On my morning runs I encounter a mother taking her two-year-old for a walk. He likes me to stop and simply be with him. His eyes meet mine and stay there. Very calm, comfortable, peaceful. As I talk to his mother, he and I continue to look at each other. He is looking straight into my soul and I into to his. No words are exchanged. His name is Dakotah.
I saw him again this morning. Same thing, except this time there’s a clear sign of recognition in his eyes, a signal he knows we’ve met before, I’m a friend. The look in his eyes says he is happy to see me.
He never looks away, nor do I, for many minutes on end. No words between us. The most direct communication there is. Pure harmony and understanding, being to being, his soul to my soul. Our eyes truly the windows to our souls. We like each other, we haven’t even spoken a word.
All little children are born this way. I’ve delivered my programs in 30 countries and have traveled the world. They all look at me like that.
No adults do.
What happens between childhood and adulthood that makes adults so uncomfortable and tense looking into each other’s eyes, especially with no words being spoken?
This is a question I ask myself every week because in our Causative Communication Live! workshop I teach adults how to regain this lost ability and I always wonder how we let ourselves get so mixed up.
By the time we’re grown, we have suffered so many injunctions about looking and not looking, confusing it with staring, getting it all mixed up with manners and politeness, that we’ve been forced out of this most NATURAL of abilities by the most confusing set of rules ever invented.
My students go through the most wild experiences as they rehabilitate their ability to be there comfortably and just LOOK at another person. They feel an anvil is going to fall from the sky and crush them if they REALLY look at someone. They are SURE the other person is going to hate it and get irritated.
It is exhilarating, liberating and freeing to discover there is no anvil, there’s only the pleasure of experiencing another human being.
The power and confidence it brings when you can look someone very comfortably in the eye, unhampered by all the discomforts of the confusing rules and threats society has imprisoned your spirit with, is a source of great energy in every conversation you’ll ever have.
When you regain this ability, the way you look suddenly transforms the other person. You see this all the time when people talk to children. They are suddenly transformed when they meet a child. They are softer, gentler, the best of them comes out.
You can transform the other person just by the way you look at them.
All the intensive communication exercises we teach for becoming a Causative Communicator build on this one key ability. You have to be absolutely comfortable doing this as you add each new layer of skill.
At the beginning of the exercise, most people can’t even do it for 5 minutes.
These are super successful people who are not used to struggling. So it usually comes as quite a shock.
But I make it clear that everything they want is to be found on the other side of this skill.
It's a must have.
The power to transform any situation or any person begins with your ability to assume the cause role in your communications.
And you won't be able to do that until you can stand there and emit a presence so strong it will literally TRANSFORM the other person.
Be the cause!