Your face, especially your eyes, communicate what’s going on inside of you. We may try to disguise our inner thoughts, fears, doubts, but our eyes don’t lie.
When I show people videos of themselves in the Causative Communication workshop, they can see clearly that once they get past the initial social smile, everything they’re really thinking shows up on their face. Self-doubt, disappointment, disapproval, fear, frustration, dislike, whatever your opinion is of the other person, everything.
Your facial expression and how you look at someone is a direct communication to them and actually regulates the outcome you get.
Trying to change your facial expression is a pointless activity. It will only make you look fake.
That’s one of the reasons why in my coaching and workshops I work on what’s going on inside you. When you get the inside right, the outside takes care of itself.
But we don’t start out that way. Instead, we start with situations like these…
Diana sits down to have a difficult conversation with a coworker. She anticipates it is going to be very uncomfortable, at least in the beginning. Her facial expression is strained.
Martin initiates an important conversation to persuade a peer to put in extra work on a new project. He anticipates resistance. His facial expression is grim and slightly combative.
Sheila requests a meeting to continue a discussion in which she repeatedly expresses her doubts. Her concerns have been ignored and resources are being poorly allocated. She wants to express her point of view one more time in the last hope that possibly she’ll be heard. She anticipates stubbornness and lack of interest. Her facial expression is defeated.
Jim approaches his boss to talk about taking on new responsibility that will greatly further his career. He anticipates his boss telling him he isn’t ready. His facial expression is pleading, almost anguished.
In all the situations above, what these folks are anticipating has shaped their facial expressions. The solution is not to change what you’re anticipating from something negative to something positive.
The solution is to be completely in the moment.
So COMFORTABLY in the moment you’re not anticipating anything. This gives you a look of tremendous presence. And poise.
Most people have no idea that how they look at someone determines so much about the relationship and the outcomes they get. It’s huge.
In my workshops, I can video people and show them how amazing they look when they’re able to stay fully and comfortably in the moment and feel affinity for the other person.
Even before they start to speak, you can feel the power. They often gasp when they see themselves because it’s so dramatic.
The words my students have used to describe how it feels are “weightless”, “serene”, “unflappable”, “totally in control” and “comfortable”.
It takes a lot of work to master the skill of being in the moment, to be present, all the time.
But it is work worth doing. And the payoff extends to every area of your life.
Some people look at our workshops and say we teach “communications kills,” but what we really teach is an effortless way to create success.
Be the cause!