To other people, listening means, “I’m not so interested but I’ll pretend.”

The problem is that pretended interest, pretended listening, pretended anything … well, it’s no foundation for a good conversation, a good relationship, nor good outcomes.

Mike heard about the extraordinary team meeting, called me into his office and told me that I had “very powerful persuasion skills.” Mike said, “Whatever you told him, it really worked.”

The team pulled me aside and wanted to know what I said to create this turn-around. They thought I’d spoken some “magic words” that cast a spell over Tom.

Gisele showed up for her coaching session with me and said, “I’m presenting really well now, I only have one stumbling block. Martin is blocking my proposal and I can’t go forward without him.  He’s really stubborn.  Won’t listen and he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.”

Why do people do that?

10 years ago, a man came in trying to sell me something. I felt sorry for him and decided to listen to what he had to say. I hadn’t listened for three minutes before I stopped him and said, “I’m not going to buy anything. But I’m going to coach you on your communication skills. Right now you’re not going to sell anything to anyone.” He smiled ruefully and said, “How did you know? I’m not making any sales, no one’s buying from me.”

There’s talking. Then there’s communicating. The difference between these two may not be visible to the average person, but is very visible in the effect you create on the other person and in the deep satisfaction of your outcome, including the relationship you develop.

That’s what dignity looks like.

People often try to change the outward thing:  the posture, the voice, the eye contact, the gesture.

But what makes a man stand tall? An instruction to straighten his back? A reminder to lift his head? A lesson in how to carry himself?