A team can be good when it has a star, or even two stars. But it’s nothing compared to a unified, seamless team when you are ALL amazing. This kind of team creates a juggernaut of exhilaration as it makes a common purpose real and broadly felt throughout the whole organization.
It’s a joy to be a star. It’s an even greater feeling of elation to be part of a dream team. You walk that much taller, hold your head up that much higher, knowing that to your left and to your right, your compadres are doing the same.
Dream teams are not the product of some mysterious luck or having a few stars. They’re shaped by practice. And they can happen fast.
Today is Administrative Professionals Day when we celebrate the unsung heroes of the corporate world. I’ve been working with them for decades and my admiration for them is boundless.
This article is about an extraordinary one, Debbie Gross, the author of The Office Rockstar Playbook: How I Leveled Up as an Executive Assistant and Helped My CEO Build a Multibillion-Dollar Company.
When you Google, “How to handle stage fright”, you’ll find many strange suggestions, some from very prestigious sources. I saw a video posted by a respected MBA program where the solution presented is finding a friendly face and only talking to them. Audiences hate that. Another impressive source posted a video demonstrating “Power Poses” where you have one hand on your hip and another on a chair. Looks ridiculous when you actually do it. Another respected source recommended drinking orange juice. Makes me wonder if he has investments in the orange juice industry.
No mention of a root cause.
I’ve been asked to coach the CEO of a major global corporation. Google his name and an abundance of videos pop up. I’m watching portions of many of them to assess where I can help him.
This is a man who has been given so much advice on “how you need to come across”, it overwhelmed and finally drowned his soul. Unfortunately, he listened to it. It led him into crafting this artificial persona. The persona he’s been told Wall Street and a faceless group of investors demands.
I’m seeing the superficial performance of a well-scripted theatrical role: “the successful CEO you should invest in.”
It all began when a re-organization thrust Olivia into a new department. She felt like a failure almost immediately.
The people on the new team were openly hostile, smug, superior, stubborn, cold, uninviting, and often mean.
Olivia very badly wanted to blame them.
But Olivia did something that most people don’t do when faced with a situation like this.
The look in your eyes tells me everything I need to know. Way in advance of it happening, I can tell by the look in your eyes if you are going to win, barely maintain, or lose.
What is it I see? I see the strength of your intention. It tells me everything about how it’s going to turn out for you.
Intention is something I teach, so I know a lot about it. It’s the secret ingredient of all success.
But, intention is not generally well understood.
Leo, a newly promoted Vice President in a major corporation, came to me for coaching. He said, “I want to be compelling.”
I said, “I can help you with that. What’s the message you’re trying to get across?”
Leo said, “Oh! Do you think I need one?”
Leo wanted to be compelling because, well, he wanted to be compelling. That was it. He had no real message.
We see too much of this. All show and no substance. People who want to be powerful only to get attention. Or status. Or admiration. Or to be told they’re compelling.
2022 was an amazing year. I’ll bet you discovered abilities you didn’t even know you had. These last several years have required your strength, grit, determination, resourcefulness, intelligence, and all the internal resources you could muster.
Well done!
Now we look ahead to 2023.
Starting the first week of January, you’ll pick up your brush and paint the first stroke of color on your blank canvas that will, day by day, turn into the next year of your life.
How do you manifest a beautiful year?
I’m a first generation immigrant. My parents came from Lithuania, right across the sea from Sweden.
We have a beautiful Christmas Eve tradition I think you’ll enjoy hearing about. It creates a very special moment.
Each person at the dinner table receives a large wafer of unleavened bread and we have communion.
You might have heard of “Holy Communion”, which is different. That’s when a Priest blesses the wafer and gives it special religious significance.
This Christmas Eve tradition of communion is not religious. If you look the word communion up in the dictionary, without the word “Holy” in front of it, it means:
The sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.
You can see it’s something special.
I was inspired to write this article after attending the very moving Graduation for a group of 26 corporate attorneys who participated in our intensive 10-month professional development program. The purpose of this program is the achievement of superior communication skills. It includes developing Coaches who provide carefully crafted personal mentoring throughout the 10 months. Students apply what they’re learning to challenging situations and demonstrate their ability to create extraordinary results through outstanding communication.
