.

The problem with #2 is that it puts you into a lengthy discussion or debate that will most probably get you no results.

The mistake most people make in this scenario is they try to CHANGE the other person’s reality. This for sure will get you nowhere. Let me tell you why.

Every person on Earth fully believes their version of “reality”. Katie believes she’s ready for a promotion, that’s her reality. Her boss’ reality is that it will take several more projects and more demonstration of skills. It’s not REAL to the boss that Katie is ready.

Here’s a natural law.

When you try to change the other person’s reality, they resist you. Pure and simple.

This is why people encounter resistance. No one likes to have someone else try to change their mind or their view of reality.

But realities do change. People do change their minds. How?

The only thing you CAN do with another person’s reality is listen to it with great interest, understand and acknowledge it.

This is usually done very poorly, but is important beyond belief.

When we don’t like another person’s reality, we’re usually not that keen on hearing or understanding it, and we give very weak, usually dismissive acknowledgments.

Big mistake.

This point is so important. The only thing you can do with another person’s reality is listen really well, understand and acknowledge it.

Here’s another natural law.

If you do that skillfully, they will be satisfied that you really understand them.

At that point, and ONLY at that point, they will automatically open up to what you have to say about your reality.

Up to that point, they’re not really hearing you.

Creating that moment where they open up and are interested in your point of view is key.

All you have to do at this point when they are open and interested, is communicate your reality until they totally get it. Most people stop short of the finish line on this step.

There’s a world of difference between trying to change the other person’s reality and communicating your own reality.

It’s worth spending a couple minutes working this out for yourself with examples that are real to you, because I have seen this one point be the success “make or break point” in persuasion.

It’s an attitude of: “I fully understand where you’re coming from. I’m not trying to change your mind. I really get it. I just want to let you know what I think, where I’m coming from. I just want you to understand that.”

In other words, full mutual understanding is your goal, not persuasion.

The conversation may continue back-and-forth, but if it’s done skillfully in this manner, the other person starts to incorporate your reality into their reality.

This happens naturally, organically, automatically. They start to be able to think with your reality. As they do that, their reality changes because it now includes yours.

That’s exactly what Katie did. And in only one conversation she not only got the promotion she desired, but a salary increase that made her do a spontaneous joyful dance when no one was looking.

She said it felt like magic. Probably because it is. Causative communication is magic, no doubt about it.

If powerful, authentic, non-manipulative persuasion is a skill you’d like to perfect under the guidance of an expert coach, I invite you to our next Causative Communication Live! workshop. What would you do if you could remove every obstacle in your path?

Be the cause!

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The source of powerful body language

Last week I delivered a workshop to 42 extremely bright design engineers.

I asked for a volunteer and a real life situation so the group could see exactly the change I was teaching.  I like to demonstrate everything and everyone loves these demonstrations.

The volunteer came up with a difficult scenario relevant to the group. She was trying to persuade me to try a new design that threatened the status quo and my firmly held beliefs.  I was stubbornly yet realistically (exactly the way it happens in real life) not going for it.  

She talked and talked. It was tense, uncomfortable, she was unsuccessful.

I coached her and had her do it again.  Suddenly she got through to me.  With just one sentence.  It wasn’t what she said, it wasn’t the words.  

It was how she said it.

The senior executive of the group burst out with, “Her whole body language changed!” 

It was true.  Everything about her body language had changed. Her eyes, the way she looked at me as she was leaning toward me, her hand gestures, her shoulder position, the expression on her face, her whole face, her whole body, everything. 

She had real power.

It reminded me of all the times I’ve been asked in my workshops questions about body language, its importance, how to make it effective.

If you start focusing on your hands, whether your eyes arms are crossed, your facial expression, leaning in, your hand gestures, what your feet are doing, any of this, you’ve got way too much attention on all the wrong things.

Body language comes from within.  

When everything INSIDE you falls into place, your body language will be perfect.  

When you achieve a calm stillness, a presence, complete certainty, total confidence, a feeling of real warmth for the other person, inner strength, positive intention, unhurried poise, pure understanding ... believe me, at that moment, your face is radiant and your body language is powerful.

That's what I coached her on.

It wasn’t that her body language was suddenly effective and therefore so was she.  It was the other way around.  What was inside her suddenly became powerfully effective and her body language was a reflection of that.

The place to focus is within.  That’s where the source of being causative is located.  In your heart, in your mind, in that place where you are really you, the best version of you.

Bring that out and get that right, believe me, you will be causative.

And your body language will reflect your power.

Be the cause!

Ingrid 

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