These attorneys are great communicators to begin with.
However, to say they stepped out of their “comfort zone” to participate in this program is the understatement of understatements.
The exhilaration both Coaches and participants experienced by the end can hardly be captured in words.
One graduation requirement is for each participant to make a 2-minute video describing their journey, to talk about what they learned.
They gained a long, long list of new skills. In their videos, they each talk about the particular ways in which they use them. Each participant is very unique, has their own individual brand and accomplishments. And so, it was with some surprise to hear every single one of them highlight the same particular skill that they said they especially valued, one that had a particularly memorable impact on their relationships and their successes…
The company was in trouble. Wall Street was unhappy. The normally optimistic CEO was tense and tight-lipped during media interviews.
Daniel was watching his CEO on the news with a tight feeling in his stomach. Daniel’s been with the organization for almost 20 years and most of them had been energizing and fulfilling. However and unfortunately, the previous CEO had made significant errors in predicting the direction of technology, and they were paying for it now.
The organization wasn’t a ship you could turn around overnight.
Daniel could easily get a clear concept of the CEO’s vision. It was a good one, a strategy Daniel could believe in, get behind and, with the clever work of his team, help make happen faster and better.
It required radical change, but Daniel saw a clear path for making the CEO’s vision a reality.
The problem was, Daniel had no access to the CEO.
Between Daniel and the CEO are three levels of management. The level right above him had the strategy of a dinosaur, which was, “Don’t change anything”.
This brick wall of “We know best”, and stubborn resistance to new ideas, blocked Daniel from the man with the vision, a vision that was not penetrating down into the organization.
Elena, one of the Vice Presidents I’m coaching, came in laughing. I’ll let her tell you why in her own words:
“Our corporate office has been making us do the wrong thing with customers. We know it’s wrong and we’ve been complaining, but nothing’s changed, we don’t do anything about it.
My boss, Andrew, and I took a trip to corporate headquarters for a meeting with the senior execs. Andrew went on a rant about how it was wrong (he was right about everything). The senior execs listened but looked stone-faced.
Normally, I would go in combative. Normally, we come in on the defensive, ready to defend our position from corporate. It was clear that “Normally” wasn’t working.
I came in ready to create a real dialogue. I came in with the mindset, “This is an opportunity where we could do something different …”
I let the conversation play out. I came in ready to listen … and I did listen to everything.
Then I took my time and really acknowledged what they said. I made sure they felt I really heard them.
Suddenly, they were ready to receive – I saw a willingness there. And I said, “We know the problem. This is a time we can change direction.”
I saw this difference in them. They were open to it.
It happened so quickly – took less than 10 minutes.
Today we got an official email telling us to go ahead.
Andrew emailed me with, “What just happened?”
Today’s story about communication is from long ago, 1682 as a matter of fact. Much has been written about the first Thanksgiving and the debt and gratitude owed to the Native Americans who helped the struggling European settlers who were new to this land.
A little known story is of the Quaker William Penn who came from England in the 1600’s to escape severe religious persecution (he’d been thrown in prison twice already for his beliefs). His dream was to form a unique community of religious tolerance and inclusion in the new world, the first of its kind in the world.
The Lenape Native American tribe was already living on the land where Penn wanted to settle.
Before starting out on his journey across the sea, Penn wrote eloquently and respectfully to the Lenape, insisting that his words be meticulously translated into their language:
“I am very sensible of the unkindness and injustice that hath been too much exercised toward you by the people of these parts of the world, which I hear hath been a matter of trouble to you and caused great grudgings and animosities, sometimes to the shedding of blood … But I am not such a man …”
“I want to promote him, but I can’t.”
I heard three different executives say this last week. They were talking about three very different people that report to each of them, that they want me to coach, people who – by total coincidence – have the exact same problem holding them back.
It’s not an inability to do good work or a lack of their boss’s support.
Vikram, Martin and Sharni are all doing great work. Their bosses absolutely want to promote them and are going to bat for them as best they can. They want to make Vikram a Vice President, and Martin and Sharni each a Director.
However, the bosses are getting stopped by pushback from their peers and their own bosses – all for the exact same reason:
Vikram, Martin and Sharni are not seen as “good communicators”.
Victor says, “I want to sound authentic.”
What a funny request. I started laughing before I caught his serious look and stopped myself.
I asked him, “Are you saying you’re not authentic, but you want to sound like you are?”
Victor: “No, that’s not it. I think I’m authentic.”
But he didn’t sound sure.
Me: “Then what’s the problem?”
Victor: “I just don’t think I sound it. And I don’t know why.”
In a flash, I took in everything about Victor, and I understood.
It started when Victor was little and in school.
Authentic means being who you are, being genuine, true, in opposition to that which is false, fictitious or counterfeit, in other words “put on” to create an appearance.
When Victor was little, I’m sure he had no trouble being authentic. No 2-year old does.
It was one of those days where Gayle wished she were the CEO and could simply tell people, “Just go do it!” and not have to argue with anyone.
Gayle had been trying to get her organization to rapidly act on an opportunity for a new market with the potential for billions in revenue. Sure it was risky, but they were in the middle of a business downturn that wasn’t pretty, and this very possibly could get them out of it. If she could only get them to LISTEN!
They were not only NOT listening to Gayle, they didn’t even want to hear anymore. “We’re done with that, Gayle” was the message she was getting.
For many years now, people have been coming to me because they want to learn how to “persuade”. Over and over I hear, “I need to learn how to ‘persuade’ them.”
I don’t know if you realize this, but there are THOUSANDS of books and classes on “persuasion”.
Basically, “persuade” means get you to do something you don’t want to do, or get you to believe something you don’t believe.
This is why no one likes to be persuaded. And this is why persuasion is not a smart route if you want to achieve extraordinary outcomes.
So, if not “persuasion”, what is it that you really need to learn?
The room overwhelmed Alan the moment he stepped in and his eyes touched the endless space around him. Unfamiliarity with the enormous size crushed his confidence and sense of importance, leaving him feeling small, nervous and terribly self-conscious. His walk to the stage was uncomfortable, an awkward expression of embarrassment. Should he walk fast? Slow? He walked like he wasn’t sure.
Alan would be speaking to almost 1,000 of his organization’s leaders in this very room.
He already dreaded the moment the room would be filled with their faces, turned toward him, silently waiting for his first words.
Long before that moment arrived, Alan had already lost the battle to save his dignity and present with confidence.
It was an honor to be invited to join the senior leadership ranks, but Alan was far from feeling the grandeur he experienced when he watched the other senior execs present.
He simply felt small.
Anticipating the event had him drowning in a sea of misery and anxiety.
But Alan wasn’t ready to give in.
Steve was nervous. New to the executive ranks, he was preparing for his first major presentation to 250 senior leaders of a $30 billion corporation. Let me tell you what was making him uneasy. This is what he told me:
“I’m putting the finishing touches on my slides and I’m nervous. I wish I didn’t have to use them, but I have slides that MUST be shown. I want to be able to engage the audience, and engage them like NO OTHER PERSON EVER HAS, but I’m worried I’m not going to come through because of all the slides I have to show them.”
I understand the problem.
The most important factor in a truly successful presentation is the deep, powerful, human connection a great presenter makes with every person in the room. Slides can easily BREAK your connection with the audience.
Without that connection, your words are weak. They hit the surface of the audience’s mind and bounce off. There’s no impact.
I was coaching Jon, a senior executive located in bustling New York City’s mid-Manhattan.
Jon wants to develop Executive Presence.
We began with presence.
Executive presence is a particular type of presence. It’s an advanced type of presence.
You need to possess tremendous presence before you can develop Executive presence.
A key factor in presence is the ability to stay in the moment.
I taught Jon the robust theory behind presence, and now he was practicing the first exercise he had to master. Jon had his eyes closed so he wouldn’t be visually distracted. He was simply sitting there, being in the moment, learning how to control his attention and awareness and simply stay in the moment.
It was difficult for Jon in the beginning. As he sat there with his eyes closed, he was struggling with a traffic jam of thoughts in his head. Worries about an upcoming meeting, snatches of yesterday’s conversations, sudden rememberings of something he’d promised. A mad rush of thoughts whirled around, colliding in his mind, distracting him from the present moment. Creating chronic anxiety.
Here’s the thing to know about audiences: they will only stay with you as long as they are learning.
I know, I know. The problem is you don’t have exciting content to work with. You have, well, corporate presentation material. And, let’s face it, nobody’s ever made an action movie out of a corporate presentation. I know your challenge. I get it.
But just because the material may seem boring, does not mean that you have to be.
This is something you can do with your own presentations to keep your audience on the edge of their seats. I’m going to tell you how a professional keeps their audience engaged.
To “persuade” means: to convince, to satisfy the mind, subdue the opposition of the mind, lead to the opinion or conclusion presented, make one think or believe, successfully achieve the acceptance or practice of, create agreement.
It comes from the Latin persuadere - to bring over by talking.
Persuasion is something many people want to accomplish. It’s something they wish they were really good at.
The problem is that what most people think is “persuasion”, doesn’t work. And what they try to do to “persuade” someone who doesn’t want to be persuaded, doesn’t work.
The act of “persuasion” renders you powerless. And that is exactly how you feel when you’re trying to “persuade” – powerless.
Ultimately, “persuasion” betrays a lack of power and little understanding about how to achieve desired outcomes with ease.
What does that look like?
George was droning on. And no matter how hard he tried, his sounded like every other flat corporate presentation.
Not only was it boring, it made George boring. There was nothing of value in his work or in George. Nothing to pay attention to.
Never having had a real mentor, George was following in the footsteps of the thousands of other tiring corporate presenters he’d seen, all stamped from the same mold.
His presentations had devolved into a stream of words with no meaning.
But George always had the feeling that he was capable of more.
“I get stage fright so bad, my mind freezes up and my ears start to burn.” So said Matt.
Janet, our Lead Trainer, and I were coaching Matt, preparing him for an upcoming in-person presentation he will be giving to 500 leaders from his company, gathered together for a quarterly meeting in a large convention center. Matt is a Senior Vice President, responsible for $6.2 billion worth of annual revenue. He knows his stuff, he’s a good man. Yet terrified of public speaking.
Put Matt in front of 500 people, his expertness, confidence, talent and intelligence drain right out of him.
“I feel all alone up there, completely disconnected. Even when I know what I want to say, it all leaves me.”
Causative [kaw’-zuh-tiv], adjective: Making what you want HAPPEN. Being able to cause your intended effect or outcome at will.
When did we first stop being causative? Well, if it didn't happen sooner, it probably happened for most of us when we started school and were told to sit down and be quiet … for hours and hours at a time.
They told us exactly where to sit. We weren’t allowed to leave that seat.
They made us ask permission for everything, including leaving the room.
If we did something without permission, we were bad. It didn’t matter if it was right. It was automatically bad if it was done before asking for and receiving permission first. Even if it was just standing up to stretch.
If we wanted to talk, we had to raise our hand and wait to be called on. Raising your hand was dangerous because the teacher was asking a question that had one “right” and many “wrong” answers and when we were wrong, it was very public. Where I went to school, not many hands went up (usually the same ones over and over). We became skilled at avoiding eye contact with the person in the front of the room (something I still see today in my corporate workshops).
We weren’t allowed to talk to each other, only the one person in front of the room.
Everything we did was graded and compared to what everyone else did. Smarter than him but not as pretty as her.
We were graded based on one person's opinion of us, a person who often didn’t understand or like us. A person we thought was paid to be critical of us. To find every flaw.
Most of us did not get straight A’s. We were always falling short on something. Grades could easily make us feel that we were mediocre. Few were happy the day they got their “report card” and some hid them from their parents.
We were severely restrained from being causative. For years.
We’re still delivering an abundance of virtual coaching, and we also recently opened up our office for in-person training for the first time in 2 ½ years. It’s been thrilling. It’s for small groups of no more than six, so it’s also very personal.
Having the whole person in front of us for the whole day, several days at a time, seeing them laugh and smile in all dimensions, has been rich.
Even more remarkable have been the incredible transformations in their presentation skills.
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